Kids getting married
When Lincoln and I decided to get married, we were your typical fools in love blinded by bliss, who had lost their minds. We didn't seem to care that we were committing the worst mistakes according to all current social standards as well as reasonable advice from almost every marriage counselor.
First of all, by setting a wedding date a little over a year after we first met we reduced the extremely valuable time of dating other people to zero. Being older than Lincoln I had the advantage of an extra 4 years of wonderfully entertaining and fulfilling dating experiences (as everyone's dating experiences were, right?), but I was still only 24 and that is by far not enough years to have dating figured out, let alone to know how to get married. That's what is said anyways. Second of all we had no financial means, no savings, no jobs nor the prospect of such. We also had no "careers", nor professional goals, no 5 or 10-year-plans. And third, - the worst of the worst-, we had never lived together, not in an apartment, a house, not in the same town, not on the same continent. Given this disaster of decisionmaking and preparation we should probably have gotten a divorce long ago. In fact, we might not be even really married, because we just did it all wrong.
To me, getting married to this man was the safest, most responsible and logical thing to do at exactly that time of my life. As exciting as it was, it was a calm and quiet decision. It felt more like an acknowledgement of facts than a tempestuous omygodi'msoexcitedican'tbelieveifoundtheone-type of thing (although I was completely smitten by his good looks). It's like hearing the drops against the window and moving the curtain to confirm "Yes, it's raining." And that's it.
I'm sure some people will say we are just "that kind of people", meaning we are "people who get married". That implies we have some sort of extra marriage gene or are programmed to just pick someone and settle down quickly. Another theory is that it is destiny that put us together and we can never ever separate because she holds us like two foamy Teletubbies suspended in a choiceless nirvana. Some will claim it's just because we are extremely attractive people and can't get enough of staring at each other, which always ensures longlasting marital stability. The last version is probably closest to the truth but still wrong.
I like being married. I loved my wedding, don't get me wrong, but what comes after is so much better. Nobody warned me about the satisfaction of living the daily grind with someone you know in and out... and yet not completely. I was unprepared for the joy of seeing my husband totally excited about something I could not care less about. Who knew there would be this inaudible conversation going on, a tacit "I know that you know that I know..." that goes on and all times and melts the boundaries between "I" and "you", so that sometimes you wonder if this was your thought or his or whether you really are two separate people. Marriage is not popular, at least not for those reasons. There is a strong emphasis on either romantic ecstasy or the suburban boredom when it comes to the notion of taking vows. You will be cautioned about trusting too much or giving too much. You will not be cautioned about the unity, the friendship, the metamorphosis you might go through... and enjoy!
I'm not the perfect wife, although I do bake cookies on a regular basis, but I do have the perfect marriage, in great part due to a perfect husband who was dumb enough to agree to a seemingly doomed set-up and like me, is happy because of it.
Posted at 09:30 PM on March 30, 2004
This made me smile. :o)
Before my dh and I were married, we went to a pre-cana retreat, and I wish I were joking, but it seemed as if so many of the other couples didn't even know each other. They would make us sit in separate rooms, and ask us to answer essay-like questions on everything from our expectations of marriage and children, to our tastes, preferences, and personality types. It was amazing to regard the horror on most of the other couples' faces upon reading their future brides'/grooms' responses. So many of them had obviously never discussed anything even remotely important. Maybe that's an unfair assumption, but considering what I witnessed, I can't imagine that I was too far off in my assessment. My dh and I had nearly identical responses, and it was obvious that we had discussed all of these issues ad nauseum, well before we were even engaged. It was a good thing of course, as I hate not knowing where I stand with people. I was surely not going to let this (i.e. that horrible state of not knowing) happen with the person I was going to live with for the rest of my life.
Sigh, very romantic blog.
What they said. I got a little misty eyed, too. Makes me excited about joining the club :) Only 66 days to go! (Here in the 'Burg, one might refer to today as Mario Lemieux Day)
Liebe Dinka!
Da kann ich nur aus eigener Erfahrung hinzufuegen-die Liebe ueberwindet alle Schwierigkeiten!!!
Ich freu mich sehr, dass Du so gluecklich bist ;-)
Viele Bussis,
Stephanie
As someone about to get married (!), I found this to be a very lovely thing to read. :-)
oh darn ... I did not know I was supposed to be baking cookies on a regular basis .... and that is probably the only thing standing between me and the title of 'perfect wife'.
Off to bake,
Leah