Negative Sleep Association
My baby cannot go to sleep without nursing. Except in the car. According to the books this is bad bad bad. And... yes, I will admit it would be nice if she could go to sleep on her own. It would also teach her not to wake up at night the books say. I would get more sleep and we would both be so much happier. I suppose that might be true, but I can't say because this is not happening at my house at the moment. Instead, this is what is happening right now:
When Veronika gets sleepy, she rubs her eyes with her fists and when I pick her up, she will rub her face in my shoulder. We go to her room/office and I sit down in the one chair that's there, the one at the computer desk. I take her blankie and blanket and "unpack". As soon as we sit down she knows what's coming and makes an anxious noise - watching me lifting my shirt, her eyes are filled with a mixture of impatience, utter excitement and ... longing. As soon as the nipple is in her mouth, she looks as if she's landed on another planet. Her eyes are still open but she's not really looking at anything. Her whole body starts to relax and she drifts off into indescribable comfort. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to describe the feeling I get from watching her sucking and relaxing and ultimately falling asleep. She might be just 7 months old but she knows what it means to find peace of mind, to find that one spot and state where she feels at home and safe. And when she dozes off and I unlatch her, she will protest in her half-sleep and with her eyes closed frantically try to catch my breast with her mouth, her head bobbing and her arms reaching, acting as if I'd cut her last lifeline. I latch her on again.
I didn't like breastfeeding much at first. Besides being really painful in the beginning, I was tired of having someone using my body for survival again - or still. I will be glad when it's over, but I can't deny I love what it does for my baby girl at the moment. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing her asleep in my lap, after she's done nursing. The feeling of complete comfort and ease spread all over her face. I catch myself enjoying this sight at 3 a.m. even though I'm not even fully awake and the plastic of the chair is cold on my back.
I know she's not going to remember any of this but I dare to think it will stay in her conciousness somewhere as a reality that there is a place to be herself, to relax, to be content and satisfied and that she will be able to find this in many other ways when she grows up. There are few things as valuable as knowing that you will be ok no matter what and not having to suck energy out of other people to mask a constant fear and insecurity about the legitimacy of your own being.
Posted at 10:39 AM on February 24, 2004
You know I hope this isn't too much to post. But I have always both looked forward to and dreaded breastfeeding. It scares me the thought of someone biting me in that sensative area or pulling at me there. At the same it is one of the most beautiful things to see a Mom breastfeeding her child. This is one of the things I really worry about for when my baby is born, if I will be able to bfd.
I am just so afraid it will really hurt and I will wimp out somehow or not be able to do it. I really wish I had my mom closer by so she could advise me, I just feel like somehow I will never be able to figure these things out.
Ich finde das alles auch! Und mach dir keine Sorgen, das mit dem Stillen und Abstillen entwickelt sich im Normalfall von alleine, d.h. eigentlich kann man das ruhig dem Kind überlassen. Im MOment braucht sie es total und sie hat wirklich noch Zeit, um anders einschlafen zu lernen. Wenn Kinder von der Mama Nähe und Geborgenheit wollen und auch bekommen können ist doch was wunderschönes, oder? Ist halt meine Meinung(zum Teil auch schon geprüft und bestätigt.