Deep thoughts on parenthood and brand new people
If I remember right I promised something on this topic, so here I go after the vast parental experience of an almost entire month...
There's not much to do for me these days besides feeding the baby and keeping my own body in order which leaves lots of time to ponder what actually happened. I spend many hours looking at my daughter (well, my breasts are right there, there's not much choice ;) and wondering how she really came into this world. It's more than clear to me that we could've never made anthing like that. Sure, we provided the biology... but thinking up a person so perfect, with its own identity and specific features... no way. It's probably very old to say that this baby is a miracle, but I have no other term for it. We can't have an idea for a person and make it reality. Not with a million years of genetic manipulation.
I realized as well that I was mistaken. Like everyone I thought becoming parents was about us having children. Now I see it was never about us at all. The children "have" us. My baby is still small and depends on me entirely, but I already know and see that she is completely her own. I'm just here to help, there is nothing I did or really can do. She's not mine, I was just chosen to help her become who she already is. Sure, for a while we will be a family with the roles clearly ascribed, but ultimately we are all unique individuals thought up personally by God.
I don't think this is really understandable unless you experience it yourself. For people without children to see other people with children it must be simliar to agnostics looking at people worshipping. Religion might or might not make sense logically but as much as you look and look, you'll never see what really goes on between God and the individual. You won't see the personal relationship. Once you are there yourself, everything becomes clear, although you probably won't be able to convey it someone else.
I liked children before I had a baby. I liked the idea of having children, but then again, children themselves wouldn't send me into blissful nirvana. They were cute and all, but they were just that, small people, and I did wonder: So, is that really "it"? You marry, have children, raise them and that's that? Yeah, that's that, but just wait until it's your husband and your children. Some things will just never reveal themselves to you fully until you've been there yourself. It's just not possible. I should remember that next time someone is puzzled I actually do believe in God (the "catholic" way on top of it, mein gott!) and wants me to explain what it's like.
My lifesaver
This is not the best picture quality but I wanted to show you the item that basically allows me to somewhat continue my life as me besides being Veronika"s means of survival. Thanks to the wonderful Maya-sling (purchased from a dear friend) I have been able to do the following:
- eat (yes!!!)
- walk the dog
- clean the living room (somewhat)
- do laundry
- check email and
- write this post!!!
I am still mostly chasing sleep, in order to avoid a divorce. It seems like chronic lack of sleep turns me either into a weepy and whiny mess or a mean-spirited witch (yeah, it should be the one with the "b" instead). Sometimes I feel I'm both which is a very confusing state and that's when I know, that it's time to direct all my efforts into napping and nothing else.
The expatriate's cross
I used to like airports. They are exciting: People from all over the world... Some going on vacation... mysterious doors that lead to interesting places. It also reminds you of all the fun you had going somewhere.
Now it seems the airport just turned into this big beast at the end of a long highway ride that systematically swallows my family members. One second they're here, and another they're gone. Just like that.
I don't like it. I don't like it.
It is how late, uh, early???
I guess I found the time slot I will be posting in for the next few weeks... (it might be months, but I don't want to scare myself). It's 5.32 a.m. and I have a well-fed and sound-asleep baby girl in my lap. Why am I not in bed? I have a lot to learn.
I just looked through a set of wedding pictures of a good friend of mine. Very pretty and very moving - as weddings should be. So I catch a glimpse of all the background details (the wedding took place in Austria)... nothing special, maybe a tree, a corner of a house, the way the sunlight falls... and I get this quite violent tug at my heart: ooooh, look at that... that's me, that's where I'm from! I want to be there!!!
I don't suffer from homesickness too much - not because I don't miss things and people but because I am happy where I am. But sometimes... sigh.
I guess it doesn't help I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in over 2 weeks and it's 5.30 a.m. Ok, it's 5.38 now. Maybe I should try to get another hour of sleep.
Off to dream about Austrian brick... ;)
What should I call it?
It seems my website-title needs an overhaul. "dinka@souzek.com" doesn't cut it anymore. I have to come up with something more... interesting? Original? I don't know, I just know the current setup has to go and I need a new name.
Before I settle on something I thought I might ask my fans for suggestions. What do you think? Does anything come to mind when you think of this site? Please don't say "junk". I just can't handle criticism, plus everybody knows my site is great, so don't even try it.
