Negative Sleep Association
My baby cannot go to sleep without nursing. Except in the car. According to the books this is bad bad bad. And... yes, I will admit it would be nice if she could go to sleep on her own. It would also teach her not to wake up at night the books say. I would get more sleep and we would both be so much happier. I suppose that might be true, but I can't say because this is not happening at my house at the moment. Instead, this is what is happening right now:
When Veronika gets sleepy, she rubs her eyes with her fists and when I pick her up, she will rub her face in my shoulder. We go to her room/office and I sit down in the one chair that's there, the one at the computer desk. I take her blankie and blanket and "unpack". As soon as we sit down she knows what's coming and makes an anxious noise - watching me lifting my shirt, her eyes are filled with a mixture of impatience, utter excitement and ... longing. As soon as the nipple is in her mouth, she looks as if she's landed on another planet. Her eyes are still open but she's not really looking at anything. Her whole body starts to relax and she drifts off into indescribable comfort. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to describe the feeling I get from watching her sucking and relaxing and ultimately falling asleep. She might be just 7 months old but she knows what it means to find peace of mind, to find that one spot and state where she feels at home and safe. And when she dozes off and I unlatch her, she will protest in her half-sleep and with her eyes closed frantically try to catch my breast with her mouth, her head bobbing and her arms reaching, acting as if I'd cut her last lifeline. I latch her on again.
I didn't like breastfeeding much at first. Besides being really painful in the beginning, I was tired of having someone using my body for survival again - or still. I will be glad when it's over, but I can't deny I love what it does for my baby girl at the moment. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing her asleep in my lap, after she's done nursing. The feeling of complete comfort and ease spread all over her face. I catch myself enjoying this sight at 3 a.m. even though I'm not even fully awake and the plastic of the chair is cold on my back.
I know she's not going to remember any of this but I dare to think it will stay in her conciousness somewhere as a reality that there is a place to be herself, to relax, to be content and satisfied and that she will be able to find this in many other ways when she grows up. There are few things as valuable as knowing that you will be ok no matter what and not having to suck energy out of other people to mask a constant fear and insecurity about the legitimacy of your own being.
Posted at 10:39 AM on February 24, 2004 | Comments (2)Alive and well
If you're tired of looking at babies, look at puppies.
Posted at 08:54 AM on February 24, 2004There's more of us
Speaking of sleepy, this is another great illustration: Dooce.
Posted at 11:48 AM on February 23, 2004 | Comments (2)Unpopular
I told myself I would not blog about this, but as you can see, I changed my mind. Well, I didn't, but I just have to say something - at the risk of being misunderstood and disliked (obviously that has never happened before ;). I understand the desire of gay couples to live together, get married etc. I understand their dilemma, I can see the pain of being homosexual in a heterosexual world. I can understand the desire, but the desire doesn't make B out of A. It doesn't make black white and white black.
I'm reading "Parents Magazine" (controversial, I know), the article is called "Zoe has two mommies": mommy and mama are raising her. Mommy says: "When we started thinking about having a family... we met with a fertility specialist to discuss how to proceed. Obviously we faced issues that heterosexual couples don't encounter." Uhm... yeah. You can't blame this on narrowminded right-wing fundamenalists. These "issues" are not a consequence of unjust laws. I'm pretty sure married homosexual couples in Netherlands have those same issues even though they do not face legal obstacles like here. To me the current discussion has created the biggest pink (or is it purple?) elephant in the room. Everyone is elated that finally finally gay couples will be legally recognized as what they've always been: two people who love each other and want to have a family, just like the heterosexual ones. It's ok they want that but they can't. How big of a hint do people need that there's something wrong with this picture? And don't blame it on the religious right, as much as they are often bigoted and merciless. Two healthy women or two healthy men cannot produce offspring without some sort of artificial intervention or adoption. They are not the same as heterosexual couples. It's nature. All morality aside.
