Deep thoughts on parenthood and brand new people
If I remember right I promised something on this topic, so here I go after the vast parental experience of an almost entire month...
There's not much to do for me these days besides feeding the baby and keeping my own body in order which leaves lots of time to ponder what actually happened. I spend many hours looking at my daughter (well, my breasts are right there, there's not much choice ;) and wondering how she really came into this world. It's more than clear to me that we could've never made anthing like that. Sure, we provided the biology... but thinking up a person so perfect, with its own identity and specific features... no way. It's probably very old to say that this baby is a miracle, but I have no other term for it. We can't have an idea for a person and make it reality. Not with a million years of genetic manipulation.
I realized as well that I was mistaken. Like everyone I thought becoming parents was about us having children. Now I see it was never about us at all. The children "have" us. My baby is still small and depends on me entirely, but I already know and see that she is completely her own. I'm just here to help, there is nothing I did or really can do. She's not mine, I was just chosen to help her become who she already is. Sure, for a while we will be a family with the roles clearly ascribed, but ultimately we are all unique individuals thought up personally by God.
I don't think this is really understandable unless you experience it yourself. For people without children to see other people with children it must be simliar to agnostics looking at people worshipping. Religion might or might not make sense logically but as much as you look and look, you'll never see what really goes on between God and the individual. You won't see the personal relationship. Once you are there yourself, everything becomes clear, although you probably won't be able to convey it someone else.
I liked children before I had a baby. I liked the idea of having children, but then again, children themselves wouldn't send me into blissful nirvana. They were cute and all, but they were just that, small people, and I did wonder: So, is that really "it"? You marry, have children, raise them and that's that? Yeah, that's that, but just wait until it's your husband and your children. Some things will just never reveal themselves to you fully until you've been there yourself. It's just not possible. I should remember that next time someone is puzzled I actually do believe in God (the "catholic" way on top of it, mein gott!) and wants me to explain what it's like.
Dinka,
You have such a lovely way of expressing yourself. You've described my sentiments exactly, as a mother of three little miracles myself.
WOW! Dinka, you're really good at talking profoundly!
Lots of food for thought. You've got a great gift for self-observation. :-)