War propaganda
I was hoping after a while I could tune out this whole war crap and could maintain this blog war-comment-free... but it seems I can't. This is a rant about war, war propaganda and fake patriotism, so if you're touchy - well, you can leave or you can leave me a comment.
It's uncanny how this whole situation here reminds me of the wartime in Croatia - and I never even lived in Croatia when the war was happening. But the propaganda.. oh my, it is just the same. Sentimental soldier images on tv, tons of patriotic songs, wild discussions who is a true Croatian and who is not and what it means to be patriotic and how dare you not be blablabla. At least Croatia really had to deal with an aggressor in its own territory, whereas the US just picked one abroad.
I'm sick of the filtered information we get. All we ever hear is how Saddam wants to bomb us and tortures his own citizens. We don't know squat about Iraq.
I'm sick of Bush talking about "Operation Iraqi Freedom". Hello? The US will just spend billions of dollars only to free people from an oppressor? Does he know how many countries in the world are in the same situation? Are we going to "free" those too?
I'm sick of hearing how strange it is that the Iraqis are reluctant to surrender and hand their country over to the US. Saddam might be a terrfying tyrant, but Iraq is still their home. Don't their have a right to defend themselves from intruders? So the Americans are praised for defending their country but the Iraqis are damned?
I'm sick of hearing how Saddam has to be removed because he might use nuclear and chemical weapons, no, actually, he has to go because he HAS them.
Well, the US has them AND I'm pretty sure they'd use them if necessary. Who will be the judge for each head of state in the world when there is sufficient reason for "necessary"? G.W.? Why? Who is he? The self-appointed moral compass to the world?
I'm sick of seeing families of killed soldiers cry on tv and talk about how their son was a hero. Let the people mourn in privacy!!! And what if his death could have been prevented? What if there had been a way to avoid this war and remove Saddam without an armed conflict? Can Bush say he tried everything to spare this soldier's life? I don't think so.
I'm sick of hearing so many American Catholics support the war begging to differ with the Pope as if this issue is something that is unrelated to faith and morals, but merely of political nature. I'm sick of Catholics treating it as a political issue only, hiding behind the phrase "just war" unable to conceal their enthusiasm for fighting evil with bombs and cheering everytime the US military scores. Where does your faith end? Where your "patriotism" begins?
Even if this war was 100% justified, there is nothing to be enthusiastic about. War is sad, very very sad. Even if no death was preventable, it's still horrible, terrifying, destructive. Even if it was for a "good cause", war is a mess. It's not a western, where the bad guys are always really bad and easily recognizable and the good guys are always heroes and save the world in the end. It just doesn't work that way. Don't people see that? War is an evil that sucks you in, it comes over you and before you know it, you are there, killing or trying not to get killed and it has little to nothing to do with glorious defense or selfless sacrifice.
I remember when I was in Sarajevo about 2 years after the war had stopped and some young guys were telling us where they were when it all started and how they got guns and went into the woods and shot people. They were normal twenty-somethings with beer in their hands, we could've been in any European city at dusk, chatting and relaxing. Only they were telling me how they started killing, one said he might have killed the other's father. The expression on their faces was somewhere between disbelief and fear: The memory scared them, yet they still couldn't believe it really happened.
I kept asking them, but how could you just start shooting? How could you kill people you didn't even know were guilty? They just looked at me confused: "I don't know. There was no choice. The war just came. You don't think. You just do it. That's why we're not upset if one of us killed the other's family members. It was war, that's how it works."
War sucks. I know sometimes it's necessary, but it is SAD. It's a bad thing, no tear jerker song or pretty picture with a flag will change that.
Yeah, I know I'm not patriotic, I'm probably a really bad American, Croatian, Austrian, whatever. You can't insult me this way. I'd rather be a good person only, anyway.
Me gusta el sol.
I'm having a really good day today, so you all need to know about it.
I'm teaching a 4 1/2 year old Spanish and it's not easy at times. Obviously this is beginner-level for an itsy-bitsy girl, but, believe it or not, kids have different ways of learning too. Some might prefer unstructured talking and others thrive on well-directed tasks. Well, I think she likes the latter better, so I tried to make it more like pre-school and it worked! She wasn't bored and she had fun, there were no inefficient breaks... anyway, I left very happy. Teaching is satisfying. Not always.. but when you are successful, it's a great feeling.
So that went well. Then I come home and it turns out the temp agency found a job for me! It will be a few days a week for about 3 - 4 weeks. I will be vacation replacement for an administrative assistant. Perfect. Just what I had in mind.
Now I could go and watch some war on tv, that sounds like a nice passtime. Or maybe some military briefing? Or I could go debate whether it's ok to use nuclear weapons on your enemies.
Ah, the possibilities on a sunny day in the year 2003!
Take a look at Suzie!
