I wish you could smell this
This is a tree in my yard that just switched into full bloom. It's absolutely wonderful. The best part is that since we moved in in winter I had no idea what stuff grows here. Ah, and it smells so great... you should come over so we can hang out under it.
Being a little blog-ambitious today
(Before I start: my husband came home and fixed the embedded pic in the previous post. Go check us out, young and blissful...)
I recently finished reading this book by Rachel Cusk and I strongly do NOT recommend it. I was looking (still am) for personal accounts on motherhood and the mother-child-experience. After all reference books try to give you the objective view, but we all know subjective is much more fun to read. Not this one. I imagine Rachel Cusk to be this very urban and feminist woman, who is completely removed from what she sees as the traditional (and inferior) feminine role - motherhood. She sets the book up as if her detached feelings were normal but I'm very prone to believe she is proud of her detachment - and therefore most likely contributed willfully to not being a motherly person.
She is right that motherhood changes your identity. I expect that, although I haven't even been through it yet, but I am very uncomfortable with her lengthy descriptions of all the downfalls and problems and the portrayal of her infant daughter as almost an enemy, an intruder who took over her life and made it miserable.
Why do people get SO upset that once the baby is here their whole life is changed and they can't sleep in on Saturdays anymore? I'm sure I'll miss that too (hehe I'm already there.. silly me got herself a dog!), but we don't take steps in life just so we can stay in the same spot. So you wanted a child. Now you have it! Not sleeping through the night is not a mean plot by the child trying to destroy your independent and feminist self. If you wanted to remain what you were forever, maybe you should not have attempted child rearing.
Anyway, she gives herself away in one of the last chapters where she describes the women in the provincial town she and her husband moved to in order to escape the busyness of London (they move back within a few months). They are all matronly, wearing out-of-style flowery dresses, ride their bikes, judge everyone and have tons of children. Plus they are stupid, don't have jobs and are all racist. Obviously she wants the reader to think she has the objective, the more raw and realistic view of motherhood than these lowly women who don't know better than breed all day. Well, she didn't convince me.
Ugh. I finished it... you know, it's tough to drop a book before it ends.
If you're anything like me, don't read it. Save yourself the time for something more fun.
Weekend times one
Well, it's a wonderful Saturday morning, the sun is shining, I just had a gallon of coffee and a dozen butter-strawberry-jam-toasts, the dog is sleeping... but I'm by myself. My dear husband is away on a charity mission after a week of long long hours. I hope he's having fun, because he had to be there awfully early, but I'm not so thrilled continuing my fake single life. Oh well. They have a street craft sale today... ;). In the meantime I will reminisce about the past , pretending I do get to see him enough.
You should jump over too and check his blog. He is revealing embarassing facts about me and himself. Basically I'm fat and he's a drunk. Or something like that. Maybe this is a trailer after all...now, where are my pink stretch pants...
Boondocks again...
I like your joke, Huey.
Posted at 06:49 PM on April 24, 2003Rules of the rich
Have you noticed that sometimes rich people do really stupid things with their money? And that being rich does not mean you automatically have nice stuff? I was walking Digby through a fancy subdivision today and noticed the ugliest curtains in this really big, nice (most certainly expensive) house. How unfair is that? These people could have the coolest window treatment! And what do they pick? Some frumpy flowery pattern covering 3/4ers of the window - starting about 30 cms lower than the actual frame.
See, it only confirms that I should be rich. I have excellent taste. Something like this could never happen to me. If I was rich, I would totally live up to the expectation. I'd have a nice house with beautiful interior and exterior.
Just so you know, if I ever become rich, I will totally deserve it ;).
Happy Easter!
I took this one of some tulips I bought for the dinner table. I love tulips, aren't they just so eastery?
Posted at 12:57 PM on April 20, 2003 | Comments (5)Put a cow in a bathing suit...
