Pregnancy - yes!
So I really have been feeling better. Yesterday was a particularly good day. I'm back to singing in the car! You'd think it's not a big deal but everyone who knows me will be surprised to know that I really felt too weak to sing in the car. Yep, I felt THAT bad. So that's over and I'm loving it.
I had a doctor's appointment recently that helped change my outlook as well. We got to hear the heartbeat... and- that little one kicked me... twice!!!! I was in awe/shock. I didn't know it was possible that early. What a great feeling! There IS a baby in there. Not that I didn't know but nausea had dominated my life to such an extent that I just had no energy to have happy baby thoughts.
Plus I felt so good yesterday that I actually felt I could handle a baby no problem. Get this baby out of there, I'm ready! Ok ok I'll wait a few months. I'm at 15 weeks and I will have my first ultrasound on Feb 20th. I'm so excited. We should know the sex by then... if the baby doesn't take too much after it's Catholic heritage and avoids direct views of its private parts. :) We'll see. I'll let you all know.
Thank you very much for the encouraging thoughts though. I know that it's all manageable and I'm not really thinking I can't handle it. As long as I keep in mind that things will change and that's ok I'll be happy. I figured out that the biggest obstacle right now is that I just don't know what it's like to have a child and be a parent. I'm beginning to realize there is nothing you can do to "try it out" and "see what it would be like". Sure one could do a lot of babysitting but in that case the baby is not YOURS. That's a whole different story.
In the meantime I will entertain myself with unattainable pregnancy fashion. I will also shamelessly let you know that my favorite websites are:
www.gap.com
www.motherhood.com
www.babystyle.com
Mothers and mother-in-laws are exempt from this though, as they have and will go overboard with purchases (as they always do) and need everything but encouragement to buy me stuff.
Posted at 03:51 PM on January 28, 2003 | Comments (1)Oh poor dog.. er, me.
It feels as if I haven't posted in years. I didn't even check, maybe it hasn't been that long. It really is mostly due to my utterly dull life. I'm still fighting nausea and now also occasional headaches. It's still better than before though, so I actually could go to work today. It felt great, but I was exhausted afterwards. Why does pregnancy last 9 months? Who came up with that? I'm a living incubator, yet I have nothing to show for. Not even a substantially large belly, nothing. My whole body is messed up and the cause is only a few inches long. What will this child do to me when it comes out... and grows? How will I cope? What will I eat, where will I go? What in the world have we done?
Newborns used to look harmless to me, but believe me, no cute picture will fool me anymore. If they can turn my life upside down before they even caught their first breath, they will certainly not miss a chance to destroy it once they're here.
Maybe I should say goodbye to you all now - when it's not too late. You should get together in my honor and remember the Dinka that once was. I'm thinking a 3-4 hour tribute - moving poems and incredibly touching anecdotes, interspersed with performances of my favorite songs (email for details please).
Anyway, it's all not so bad but you might say I've had enough. Digby too. If you've read this you'll know we have a new method to use and nobody is happy about it. My afternoon consisted of trying to take a nap to make my headache disappear and taking the dog out periodically, only to end up holding him in the deadly position and then returning him to his kennel. Poor dog... he looks so helpless and in pain - but he really is not! His eyes start to close.. as if he was sleepy and he relaxes and then he starts yawning and yawning (the position triggers that movement) and I get a regular whiff of dog breath in my nose. Oooooooh. Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
I'm officially pregnant with dog.
Posted at 06:54 PM on January 23, 2003 | Comments (2)Just a few more days
So I've been feeling better but yesterday and today were not so good. It could be worse, I'm trying to stay positive.
I had a few inspirations the last few days to write but never managed to, so it will all be shortened because ... well because I'm tired and sick and not capable of strong feelings.
First of all there was a great incident in Illinois this month:
"But is that the purpose of capital punishment?" Ryan asked. "Is it to soothe the families?"
Unfortunately many think so. Actually many think they have a right to have someone killed as retribution for their own family member's death. I'm so flabbergasted by this I don't know even where to start. So I won't. I don't feel fully in control of my mind.
Another thing I've been wanting to quote for a while is the following excerpt from Bill Bryson's "The Lost Continent - Travels in Small Town America":
"He said: Well, Greta, which do you like better, the United States or Sweden?" The girl blushed. She obviously had not been in the country long enough to expect this question. With an embarrassed flutter of hands she said, "Oh, I sink Sweden," and pall fell over the table. Everyone looked uncomfortable. "Oh," said the man in a flat, disappointed tone, and the conversation turned to potato prices.
People in America always ask that question. When you grow up in America you are inculcated from the earliest age with the belief - no, the understanding - that America is the richest and most powerful nation on earth because God likes us best. It has the most perfect form of government, the most exciting sporting events, the tastiest food and amplest portions, the largest cars, the cheapest gasoline, the most abundant natural resources, the most productive farms, the most devastating nuclear arsenal and the friendliest, most decent and most patriotic folks on earth. Countries just don't come any better. So why anyone would want to live anywhere else is practically incomprehensible. In a foreigner it is puzzling, in a native it is seditious. I used to feel this way myself.