Well, you can finally take a peak at our, uhm, well, daughter? The second ultrasound still couldn't confirm the sex to a 100% although the guess is again on a girl. So we'll go with "Suzie" for now since he/she will definitely be a Souzek. Don't worry we won't name her Suzie, that would be too mean. ;)
The pictures are in the photos section on the left, right on top. I know that ultrasound pictures are sometimes hard to decipher, so let me know which one you have trouble with. Most have a title - so if you are looking at the face, it will say "FACE".
I think she's cute - but hey, I'm the mom and my children will always be the bestlooking to me even if they have slight similarities with aliens (as in this case ;)
Just kidding. I love you Suzie.
Lessons in identity: 2. What is "home"?
An immigrant will have an advantage in the realm of defining home, because unlike most people, he has a choice. Not all options are open, as we all have to be born and grow up somewhere but the immigrant at some point in his life will have the choice to call several places "home" or at least something similar to that.
I have agonized over this for years, on and off, depending on what stage or situation of life I was in. Obviously my home was my immediate family and it will always be, but what about the actual places of growing up, the friendships, the language, the certain kind of humor, the mentality, the "this-is-how-we-do-xyz"? After emigrating the first time, the distinction was clear: I feel really comfortable around people of the same origin as me, but I live my life somewhere else - and I like it. After emigrating the second time, it started to be confusing. I would have had to say: I feel really comfortable around people of both my origins but I live somewhere else and I like it. Haha. It's true, you can spin this indefinitely but in a way I feel I am adding identities and at times it makes me feel like a traitor...or more like a multiple personality? I don't know.
I decided to remove myself from the "dark side" of this dilemma. The side that tells me that I can only be ONE thing otherwise I'm just fooling myself. The side that pressures me to choose choose choose, because otherwise I'm betraying family and friends. The side that wants me to judge people so I can decide that "my people" are the really normal, smart and fun ones and the others might be ok at times, but are not the real thing.
That side will always be there, as far as that is concerned, I will not be fooling myself but the bright side of my situation is just, well, too bright.
I came to like people too much. I really do like them. It's exciting to start your life in an unfamiliar environment, because I can guarantee you, you will not be disappointed. You might not like the food or the weather, but you will come to like the people.
That feeling of togetherness, the connection you felt with your first set of friends, the insider jokes you had, the music you listened to, the places you enjoyed... you really can find it again. You observe people and you learn and soon you participate in their own unique corner of the universe, in their language and in their culture and at some point you can fit right in and realize: This is it! Home! I found it... thousands of miles away from where you first experienced it.
I know it sounds so corny and old but that's because there are a bunch of stupid songs that are trying to evoke a shallow feeling of unity and brotherhood - only at a safe distance of anybody or anything strange or difficult. There is a unity though and to experience that, all sugarcoated "we-are-the-world" emotions aside, is exhilarating and empowering.
Being an immigrant is not easy, but letting go of your "must-haves" and opening your eyes to what's in front of you will not make you lose anything but just gain... a unique perspective, that you as a human being really do fit anywhere.
I do miss my "homes". I miss my relatives in Croatia and hanging out with them. I miss being present for the everyday stuff. I miss my friends in Austria, the towns, the landscape and yes, the food... I miss my friends in Spain, life there is really something else. I feel torn, but it's not a bad feeling. On one hand I feel I should go back to all these place to catch up, on the other hand I feel, I should go somewhere else and go through that whole experience again: being a stranger, learning how to live in a new place, learning the laws of the culture, becoming used to things, starting to like things, and eventually feeling like a part of it. Sometimes I get so excited about it that I feel as if it's almost a responsibility for me to learn all the existing languages and visit all the places there are in the world. Just so I can repeatedly prove my theory that people really are the same and I can be at home wherever I want to.
We're going to war.
The following article asks some very interesting and valid questions. I guess it sums up my feelings and fears about the current administration. I hope the author is wrong in his assumption that ".. as the 21st century dawns, we are reverting to a 19th Century, balance-of-power world, in which one empire begets another."
Posted at 09:19 PM on March 17, 2003 | Comments (1)Happy Birthday
... to this blog! I posted my first entry on 17th March 2002:
A year ago I wrote...
Obviously I improved immensely. : )
You'll see that I had posted in German a few times in the beginning. I decided to settle on English though as most people I know speak at least a little of it and I'd like to keep it understandable for as many people as possible.
If you are a non-English-speaker and would like me to post more in another language (I know :), let me know. Nothing is set in stone...
Guja, guja!!!
"Price iz davnine" - "Stories of long ago"
My dear husband stumbled upon this website and asked me if I had heard of "Ivana Brlic Mazuranic". Oh the nostalgia awakened! Of course I had. She's a famous Croatian writer of mythological stories.