I can't promise I'll use your suggestions, after all the artist needs freedom of expression, but then again, you never know... :)
Look!
Veronika was baptized last Saturday!
Posted at 10:11 AM on August 19, 2003 | Comments (6)Dinka's life, Part II
(This could almost be a Lifetime-movie title. :) The mini-series of my life. There's even a baby involved now!)
The reason for the title: As they say, nothing is like it used to be and actually, that's what I expected so no real surprises here. I'm wrapped up in taking care for this demanding little girl and although I could REALLY use some sleep, I'm not frustrated nor depressed... as of yet. Luckily there is no way around loving her and so we spend the day together, meeting every two hours at my breasts.
I have not yet had time to grasp what happened and that I have a daughter now and what that means, but I have a lot of time and lots more time to come, so maybe soon I will be able to give you a very thorough analysis of what it really means to have a child.
I have two blog responsibilities now and it will take me some time to figure out how to separate the two "stories" of her and my life. In any case you should obviously follow both.
Now that the baby is out of me, I am left with what used to be my body. The remains of the pregnancy and everything it took to let this baby out. It's scary. I am left with the miniature version of a classic beer belly, no, not a cute left-over pregnancy belly, but a flabby weird-shaped nothing sticking out with a dark line down the middle. All my other body parts that seemed proportionate to the big thing in front now suddenly appear their actual size and I feel every single pound. I know it's been only 2 weeks and it will all go back to normal, but, my god, what happened to me?! I guess it's "Motherhood Maternity"-fashion for me for another couple of months. Sigh.
Ok, the next entry is going to be all deep and philosophical about the miracle of parenthood... ;)
Posted at 07:51 PM on August 17, 2003 | Comments (5)Veronika's Birth Story
Before I start - I want you to know that I have the most amazing husband in the world. I could not have asked for anyone better to experience this with!
I will try to stick to the facts here, although I must say that I still feel as if I am under some sort of "shock" about the whole experience. Birth is usually not an event one goes through without being deeply moved in some way but then again it went beyond anything I could've imagined or anybody could've prepared me for.
Regarding pain.. yes, it was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt or ever been through. It did bring me to the edge - if there really is one, because it felt like the agony would never stop. And although I must admit that in the midst of the worst I wasn't having any sacrificing or noble thoughts about my baby or the miracle that was about the happen, looking back I realize that labor and birth truly cannot be compared to any kind of other pain that does not involve bringing a life into this world and that my energy was "spiritual" in a way.
Today is the 4th day of her life and the 4th day "after" for me. I still have a hard time combining the two events... her birth and "my birth". Thinking of it, I get tears in my eyes and have no clue if it's because of the joy about meeting her or because of the pain I still can't believe I went through.
Ok, I'll start: She was born on 3rd August 2003 at 3 a.m. of a Sunday after about 45 hours of labor total. I woke up on Friday morning, 1st August at 5.30 with my water breaking. It didn't come out in a big gush but rather several small ones. My contractions started too but they were very mild and very far apart. We had breakfast and a nice morning - Lincoln didn't go to work. The contractions got continuously stronger and when we started watching a movie around 2 in the afternoon I realized that I wasn't really enjoying it anymore because the pain was getting stronger and more frequent. So we decided to go to the hospital at about 5 p.m. on Friday. They checked me when I arrived and I was at 3 cm and about 60% effaced. Right on track! I continued to labor through the night using the Bradley relaxation techniques we learned. Since the contractions had really picked up, we didn't really get much sleep - it was just too painful to sleep through the pain. They checked me again at 4 or 5 a.m. and I had moved up to 6 cm. I was VERY happy and relieved - thinking I would soon be pushing.
Well... at 7 a.m. I was still at 6cm. The doctor called and said, since it had been over 24 hours since my water broke, I should make some kind of progress in the next two hours because she was getting worried about the baby (whose heart rate was still perfect by the way). I could either dilate more, the baby could drop more or I could efface more. At 9 a.m. the baby had dropped two stations! We were so happy. I was still at 6 cm though. I kept laboring but I could feel my energy disappearing... I hadn't eaten since noon the day before and I had barely slept. By 11 I hadn't progressed at all. Now we asked to be given another 2 hours to try to move the baby down naturally. I knew this was my last chance because I felt that I had no strength to labor longer than that on my own anymore. It was so tough... Lincoln and I walked the halls and I squatted through contractions - which made them even more painful but I just wanted this birth to be intervention-free SO badly.
