Oh baby, you can't fire me. This here is all you get!
I'm going to tell you a story and let me just preface it by saying that after all the hurt was gone I spent a good deal feeling guilty and bad and guilty some more and then I repented a lot. After I made her apologize of course.
My least favorite thing is having to run an errand or take Veronika somewhere with the the other two along for no other reason besides not being able to leave them home alone. This sounds like a simple problem no? Sure, but it is not.
Taking Veronika to ballet for example, looks like this: I drive everyone there, pull them out of the car, get to the elevator, referee bickering over who gets to push the buttons, get into a changing room (without a door! it has a curtain instead! a curtain! WHY? WHY are they doing this to me?), boss around Veronika until she takes off her jacket and puts on her ballet shoes and skirt (leotard and tights were done at home), while Ivan tries to prevent her from doing just that and Nikola runs away: through that curtain, through the room where other students are doing homework, down the stairs (and up the stairs) and then into the looong hall.. back and forth and back and forth. So picture last week, where I let him do that but every now and then scoop him up to go check on Veronika - in order to avoid screaming fits inside the changing room, which could disturb the homework writing kids. I do this several times, always carrying his screaming kicking body in and out. I'd yell at Veronika who had not made any progress and yell at Ivan to stop bothering her and quit throwing his hat around. The last time I return to check on them I see the ballet director fishing for Ivan's hat with a long pole. He threw it into the ceiling storage area, out of reach for anyone without a long stick apparently. I apologize profusely. A good mother keeps her kids supervised the judgy half of my brain says. Right. Yeah, but WHICH one, WHICH ONE?, screams the defensive one. The ballet director is nice and helpful and says it doesn't matter. She smiles at Nikola and says: "Aren't you just into everything?!" and he smiles back and says "Yep!" It's all so adorable. But me... I am descending into new depths of rage. So frustrated, so out of control with this kid who I'm chained to 24/7, like a monkey he's playing me... and the older two.. who should know better... let me down, made me look like an even bigger fool. Once we are in the car, on our way home, I let it all out. I let them have it. I am so tired of it all. I forbid them to say anything back. I announce horrible punishments.
After a short silence Veronika says: "I wish Ms Ballet Director was our mother!"
(Skadoosh.)
So why are mothers always so angry and bitter and wagging their finger at everything? Think of this story next time you secretly want to shake your head and roll your eyes at some mother not having her kid under control. Or better yet, go call your mother and thank her for letting you live. Literally.
New England, charming me since 2004
Click for entire set: Vermont 2009
We went to Vermont for our (greater) Souzek annual vacation. We had been to Pennsylvania twice in previous years and picked a new location this time hoping to finally get into some real snow. Graciously, Vermont obliged and covered us in snow over and over again through the entire week. Imagine all the northeastern cliches of old villages with their Victorian houses and charming town squares, decked out in their Christmas best, covered in soft blankets of snow. Add all old and new wintersports you can think of. Then add family and the best version of a get-together that comes to mind. That about sums it up.
We stayed at a beautiful condo, with mountain views and a fireplace and let the kids take it apart with their new received Christmas gifts. We went sledding and skating and skiing (the last without children!). I didn't realize how much I had missed it. Given that I mostly work indoors, I was actually looking forward to feeling that exhaustion and relaxation that overcomes you after spending a few hours in the cold. I had plenty of that.
Connecticut does get snow, but not really reliably. Oftentimes it doesn't stay. I forget how close to the ocean it is. Vermont on the other hand... It's strange to find a place to correspond so much to its touristy stereotypes but in a good way. We stayed in Quechee, Vt, but visited Woodstock, VT several times - which is the most perfect example of a small fancy New England town with its shops and architecture and impeccable style.
We went to mass there twice and happened to have picked a parish, which not only offered parts of the service in latin (gregorian chant!), but professional opera singers breaking out in solos as well as a highly skilled organist improvising after mass had ended for at least another 15 minutes. It was a tiny church (of course), old (of course) and beautifully decorated (of course!). Lincoln and I were totally dumbfounded. Finding mass on vacation is always hard and most of the time a big gamble. This was totally unexpected. Stepping out into the snowy silence afterwards was positively surreal. Is this Vermont or the heavenly Jerusalem with a cold front?