I had two on my records when I was a kid (most likely inherited from my sisters): "Stribor's Forest" and "Fisherman Palunko and his Wife". The stories were somewhat creepy and I used to listen to them with a little bit of reluctance. You know, it's like "Snow white". It's all good until the witch comes... it's just a really tough part to handle as a kid.
Anyway I was surprised to find cartoons of the stories on the website and SO well done. Now the only thing I'm wondering about is how come the ancient slavic mythological characters speak in a Scottish accent???
Spring, spring!
This is me about 2 weeks ago but I feel that the picture is already outdated. My belly is just pushing out out out and it's starting to itch from the constant stretching. I'm not complaining though (at the moment). I'm feeling really good (when my back is not hurting of course) and I have energy and the weather is improving and the flowers should be blooming. I'm like a hippy ;)
I have a feeling the next few months will be a lot better than the last, so please everybody pray I'm right! I know I usually am but I don't know about predictions, that's a shaky ground...
ouuuuuuuuuuch!!! And no, it's not labor yet.
Ha! Just yesterday I was thinking that now finally I will come to enjoy what so many women describe as the "bliss of pregnancy". My queasiness is gone, so are the headaches (for now), I have more energy...yes, this must be it, the joyful pregnancy!
But...yes, you saw it coming. Last night a weird pain started creeping up. First I thought it was just a strained back muscle but within 15 minutes I found myself on the floor wailing in pain. The right side of my back was HURTING, taking my breath away, making me nauseous. It managed to calm down enough so I could look up my pregnancy book (read:"the book about all the bad stuff that happens to you when you're expecting) and there it was: "Sciatica: very common in 2nd and 3rd trimester. Use hot or cold packs, warm baths, do some exercise. It might last until delivery."
WHAT?!! What a joke. What did I do to the pregnancy gods to treat me this way? I guess my sin was being too naive about the whole thing. Oh well.
I took the bath, I wrapped a hot towel around myself and went to bed. Finally it went away.
Luckily I got to wake up with another nosebleed and a MAJOR leg cramp that almost made me cry. That makes up for it, don't you think?
"O Boze, sjeti se svih obecanja blistavih... i lovora i darova.."
Posted at 08:19 AM on March 12, 2003 | Comments (1)My immigration issues: 1. Identity by perception
"You are from where? You don't look like you're from there! You could be one of us!"
I still wonder if to an immigrant this should sound like a compliment or like an insult. It probably depends on what "side" you as an immigrant have taken yourself. Are you a native of Homeland and just living in Foreignland or do you feel you are more from Foreignland but with Homeland heritage?
I never know what to say. I suppose I try to end the conversation politely and not let the other person know that they just put their finger on an impossible issue. It will just give you confused looks, believe me, I've tried.
Soon after indefinitely moving from one country to another you will find that you are not what you thought you were. This happens in its strongest form the first time you emigrate. You thought - well, you didn't even "think" that, that's just how it was - that being you meant fitting in, being like everyone else, doing the things everyone else does. Those things included simple things like saying hello a certain way, saying "my father" instead of "my dad" when talking to others, wearing nice clothes to work, inviting people to your house without notice weeks in advance and ignoring people on the bus. Actually I got weird reactions to all these things at some point of being an immigrant.
You think it's not a big deal. Well, it's not but these things are just symptoms...that no matter what you are to yourself, you are something else to those who perceive you as such. Your automatic response to the weird looks will be small subtle changes to your behavior that you might experience as limiting your freedom of being yourself, but the fact that you are constantly being reminded of "not being like everyone else" will be too burdensome after a while and you will try to avoid attracting attention knowing that being left alone comes at a price in new surroundings.
So who is right then? If you are "normal" in one place and the distance of several hundred or thousand of kilometers suddenly makes you "abnormal", who is wrong? Who are you if others do not define you? If you adapt completely it might make you feel like you're erasing yourself. If you stay exactly how you are you will be misunderstood as just "trying to make a statement" by being different, or being hostile to your environment plain and simple.
See you can't win... unless you understand that most of what you thought "made" you is easily exchangeable without actually touching the real you. It's a scary thought for most people. What would you be without speaking your language, without going to the same places you went since childhood, without being able to completely compare your life to your family's or friends'? Would you still be you?
I say "yes". I wouldn't be who I was when all I knew was Homeland, nor would I immediately turn into a native of Foreignland. I would be more me because I would make a conscious choice about what defines me and what not. I would be more me because I would distinguish between what's essential to me and what's just a tool to communicate with and live in a community. I would be more me because I could be true to myself in two worlds without compromise and without dictatorship from people's perceptions.
Oooh how cute!
These are my recently purchased nursery fabrics! I won't really have a nursery but the fabrics will be turned into crib bedding and a cute wall baby quilt... aaaah, I love it!
