My immigration issues: 1. Identity by perception
"You are from where? You don't look like you're from there! You could be one of us!"
I still wonder if to an immigrant this should sound like a compliment or like an insult. It probably depends on what "side" you as an immigrant have taken yourself. Are you a native of Homeland and just living in Foreignland or do you feel you are more from Foreignland but with Homeland heritage?
I never know what to say. I suppose I try to end the conversation politely and not let the other person know that they just put their finger on an impossible issue. It will just give you confused looks, believe me, I've tried.
Soon after indefinitely moving from one country to another you will find that you are not what you thought you were. This happens in its strongest form the first time you emigrate. You thought - well, you didn't even "think" that, that's just how it was - that being you meant fitting in, being like everyone else, doing the things everyone else does. Those things included simple things like saying hello a certain way, saying "my father" instead of "my dad" when talking to others, wearing nice clothes to work, inviting people to your house without notice weeks in advance and ignoring people on the bus. Actually I got weird reactions to all these things at some point of being an immigrant.
You think it's not a big deal. Well, it's not but these things are just symptoms...that no matter what you are to yourself, you are something else to those who perceive you as such. Your automatic response to the weird looks will be small subtle changes to your behavior that you might experience as limiting your freedom of being yourself, but the fact that you are constantly being reminded of "not being like everyone else" will be too burdensome after a while and you will try to avoid attracting attention knowing that being left alone comes at a price in new surroundings.
So who is right then? If you are "normal" in one place and the distance of several hundred or thousand of kilometers suddenly makes you "abnormal", who is wrong? Who are you if others do not define you? If you adapt completely it might make you feel like you're erasing yourself. If you stay exactly how you are you will be misunderstood as just "trying to make a statement" by being different, or being hostile to your environment plain and simple.
See you can't win... unless you understand that most of what you thought "made" you is easily exchangeable without actually touching the real you. It's a scary thought for most people. What would you be without speaking your language, without going to the same places you went since childhood, without being able to completely compare your life to your family's or friends'? Would you still be you?
I say "yes". I wouldn't be who I was when all I knew was Homeland, nor would I immediately turn into a native of Foreignland. I would be more me because I would make a conscious choice about what defines me and what not. I would be more me because I would distinguish between what's essential to me and what's just a tool to communicate with and live in a community. I would be more me because I could be true to myself in two worlds without compromise and without dictatorship from people's perceptions.
You thought - well, you didn't even "think" that, that's just how it was - that being you meant fitting in, being like everyone else, doing the things everyone else does. Those things included simple things like saying hello a certain way, saying "my father" instead of "my dad" when talking to others, wearing nice clothes to work, inviting people to your house without notice weeks in advance and ignoring people on the bus. Actually I got weird reactions to all these things at some point of being an immigrant.
Dinka,
Not to minimalise the experiences you have had as an immigrant-on the contrary it is more as if to say "oh, see, you know what it is like" but this happens also within this country between people of different ethnic/racial groups. Not to the same degree with all groups, but some more so than others.
Dani, actually I was thinking about that quite a bit in the last few days (I read your letter on interracial friendships) and I realize that this experience is not exclusive to being an immigrant but can happen in a number of other situation, especially racial or ethnic.
I don't see your comment as minimizing anything at all, on the contrary I appreciate hearing about other or similar perspectives.
It's a reassurance too that I'm not crazy after all ;)
"I would be more me because I would distinguish between what's essential to me and what's just a tool to communicate with and live in a community."
I liked that line. Way OT, but it really puts me off when certain people claim (well, almost brag, really) that dressing appropriately for work or church, or following certain customs of etiquette (writing thank-you notes, for example) somehow cramps their "identity." To me, what they're doing is refusing to use the community's "tools" for no good reason.
FWIW, I am not really from anyplace in the US -- may parents moved a lot when I was growing up -- so I am a stranger wherever I go. I am from everyplace and no place.
Excellent post.