Here I am at 25 weeks - the gorgeous body curtesy
of Suzie and her equally gorgeous appetite :)
The cute jacket is a gift from my mom. :)
Yesterday I went to my first "prenatal water exercise"- class. It was fun - and funny. You know how movements in the water always seem kind of clumsy and uncoordinated? Well imagine that, only with about 6-7 women with big bellies. It's fun to do but I sure felt like a balloon. I had a harder time trying to prevent myself from floating than doing some of the exercises. Plus my maternity tankini top decided to slide all the way up (I guess my belly STILL isn't big enough) and so between trying to stay decent and keeping my feet on the ground there was no need for additional physical effort. :)
It was fun to be around other pregnant women though. We exchanged the usual questions... do you know what you're having?... when are you due?
But actually... I was more interested in comparing bellies and behinds. I assume they did the same, but we all stayed terribly polite, of course. I soon realized that comparing was futile. I didn't know what these girls looked like before they were pregnant, if they had been sick or not etc. Plus it helped that I liked my bathing suit the best. I walked away quite satisfied. I also realized that just because someone's pregnant like me, doesn't mean we have anything in common. Pretty smart, huh? It might sound silly to you but given my worries about how motherhood will change me, I'm prone to look for some sort of example of what things will be like. So I look at these girls and realize, that pregnancy does not make people similar, so motherhood won't turn me into some bad example of a mother I've seen either.
Yeah, yeah I know, this is very simply logic, anybody could've told me that, but hey, you are supposed to admire me for my honesty at this point and not laugh at how dumb I'm getting!
Lessons in identity: 3.What happens when you become foreign genetically
It has not yet been established to 100% whether lifestyle and living conditions can or cannot actually change the genetic structure of a person. Ok, maybe it has. Educated people will know that, so please correct me if I'm wrong.
I am sure though that the existence of the "foreign gene" has not been scientifically proven yet. Nevertheless I have strong reason to believe that there is one. I believe you can only acquire it but not be born with it. I am not too convinced of my theory though. If you hear of a research, project regarding this matter, please submit my name and address. In the meantime I will offer you my own theory on what the "foreign gene" is and how it manifests itself.
The foreign gene has no other function than to make you easily identifiable as "foreign" to nationals of any country. If you have the foreign gene, you are foreign in general. This means that your being foreign has mutated from a condition that usually only occurs in relation to something else to a completely independent permanent state, detached from any comparison to "non-foreign". You are just that - foreign. Now what do I mean by that? Well, you are all the things associated with this word: different, unusual, always a step behind or ahead, always visible, not adapted, obviously not from wherever you are living at that moment, you don't fit in, you always have to ask how things are done and generally have a strong tendency to compare everything and everyone to what you have previously assumed to be "normal".
Many might argue that the foreign gene only exists in the perception of the individual who thinks has it, but not to the rest of the world. That's a valid point, but if you think about it, does that really make a difference? If you feel foreign, in the realm of the consequences of what that means for you, only your perception is relevant after all.
Now how does the possession of the foreign gene impact your life? First of all, you are painfully aware of your foreign state. It doesn't matter if other people can tell or not. There seems to be a big bold sign on your forehead that indicates: I'M FOREIGN. Some people actually must be able to see this, because they will invariably always think of that word first when they see you. You might try to convince the surroundings that they are mistaken, but it will be futile. At first you will try to adapt, you will try very hard and you will reach incredible levels of adaptation. This will definitely improve your life, but after a while you realize that your, now smooth functioning in the unfamiliar surroundings, seems to be only a protective layer on top of what you still are: foreign. You will be successful at fooling some people to a certain extent, which will give you satisfaction and relief. It will also make you feel as if you had special powers and you might experience the "invisible observer syndrome". This syndrome makes you feel like a permanent observer of the happenings around you, it does not allow you to fully participate in them. It is a common side effect of the foreign gene. The advantages are that it will make you think you see things more objectively than everyone else. I am not sure if you truly do, but again, in this condition only your perception counts.