The light one with the kids ties it all together! The crib will have mostly the two green fabrics as well as the kids one. The quilt will have all of the fabrics in it. I'm sure it's more than you needed to know but you must know all of this is EXTREMELY important otherwise the life of my baby will be ruined! :)
Posted at 03:20 PM on March 07, 2003 | Comments (1)Bush or the pope?
EDITED:I know this link was wrong yesterday, I fixed it now... sorry!!!
Catholics Debating: Back President or Pope on Iraq?
(I know some of you might not be able to read this without having an account with www.nytimes.com - if you are interested, it's free and they don't send you junk mail)
I read this article today and it leaves me just as confused about what Catholics see in the Pope. Well, it's true it's hardly unlikely that the Pope will tell anyone to go to war, but he will speak up if he thinks we need to come to aid to a nation or country in trouble. I also agree that the Pope is not primarily a politician nor a military strategist, but as Catholics we also don't always consider our social position, wealth or even our personal safety first when it comes to making morally justified decisions.
I will admit I don't know if this war is a good idea or not. I feel that it's impossible for normal consumers like me to really know what's going on.
I can tell you though that I do trust the Pope more than the president. People argue, the Pope does not have a country to defend so he just doesn't know. Well, I would say the Pope will have a more objective view because he is supposed to (and does) care more for all human beings regardless of their nationality, whereas the president is only required to care about his own citizens.
The reproach that the Pope will put all the emphasis on morality and justice for all, which should not be so relevant when talking about war, is justified.
And that's exactly why I'd rather believe him than anyone else.
Immigration Issues - Lessons in Identity: Introduction
Completely unrelated to my mood though I want to let you all know about a little project I'm going to start. It's more for me but if you find something interesting about it, even better.
As you have noticed for sure the whole issue about immigrating, emigrating and everything related is somewhat always a central topic in my life. I might be making too big of a deal about it but even if that's true there is no way of making it less of an issue for me at this moment. Maybe one day it will all be boring and history but for now, it's all sitting in my brain, bothering me from time to time trying to make sense of it all.
So I decided I will try to collect these thoughts in periodic little essays or comments, separated by topics. That way I might put my feelings in order, get some relief from annoying questions in my head and generally maybe stop bothering other people with what I think should be said - although they don't want to hear it.
This is a rather personal experiment and I'm not writing a book, so please don't criticize me for not being objective or leaving out the entire history of immigration according to the Encyclopedia Britannica.
I'm hormonal.
I'll say it so anybody who sees me today does not have to - and has no right to. If I say it first, I can't be insulted, right? It's one of those days when I don't really have any complaints, there's nothing going wrong but I feel like everything just sucks. So I will gladly admit it's all in my head or in my hormones and there is no use arguing with those, that much I have figured out already.
Sunday again!
I can't believe it's been a week again since I posted last. I am so neglectful. I apologize. Not much has happened - well, I quit my cushy coffeehouse job. Turns out it stopped being so cushy. The work hadn't changed but the atmosphere sure did. It is just so discouraging, it seems nice people who become business owners immediately turn into capitalist grinding machines! Yeah, I know that personnel expenses are usually a big if not the biggest chunk of money a business owner has to spend but hey, if you're providing jobs, you have entered the realm of being part of someone's life who deserves to be treated fairly. It's sad. It seems everyone secretly wishes artificial intelligence had already been invented and we could once and for all get rid of this nasty thing called "human" when it comes to staffing.
Brrr. I decided that without the nice atmosphere the coffeehouse job really didn't provide much more than just a tiny paycheck and that I can get anywhere, really. So I'm letting Manpower find me a temp job that will carry me over financially until the lil' Souzek arrival. In the meantime, of course, I accept donations! ;)
The other thing that has really been bothering me was this story by one of the co-workers (she's around 20 I think) who desperately wants to have her stretchmarks surgically removed (which supposedly she acquired not through pregnancy but rapid weight gain/loss, don't remember exactly), because they are ah, so disgusting... plus some idiotic date had told her he couldn't stand them in girls.
Now I won't even start about the jerk of a guy, that type we know too well, but what about the girl? Sure, she does think it was inappropriate but at the same time she believes without stretchmarks her value would increase and therefore her chance of being loved. She does not see herself as much more than a combination of cute features and if those are not cute enough, she has no respect for herself anymore...
What are we coming to? How can you actually define yourself by bodily imperfections? And obediently submit yourself to someone's judgement that apart from a perfect body there is nothing to you, so if you don't have it, consider yourself unworthy...
Ew. Either I'm living in la-la-land and have the most incredible life, or their reality is warped and distorted at best. Seems like the first is true as this show recently started airing on TV.
It's official people: if your butt is not small and firm, your breasts are not the right size, your lips not full and your cheekbones not sticking out - you are not "hot" and you will never be and please don't start with all the "inner beauty"-crap because that is just a sorry excuse for being ugly and we all know that is unacceptable and disgusting!