Surprise
(I posted, I posted!!! I did it! ... freedom, freeedom, freeeeedom!)
People say when you have a baby you instantly love the new child and are happy beyond words. I was secretly wondering if that was true. Then I had the baby and well, I'm not sure that's how it happened for me. Oh, I was happy beyond words and I loved my baby but looking back it seems more to me like going through labor was as if someone had hit me with a baseball bat over the head and out of shock I didn't just drop but started running for my life. And only now I feel like I'm slowing down. It's as if there was no time to feel just exhilarated and happy... from the terror and disbelief that after that marathon delivery I was not going to have a full night's sleep for months to the terror and disbelief that this baby would not nap anywhere else but in my arms two months later.
I can switch from wanting to run away from it all in one minute to missing her terribly right after she went to sleep in the other. Still, I noticed that from the start I have loved her in a completely new way. It's as if all the pain and discomfort of motherhood has slowly peeled away layers of fog and dust to reveal a constant and simple reality: I love like I haven't loved before. And it has nothing to do with happy baby feelings or pink fluffy thoughts. Believe me, those are gone after the first nap-less day. This love is different - it's there whether I have feelings or not, it's a normal reality like daylight... it's just there. Still, it surprised me because I had never experienced it before. It's like having the ominous pink elephant in your yard and thinking it's the most normal, yet completely unexpected thing to see there.
I realize motherhood has to give you some special powers, otherwise it's humanly impossible work. Until now I didn't know what 100% really means. No, I'm serious. And nobody could have prepared me for that, because it seems only your own child can trigger such dedication. Even on days when I really really don't feel like it.
Posted at 04:15 PM on October 12, 2003
The first few months are very hard for me, they are tiring, they are emotionally draining due more to hormones. It also goes by very fast because you are always on your toes.
The love you describe is the decision you make to dedicate your life to forming this person to become as healthy a person as possible. I had no concept what it would be like either. I had three little brothers who I helped take care of as a teen, and I thought when I had my own child, I would feel the same way I did about my baby brothers, but it was completely different.