We can discuss whether homosexual couples should marry or not and what that would look like legally. We can discuss whether it should be a government issue or not. We can discuss the moral side. We can discuss the practical side. We can discuss it all and wonder what it will mean for the future, but please, let's be honest and call things by their name. It seems it is so PC to support gay marriage that the mere pressure of having to appear "open-minded" and having to keep up with current trends has immobilized people's ability to think when it comes to anything gay-related. If you want to be understanding, you have to support the gay lifestyle, and if you don't, you are not understanding. To say the least. You are probably a heartless bigot.
It's the emperor's new clothes: everyone is clapping in delight and no one dares to say what is more than obvious. It bugs me to no end.
Posted at 09:24 PM on February 20, 2004 | Comments (8)Oh, when I was young...
Look, what I found. We spent our honeymoon there in 2000.
(You'll have to register, but it's free.)
From the SAHM* Front
*Stay-At-Home-Mom
One of Dr. Phil's (I know. No need to say it!) favorite wisdoms is that if there is enough, sex makes for about 10% of a relationship and if there isn't enough, it's 90%. I think though what he meant to say is sss...leep and not sex and that applied to life and not just relationships. Ok, this is a bad introduction but I did get your attention, plus even scared you a little. Don't worry, this site is squeaky clean.
After 6 months (it IS a long time!) of motherhood I have come to the conclusion that there are many things no one ever really talks about. Or rarely anyways. In spite of a growing reluctance among people to have children because of the work involved, it is still not really OK to talk about how hard it is. I suppose there is a difference between working moms and SAHMs (I'm only using this term because it's the most used, personally I dislike it very much), but I was only the latter, so forgive my ignorance.
This has nothing to do with my love for my daughter, it doesn't change my decision to spend every day with her in the least bit, it's just a public acknowledgement of the "other" side of taking care of cute babies.
Not sleeping enough for weeks and months doesn't just make you sleepy, it can change your personality. At least it does to me. I'm not talking about sleeping only 6 hours a few nights in a row and then feeling tired and going to bed early afterwards. I'm talking about constantly interrupted sleep, never sleeping longer than 2-3 hours in a row over a looong period of time. I start feeling resentful with everyone around me, including the dog. After that I begin to resent objects as well! The stupid house, the idiot diaper bag, the spiteful scissors... you get the point. Then I lose interest... in everything. Nothing motivates me, I have no desire to do anything beside staring out the window (and of course be resentful). And when in this delightful state I am required to try to stop my baby from crying for the umpth time I suddenly realize I am about to lose it and there is nothing that will help me. I feel like I'm looking for the switch to turn this movie off because I can't bear not being able to bear it. It's the ultimate loss of control. I'm not really prone to emotional outburts or drama queen fits or even crying. And here I am watching myself melt on a regular basis, wishing myself far far away from here, in a land of empty, quiet bedrooms, waiting to be slept in. By me. Through the night. Without babies.
Another aspect of this job of mine is that there are no weekends, no Friday nights, no holidays. It is what it is. Day in, day out. I don't think it is possible to understand what that means until you actually get to experience it and then it's too late to "prepare" (like you could prepare!). With every hard task so far there was always an end in sight. A soon-to-come finish line, the day that you can say "all done!" and you can sit on the couch and relax or take a trip or just do anything uninterrupted for the amount of time that you wish to do it. I am a permanently permanent employee of Veronika S. (and to think I might have several of those one day!). Sure, I do sit down to have coffee when she naps, but even that moment is not fully mine, because she is the one that will decide about the next minute of my life, not me. How do you do the hardest job of your life for 24 hours a day, every single day for x amount of years? "One day at a time" I know I know...please, this is not a plea for attention and sympathy, nor a request for handy daily wisdom (and also not a time to tell me: I told you so).
This is just... to say how hard it is.
Posted at 10:44 AM on February 17, 2004 | Comments (10)February 14th
You thought today was Valentine's Day, but it's not. It's my brother's birthday. He was born 18 years ago today and you wouldn't believe how much bigger he is now, he has lots more hair and is not jaundiced at all! Also, my dad does not carry him around either. Ok, it's not the most recent picture, but quite cute, don't you think?
Happy Birthday, Daniel! Enjoy your adult years, it only gets better, I promise!
Coming out
My husband recently said something like this to me: Stop writing those long, serious posts nobody wants to read! And since I'm his wife, I will heed his words... for a very short while.
