Lessons in identity: 2. What is "home"?
An immigrant will have an advantage in the realm of defining home, because unlike most people, he has a choice. Not all options are open, as we all have to be born and grow up somewhere but the immigrant at some point in his life will have the choice to call several places "home" or at least something similar to that.
I have agonized over this for years, on and off, depending on what stage or situation of life I was in. Obviously my home was my immediate family and it will always be, but what about the actual places of growing up, the friendships, the language, the certain kind of humor, the mentality, the "this-is-how-we-do-xyz"? After emigrating the first time, the distinction was clear: I feel really comfortable around people of the same origin as me, but I live my life somewhere else - and I like it. After emigrating the second time, it started to be confusing. I would have had to say: I feel really comfortable around people of both my origins but I live somewhere else and I like it. Haha. It's true, you can spin this indefinitely but in a way I feel I am adding identities and at times it makes me feel like a traitor...or more like a multiple personality? I don't know.
I decided to remove myself from the "dark side" of this dilemma. The side that tells me that I can only be ONE thing otherwise I'm just fooling myself. The side that pressures me to choose choose choose, because otherwise I'm betraying family and friends. The side that wants me to judge people so I can decide that "my people" are the really normal, smart and fun ones and the others might be ok at times, but are not the real thing.
That side will always be there, as far as that is concerned, I will not be fooling myself but the bright side of my situation is just, well, too bright.
I came to like people too much. I really do like them. It's exciting to start your life in an unfamiliar environment, because I can guarantee you, you will not be disappointed. You might not like the food or the weather, but you will come to like the people.
That feeling of togetherness, the connection you felt with your first set of friends, the insider jokes you had, the music you listened to, the places you enjoyed... you really can find it again. You observe people and you learn and soon you participate in their own unique corner of the universe, in their language and in their culture and at some point you can fit right in and realize: This is it! Home! I found it... thousands of miles away from where you first experienced it.
I know it sounds so corny and old but that's because there are a bunch of stupid songs that are trying to evoke a shallow feeling of unity and brotherhood - only at a safe distance of anybody or anything strange or difficult. There is a unity though and to experience that, all sugarcoated "we-are-the-world" emotions aside, is exhilarating and empowering.
Being an immigrant is not easy, but letting go of your "must-haves" and opening your eyes to what's in front of you will not make you lose anything but just gain... a unique perspective, that you as a human being really do fit anywhere.
I do miss my "homes". I miss my relatives in Croatia and hanging out with them. I miss being present for the everyday stuff. I miss my friends in Austria, the towns, the landscape and yes, the food... I miss my friends in Spain, life there is really something else. I feel torn, but it's not a bad feeling. On one hand I feel I should go back to all these place to catch up, on the other hand I feel, I should go somewhere else and go through that whole experience again: being a stranger, learning how to live in a new place, learning the laws of the culture, becoming used to things, starting to like things, and eventually feeling like a part of it. Sometimes I get so excited about it that I feel as if it's almost a responsibility for me to learn all the existing languages and visit all the places there are in the world. Just so I can repeatedly prove my theory that people really are the same and I can be at home wherever I want to.
Hi Dinka,
Just wanted to let you know that I've been following your weblog lately and this post was really interesting.
I've been thinking a lot about this stuff lately, although obviously not from your perspective of being an immigrant. Just about cultures and identity and how one moves through time and space with something called an "identity" with them that changes over time. Are identities inherited? Grown? Chosen? I'm not sure.
All I know is that I have a mother who thinks the sun rises and sets with the Croatian people and culture and, while most of the time I've benefitted from the knowledge I've gained from this, sometimes I have to sit back and realize that I am somehow separate from that and a part of it at the same time.
I once heard an expression: "There's noone more English than an Englishman who no longer lives in England." This, however, does not seem to apply to you as you have such a broader sense of these things.
Enough ramblings from me. But I'll be reading!
~Maryanne
hi maryanne! thanks for posting!
i like that saying and it is very true. i might not really fit that description but i do seem to get a lot more positive feelings for a country once i don't live there anymore.
i'm not sure what it is. i guess distance makes you forget about the bad things...and missing things makes everything look a lot better. i indulge in those feelings quite a bit, but i've learned to remind myself of negative things when i feel my longings are getting out of hand.
I just like this :-))))))))