Summer
I don't have much to say today, but it's a good day so I'll just add another picture. I think this one turned out really nice. It was taken in Cres, Croatia. The island I used to spend all my summers at from when I was about ... 3 or 4 years old. Not a bad place to go on vacation I can tell you.
So, greetings to all my family and relatives who are currently there or will be soon - although they can't read my page there. Anyway, I hope you all have a great summer!
Posted at 10:39 AM on June 25, 2002 | Comments (3)Little Rascals
Alright, it's been time to post again, I didn't mean to depress everybody, so here we go with a cheerful picture.
I recently sent out a bunch of pictures we took on our vacation and hopefully I can present a few on this site as well. If anyone needs the whole package, just email me.
So here we are unemployed and loving it... at times. It's a little strange not to have a structure to your day, not having to be anywhere at a certain time. So we go to the beach.. hang out.. search for jobs...play video games, grill... surf the internet... and then we get frustrated and impatient and search for jobs some more. It's not so bad obviously, but we both hope it doesn't take too long. There's only so much of free time you can enjoy. It's true. Hard to believe, I know.
Another thing that occured this time during our vacation in Europe is that for the first time I really felt my home was here. I was really glad about that. Although I'm a little used to living in unknown surroundings it always makes me a little nervous... "will this phase of strangeness go away ... ever?". Well I know it won't go away completely... ever. But will it go away enough so I can enjoy being here?
So the first time you can actually miss a place, you know, you like it. Or at least you are emotionally attached. I need that. As much as I gave up the idea of the "one and only home" in my life, I need it.
Not that I adore Indiana but I have a place I spent enough time doing something meaningful with someone I love. I must admit I even got to like the way peole are... the lifestyle... the whole atmosphere of it. It always happens though. I can hardly imagine a place one would absolutely loathe everything about. There's something about human beings in general... that makes you like them.
Rise and Shine
As many know, I recently quit my job. Many will also know that I was extremely happy to do so since that position turned out to be one of the worst experiences in my life.
In a way it feels really discouraging for me to look back and see how two and a half years ago I had graduated from college, full of energy and at the "peak of my knowledge" or proficiency in what I studied, and then to realize that I basically spent the time since then trying to resist constant intimidation tactics and manipulation from my boss (and his boss). All the while losing what I had, so now it will take me some time to get back into "shape" professionally.*
I don't know if everyone would feel this way, but it really bugs me to have people put me in a position where I need to constantly remind myself of my own value while they try to make me think otherwise. It makes me terribly mad, and there really are not many reasons that would be strong enough for me to accept that kind of treatment in the long run.
This sounds kind arrogant now, I don't know how else to say it though.
Being humiliated, disrespected, talked down to, "devaluated" and manipulated is extremely harmful. At least when someone punches you in the face, there is something visible and the harm is self-explanatory to everybody. But a kick in your self-esteem and self worth is deadly. Other people see... but they shrug. "Didn't you exaggerate a little?" "Who do you think you are that you need special treatment?" "Nothing you can do. That's how it is. You'll have to live with it."
You carry the hurt with you and you can feel how every time you believe a little less in yourself. And it makes it worse because it seems the perpetrator really achieved what he wanted...you really seem to believe what he's trying to let you know: "You are nothing because I have power over you. I will get you down first and then when you accept this position, I will lift your spirits now and then, so you will be grateful and believe me that ultimately your worth only depends on my acknowledgement of it."
It's not the punch that's the worst. It's the lying there afterwards, knocked out, trying to believe that you can get up and then (for the advanced) trying to learn that these punches can't really harm you unless you let them.
I believe in forgiveness. I also believe that most bullies are just victims themselves, those that never got to get up and really do believe they aren't worth anything. So once one keeps that in mind, it's not so hard to forgive the bully. But I also believe that willingly letting the bully proceed with his tactics under the pretext of trying to help him change is not going to work.
Self-doubt or even worse, the disbelief in one's own worth is the cause of most evil. It creates anger and fear and it destroys hope. I can't do anything good or worthwhile being scared, angry and disillusioned. It just makes you bitter and cynical. It makes you think nothing good can come out of you or anybody else. And then you try to make everyone else feel this way too. It just keeps the cycle going.
*Disclaimer: This does not mean that I regret anything
Posted at 07:58 PM on June 16, 2002 | Comments (3)Zones
Es ist 9h am Abend und ich muss mich mit aller Kraft vom Schlafen ablenken. Sonst bin ich morgen wieder um 6 auf, so wie heute. Das ist einfach keine Zeit.
Ich will meiner lieben Family sagen, dass ich Euch alle sehr sehr lieb hab und leider sind zweieinhalb Wochen gar nicht genug. Ich verstehe leider die Begriffe Raum und Zeit immer weniger und versuche mich schon seit Jahren damit abzufinden, dass ich mein Leben lang irgendetwas oder irgendwen vermissen werde.
Mama und Papa, vielen Dank fuer die "Vollpension", Tennisspielen, Weintrinken und alle Details. Ich weiss, das gehoert sich so fuer Eltern, aber trotzdem.
Lieber Kollmanns, wir haben den Nachmittag bei Euch sehr genossen. Vor allem auch das laengere Tratschen. Hoffentlich haben wir Euch damit nicht 2 Wochen Schlaf durcheinandergebracht.
Dora und Bobo, danke fuer das zweifache Grillen und ueberhaupt. Bei euch ist immer entspannt, trotz 3 Lausbuben. (Benjamin hat Lincoln sehr beeindruckt)
Daniel: danke fuer die Anningerbegleitung. Ich sage nur eines: Ins Wasser faellt ein Stein ... ;)
Tessa - schau dassd schnell herkommst. Michaels wartet. HGTV auch.
Sniff sniff ...
Next Stop Wonderland
Oh yeah, this is where we're going next. A few days in the sun.
I wish everybody had a "Cres" in their lives.