Anyway, I thought it was time I'd let you know I am hopelessly devoted to American Idol. I guess it's lame, but come on, it's just so so entertaining! After enjoying the first few weeks of horrendous auditions it's down to the (supposedly) good singers now and every week I pick my favorites and reeeeeeeaaaallly really hope they make it. See, normal people would pick up the phone and vote for their picks but not me. I just sit there and reaaaaaalllly reaaaaalllly hope they make it. I don't know why I don't call. It just seems too much work after AI is on - it's late night (about 8, but that's an hour before my bedtime) and I have assumed a reclined position on the couch... a phone call doesn't fit into my schedule at that time. Maybe one day when I upgrade from my $19.99-a-month-cell-phone-plan and purchase a cell phone made after 1900 I will text-message my vote. Maybe.
So if you watched this week, I am reaaaally reaaaaally hoping Fantasia (yep, that's right, that's a name) and Diana get to go to the next round.
I know I know
Enough with the boasting already! But you should still check out my baby sitting up and shaking her little behind on a few new movies we have up.
Posted at 03:07 PM on February 09, 2004 | Comments (1)Raising kids Dinka's way.
If you read my entries on Veronika's page, you will have noticed we currently have a sleeping situation. No, Veronika has never slept through the night, but besides her first two weeks of life, her sleeping pattern has really been quite manageable. The wakings were gradually decreasing (partly with my encouragement) and ended up being only once a night. Then we came back from Austria and she started a crazy waking-up-almost-every-hour-pattern. Again, I'm using a book to help me get it all back on track and I can see results, but it's all veeery slow. I guess it's my own fault for not being "tough" and letting my baby cry-it-out.
It seems there are quite a few so-called experts out there who claim the best and fastest way to get a baby(not toddler!) to sleep soundly through the night, is to put her in the crib and leave her there. Maybe return a few times, pat her on her back and then leave again. Some even suggest doing so from day one, somehow implying that a baby's cry doesn't really mean much, and if it does, obviously the need the child is expressing, is not worth the bother. Actually, they say, the child IS fine, it just doesn't know it yet, but by screaming in the crib for hours it will just figure it out. This is how it goes: you feed the baby, make sure they are clean and changed and put them in the crib, say night-night and disappear. The baby starts roaring, probably feeling slightly lonely and abandoned, but that doesn't matter because after a while this happens: The baby thinks: "Oh, wow, I've been screaming here for hours and nobody's coming! But wait, hey, somehow I'm starting to feel all better! Hm, I thought I was alone and NOT fine, but I AM fine. Really! No monster came to eat my head and my legs did not fall off. Great! Goodnight!" Done! Baby learned that it's fine even when alone and that only at 8 weeks! Success for the parents, everyone is happy. Obviously whoever thinks that the only conclusion the baby can make at this age is, that when you feel scared and scream, nobody comes, which means 1. it's no use crying and wanting your mom, because we're all on our own after all and 2. this "being scared" feeling I'm getting when I'm by myself is actually a normal state of being - anyway, whoever thinks that is just plain dumb and more than that a weak, backbone-lacking nancy, who will never be able to have their child under control, much less enforce any kind of discipline...ever.
Another line of thought is that the #1 thing a baby has to be taught is to NOT get dependent on anything, not the constant presence of their parents, not the breast or the bottle, nothing that could chain them for life to a bad bad pattern. That's why whatever you don't want your child to do at 18, do not let them do it when they are 6 months and whatever you want them to be able to do at 18, start training them for it right away. As soon as they slip out the womb. That's why Lincoln and I have started Veronika on the "get-off-your-lazy-baby-butt-program", where we leave her in the crib with a couple of eggs, a frying pan and a flashlight (for those nightly trips to the bathroom). After all she's obviously fine, she'll figure it out in a few weeks and we will have something to show for!
Posted at 10:09 AM on February 07, 2004 | Comments (1)Only In America
This is just too much. I totally need that "Hallelujah! Aerobics", too.
Posted at 11:17 AM on February 05, 2004 | Comments (3)