Well, nature had a different idea. At 1.30 pm I was still at 6 and we decided to have an epidural after doctor's advice. It was disappointing and sad for us... we had prepared very well for a natural birth and we were such a good team. Although I was absolutely sure of my decision to have an epidural, Lincoln and I still cried as they administered it. It was just so overwhelming. After 30 hours of natural labor it seemed we had gotten nowhere. Looking back I know though that it was the right decision to labor naturally for so long - it helped me to stay focused and in control until the end.
When I got the epidural we both took a long nap. The idea was that because of me relaxing, my uterus could do its work better and dilate. Well - again, that didn't happen. After 2-3 hours I got my first dose of pitocin. They checked me at about 7 and I was still at 6 cm. We were getting desperate... the doctor mentioned c-section and we were devastated. This was NOT what we had expected at all. Since the baby's heart rate was still excellent though, the doctor suggested to place an internal contraction monitor and see if my contractions were effective. Well, they were not - not surprisingly my uterus was not at its best after 30 hours of contractions. They upped the pitocin dose and two hours later I went to 7-8 cm and another hour later to 9!!! We were SO happy!!! Actually I don't know who was more happy, the doctor or me! An hour after that I was ready to push. With the epidural still going though, I wasn't too good at it and they shut it off. I started feeling real pushing contractions and that was NOT fun! I started pushing at 11.30 pm on Saturday. After half an hour of no progress they suggested I rested. So I did and in the meantime they gave me some pitocin as well...actually at first without telling me - thinking it would scare me. And it did. But by the time I realized those were not just my contractions, there was no way back. I had to push with the accelerated pitocin contractions. I pushed for 3 hours until the baby came.
I'm still scared thinking about it - it was beyond painful. I felt trapped, there was no way out, I had to go through it but I felt like I had 0 physical nor mental energy anymore. All I wanted was for everything to stop! I remember yelling at the nurses and Lincoln: Take this baby out!!!!! NOOOOOOW! They kept encouraging me that I was doing great but I thought they were out of their minds. In my almost delirious state I thought I needed to explain to them how much it hurt and how I could not push anymore, not one more time... I remember thinking how mean all these people were... here I am laying on my back in excruciating pain and nobody is helping! I suppose there is no way to describe this situation. I still go back thinking about it and trying to process the sensation.
Once the baby's head started showing suddenly its heart rate started dropping (for the first time since labor started!) after each push. The doctor got worried and decided to use the vacuum extractor - which at this point was fine with me because I would've asked her to pull the baby out of me with her bare hands! My beautiful daughter was born at 2.47 a.m. on Sunday. She had two bloody wounds on her head from being stuck behind my pelvis bones for so long. Poor baby! When I saw her I just started screaming... I don't know if I was more relieved or shocked or happy. They placed her on my belly and Lincoln cut the cord. We were amazed... we could've never imagined she would be so beautiful. We just couldn't believe any of it.
The rest of the night is still somewhat of a blur to me... as is the following day. I realize now that because of the traumatic labor my energy for bonding with Veronika was very affected. Unfortunately the shock of labor and birth were just too strong. Then on Monday I remember spending several hours alone with her... and it kind of struck me: this is my daughter!!! I hugged her and hugged her and just cried. I guess it would be easy just to say how it was all worth it. Of course it was, although I think it will take me some more time to understand what happened and how and... why. What I know for sure though, is that it all went exactly how it was supposed to be. I don't want to go through that pain again if I don't have to - but then again it's one of those things in life you don't "choose", they choose you and there is no other option than giving 100%. THAT I'm ready to do again in a heartbeat.
She's here
[This is Lincoln posting on Dinka's behalf. She is resting in the hospital.]
- Name: Veronika Therese Souzek
- Date of birth: August 03, 2003 at 2:47 a.m.
- Height: 21.5 inches (54.61 cm)
- Weight: 8 lbs 6 oz (3.81 kg)
- Eyes: Dark blue (subject to change)
- Hair: Light brown?
Posted at 02:08 PM on August 03, 2003 | Comments (18)