Oh this is so true. If anyone wants to convince me of the opposite, you have a LOT of work to do because I just have too many examples. I really like living here but don't get me started about the complete invisibility of any other country around here. They do exist some where far... but they are not really relevant. That's where you go on vacation to... or send your money to poor orphans or where they eat a lot of Chinese food, but it's not reaaaallly a place.
I know I know I'm exaggerating. But that's how you get out of frustration.
And no, we do NOT all swim naked, Europeans wear bathing suits too.
Sorry people...
... but this is a good one:
Posted at 02:29 PM on January 14, 2003Maybe maybe
Just had to say I had a great day today! I had several meals without any gagging AND took Digby for a walk (the long version). I felt so good about things...after such a long time! I don't dare to hope this might be the beginning of the end of this nauseatic nightmare but maybe, just maybe... Still, I'm happy even if it was just a break.
And then we get home from the walk... and I find a package from my mom. My first baby outfit with cute tiny socks! OOOOOOOH! Had to cry a little. It's really happening...!
On a lighter note...
Yesterday I was particularly lucky and felt good enough to take Digby to his first puppy class. What can I tell you... There were other 13 dogs with their owners and 3 trainers. Digby was in heaven... all these people and animals to love! I wish I'd have photos, then you would understand immediately. Everyone was sitting down in a long row - with their dogs under or in front of their chair. They were sitting down patiently waiting for what was going to happen... except for one dog. That dog wanted to show his love for the world and also sample everyone's butt aroma. He was on a leash, but almost in the middle of the room, digging with his paws to get a hold of the trainer. It was my dog of course.
The biggest challenge of the class was for me to try to hold him or keep him from pulling on the leash because that caused him to choke (but still didn't stop him from pulling).
The first class teaches how to discourage dogs from unwanted behavior (by ignoring, then praising them) and also how to teach your dog to sit. Ha-ha. I'd teach my dog how to sit if he was in any way paying attention to what I'm saying or doing. It was futile. The trainer came over to help him and after trying a few times she tells me: "I think for the next week you should rather concentrate on teaching him not to jump on people"
Huh? Even the teacher is giving up on poor Digby. She also said we should teach our dog things as if he was 120lbs - taking the weight as a criterion for what we would not find pleasant. Well, I agree, but boy am I glad Digby will never reach that weight! I can always say: oh it doesn't matter, he is such a cute small dog.
At the end of the class I was considering paying the trainer to train my dog and then just have her give him back when he's all perfectly behaved. I'm lacking the funds for this... so it will be just us and Digby, the terrier (terror) again.
"No Digby. No. No. NO. NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Stop it! No! Quiet! No! Stop it!"
You get the picture...
It's... 2003?
I feel like I have to direct you to my husband's site again because I'm just bored and boring to an extent not worth reporting about.
I'd like to give you some sort of update but there's just none. So I do feel better now and then.. haven't thrown up in a while.. still hate most foods blabla.. you've heard it all before.
I'm in bed almost all day long, reading or napping or just wondering when it's all going to be over. Then when Lincoln comes home he has to listen to me telling him about all the stuff that's been going through my head and it's not fun. What can one come up with after a day in bed??
Anyway for your own distraction I can tell you what I've been reading:
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America by Bill Bryson
Neither Here nor There: Travels in Europe
by Bill Bryson
Very light and entertaining reading... and very very funny. That's what I think anyway.
And on a more a serious and painful note:
Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way
You think this might not be appropriate reading at 11 weeks and raging nausea? You are probably right. But my theory is.. it can't possibly be as terrible as I've anticipated it. After all I have 6 months to imagine the worst possible scenario.
I have a completely objective balanced pregnant-woman-mind at the moment. Anything you'd like to comment?!?!
Huh, five minutes of freedom
... from incapacitating nausea. Not that I have too much new stuff to report. My life is pretty much still a dictatorship with a grim ruler confining me to my home/bed/bathroom. But it seems this morning I am granted a little more energy than usual and some peace in my stomach (the puppy is sleeping too!).
I've received many nice comments about the beautiful winter pictures of our surroundings. Well, I must say that the pictures are not exactly representative. The area around our house is pretty woodsy but we do have neighbors, some of them quite messy and there's a busy road passing by as well. It's nice to hear some delighted comments though. I live in Indiana after all.
Also I have to mention the love of my life here who is turning into the perfect house-band and seems to grow fonder of household chores...uhmm, ok maybe not. We both feel bad and then we feel bad for each other... aren't we the perfect couple? I just hope this little Souzek finds his niche in this family because who knows if his parents will have time for him after they're done living the perfect relationship.
Ok, Big Brother is calling me... back to bed for me.
Posted at 09:27 AM on January 02, 2003