Having the foreign gene will leave you feeling lonely and left out a lot. Even in situations where this is not the case, but as we have established, this gene distinguishes itself from the mere fact of being foreign, as it is unrelated to actual facts. The good news is, that you will realize though that this gene is part of you - just like any other body part. You might not like your eyes, your nose or the way you walk but at the same time you know it wouldn't be you if these things weren't the way they are. It's the same with the foreign gene. You ask: Why am I always different? Well, just wait until you find yourself in a situation where people suddenly don't consider you foreign or you think you are not. It might cause fear, anxiety or even panic. Be forewarned: you can't escape the foreign gene. It is your natural state of being, whether you like it or not. Your body will signal you to remove yourself from surroundings that seem to mask or try to alter this state. Listen to yourself. Don't fight it. You have the foreign gene. Live your life accordingly.
About the last entry...
Thanks everybody for your comments! I really appreciate it. I am not really worried about this but I guess I can feel this imminent change in my life and I'm just trying to face it right. If you know what I mean? Obviously having a child does not lift the responsiblity and possibility of making choices about myself, that I know.
I guess I'm just anxious, curious... well, expecting. :)
Identity questions of a different kind
I just got two things in the mail:
- a sample diaper telling me it is the best I could buy.
- a Victoria's Secret catalog asking me: What is sexy?
Being a mother somehow does not evoke pictures of skinny models in lacy underwear... yet does one exclude the other?
I've been wondering in the past weeks what will really change when I become a mother. Ok, I'm not worried about sexy underwear - that was a just an image... you know what I mean.
It does seem more appropriate nowadays to be more of a "girl" when speaking of being a woman, or at least it definitely does not conjure up images of breastfeeding. "Being a mom" has a certain undertone, maybe a little bit as if "mom" does not really go with today's image of the "woman".
But maybe I'm just indoctrinated and biased. I wonder what I'll become. I haven't fit too many molds so far in my life, so I'm not too scared of becoming predictable... but I am a little nervous about what is going to happen to me. Is this child going to take charge over who I am as well?
Hofer fuer Auslaender!
Einige von euch werden wissen, dass es in den USA auch den Hofer gibt, nur heisst er Aldi - also so, wie in Deutschland. Das interessante ist, dass das Geschaeft selbst GENAUSO aussieht wie der Hofer in Oesterreich... die schiache braun-orangene Innenarchitektur, die drei Gaenge zwischen den gestapelten Schachteln... leider sind die Lebensmittel aber total auf den lokalen Geschmack angepasst und vor allem auch an das Geldboersel der Aldikunden. Das heisst es gibt sehr sehr viele Dosen-und Fertigprodukte und die Qualitaet is auch nicht so toll. Ich geh selten zum Aldi, es gibt nur ein paar Sachen, die ich immer kaufe, weil sie gut sind und ultrabillig (frischer Spinat, Salat, Obst etc. und gefrorene Huehnerfilets).
Aber ich wollte gar nicht ueber Aldi's Angebot schreiben, sondern ueber den Aldigeruch. Es riecht genauso wie im Hofer. Gestern hab ich festgestellt dieser Geruch macht mich ganz nostalgisch und happy. Oh, es riecht wie zu hause! Jaja, man wird verzweifelt im Ausland....
Dann setz ich mich ins Auto und dreh das Radio auf. Der Klassiksender spielt den Fruehlingsstimmenwalzer! Ohhh das war aber Absicht! Ich geniesse meine Straussdosis, ueberzeugt, dass das die beste Repraesentation oesterreichischen Alltags ist ;). Dann musste ich natuerlich mitsingen. Ja, es war sehr haesslich und schmerzhaft, aber ich war alleine im Auto. Das tu ich doch niemandem an... aber der Fruehlingsstimmenwalzer ist wie die Koenigin der Nacht in der Zauberfloete, da MUSS man einfach mitpiepsen! Natuerlich komm ich nicht auf die hohen Toene 'rauf, aber darauf kommts nicht an. Ich singe mit, das ist wichtig.
Ich habe meine Heimwehminute auf dem Highway 49 in Northwest Indiana. So? You have a problem with that?