I loved waking up surrounded by snowy trees every day. I can recall the atmosphere immediately... which is my favorite thing to bring home from vacation: the feel and time of a place. You end up with a great memory you love to revisit and you know will never disappoint..
Dinner: It's what I'm leaving behind in the 2000s
After a weeklong vacation preceded by a longish holiday I am back home in what the calendar says is a new year, but it seems all my old chores made the transition just fine and are still here. I realized I'm willing to pay for the vacation in masses of laundry, I'm even ok with herding the kids to bed, to the bathroom, to the table, to school... and back. What I'm not willing to go back to is making dinner. I haven't had to make dinner more or less in ten days and that little break just made me hate it more.
I don't mind cooking and I derive quite a bit of joy from feeding my family, but the task of bringing a substantial meal to the table every day is so much more. It starts with the mere fact that it cannot be postponed. We have to eat. I resent that. Then, there are the following conditions to be taken into consideration when preparing not one meal here and there but a million on a regular basis:
- It should be healthy.
- It should not be too repetitive.
- Most people in the family should like it or at least be able to eat a sufficient amount for survival.
- It should not be expensive.
- It should include ingredients that are available in the grocery stores I frequent (or am willing to frequent).
- It should be relatively easy to make and not take too long and not be too fussy and...
Considering all this I have - like many other people - resorted to planning my meals ahead of time. This requires looking through stacks of recipes and checking the pantry and the sales and then making a list. After this there is the actual shopping (with 1 or 2 children in tow), hauling all the stuff home and then putting it all away. At this point we haven't yet eaten a bite. Every day around 4 o'clock in the afternoon, when the children are at their worst, tired and hyper, I start getting out the pots and chopping up the onions. I am ready to be done with the day myself, but no, we still have to... eat. The kids take the living room apart, while Nikola is either hugging my legs or pushing his body against me with all his might. I am trying to prepare my healthy, palatable, economical meal, simultaneously trying to listen to Veronika read her daily assigned book or discipline her into doing her homework. I hate that time of the day. It's a circus.
Finally the meal is done, the sound of the garage door opening means Lincoln is home... the first sign that my couch time is near. Then we sit down to eat and honestly, I am sick of it. I eat it, because I'm hungry, but the thrill is gone. I knew this meal before it ever saw the light of the day. At that point, dinner, you are just calories to me. I have to admit I do care what my family thinks of it, as their satisfaction can give a sense of "it was worth it" to my lack of motivation. The kids will declare they don't like it before they have even touched it, unless it's mac & cheese, pizza or pasta. (And steak!) That doesn't save them from having to try and eat a few bites. Now the dinner I already reluctantly made and consumed without much joy is turned into yet another hour of whining and disciplining. I didn't want to make it, they never wanted to eat it. I can't help but feel that someone is seriously messing with me. Luckily my husband always eats willingly and has learned not to make even the slightest negative comment. I very much appreciate that and I do think he enjoys it most of the time, but I don't want to know for sure...
When all is said and done, I face the kitchen cleanup. I'm not sure if maybe I hate that even more than the cooking. The cleanliness is so shortlived. In fact while the kitchen is at its cleanest, I sleep. Rereading all of this, the whole endeavor is pretty much futile. I keep thinking of all the things I could do instead. So much fuss and just about eating. (Or not-eating! Ask my kids!) I declare dinner canceled for 2010.
Posted at 01:14 PM on January 05, 2010 | Comments (6)How many days until Christmas? 1.
It had to be Silent Night. It's the anthem. It's the song that will always make me cry (secretly of course). This version was surprising to me... it sounds totally differently than the original, but it is still reverent. Only in a Spiritual kind of way. Merry Christmas!
Harry Connick, Jr: Silent Night
If you have enjoyed this selection, post a comment, and I'll send you a burned CD with all 10 songs. (If there is more than one comment (HAHA!) I'll pick someone randomly)
Posted at 09:24 AM on December 24, 2009 | Comments (2)How many days until Christmas? 2.
I was short one song. I already knew what I wanted for tomorrow, but for today I was a bit lost. Thankfully my husband suggested this Vince Guaraldi classic. Everyone in the States is familiar with this version thanks to the Peanuts, but I only heard about it when I moved here. It's the perfect music for wrapping gifts.
Posted at 10:20 PM on December 23, 2009 | Comments (1)