So, how did you do it?
Just like when you're pregnant and your belly seems to attract comments from strangers on a regular basis, when you have a baby, you are a moving target. Everyone feels called to the noble task of instructing you on proper child-raising techniques and critique your current performance. It's as if just like a semi you have a sign taped on your back saying: "How is my parenting? Please come and do tell!" Is your child wearing shoes? It is not? Why not? It IS wearing shoes? Why? Don't you know that's bad? Does your baby sleep through the night? No? BAD! So, you STILL breastfeed?! What, you do NOT breastfeed? When are you going to have another one? You don't know? When will you know? Do you stay home with her? Great. You do? Hm. Let me tell you how I did it!
One of the things I get to hear a lot about is whether my baby needs to be more attached or more separated. Her completely natural behavior, called "separation anxiety" is met with disapproving comments on how she needs to learn to be "more independent". Apparently dependency at 10 months of age is likely to make my child never ever want to move out of her parental home (she will also probably still be nursing). There are also plenty of those knowing looks when I admit to being a stay-at-home-mom. "Oh, I see. She's very attached to you." What they meant to say was: YOU are very attached to your baby and you shouldn't be. See, the "advice" is supposedly about the baby but actually it's advice about me, the mother. The real issue is never what's best for the baby (although officially that's all it is) but whether I'm a good mom or not. Even though I am extremely mature and know to act friendly because I understand that the well-meaning advisers are just talking about their own issues and their own regrets, I am increasingly tempted to just tell them: Your comment is testing the boundaries of normal social conduct! (Ok, that is a quote, but a good one!)
I am sick and tired of listening to veteran moms (!) tell me how separation is good for my infant when what they're really saying is: "I feel guilty about leaving my baby when she was really small and because I don't know how to handle that I need to justify my own decision by making you do just like me. See, if you do that it will make ME feel better. So there! Put your baby in daycare already!"
Before you gauge my eyes out, I am NOT (read: NOT) saying that they indeed made a bad decision putting their child in daycare. I don't know about their circumstances and their needs and priorities as a family. I don't want to know. Nevertheless, they will tell me. They will make sure I hear it at every possible opportunity. With feverish energy they try to convince me that they were totally fine with whatever they did while I, with feverish energy, try to convince them that I DON'T REMEMBER EVERY IMPLYING THE OPPOSITE. You can just say that you are sad you had to work while you wished you could've spent that time with your baby. That's ok. It's ok to miss you baby when you are at work. You are not a bad mother. Please back off now. And for the record, I am staying home with my child because I want to and believe it or not, it is not meant to be a provocative political statement addressed to every employed mom out there.
The funny thing is, every mother whose child is even just a few months older than yours feels "experienced" compared to you. You provide a funny anecdote about your baby doing this or that and you will get the knowing looks, the "Oh, I've SOOO been there! That is history to me, so ancient I barely remember, but look, how lucky you are, I DO remember and I will tell you all about it!" It's probably been only 3 months, but in parenting progress that is huge. Because, let's be honest, as parents, we never really know what we're doing. We are like teachers who are in the same grade as our kids only we have to lead the way. Sometimes we might be wiser with a subsequent child, but then again that child might be so different from the previous ones that actually we are learning to parent all over again. I suppose it's that permanent feeling of never being done with the on-the-job-training that creates the compulsive need to at least appear competent and experienced at all times. They say: "Just you wait... until your 11-month-old is 12 months old! THEN it's a whoooole different story!" while I'm standing there wide-eyed and in awe trying to imagine what it's like to parent a baby one month older than mine! Right.
Another good way of making the advice sound really important is to appear slightly annoyed and bored. That means you are so totally beyond getting worked up over your child's antics that it gives you an air of superiority and, of course, immense experience. Wow, SHE must be a great mother, she is so completely untouched by the screaming toddler she is hauling on her leg! Surprisingly those moms are not above taking extensive time to really let you know that THEY ARE SO OVER that kid's behavior! They are so over it that they have time to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong with yours!
Just like outings with my belly, outings with my child are an open invitation for everyone to come and "help me" only I am too full of myself to graciously accept the advice. It must be because my mom made me wear socks...
What is weird for me is that it is mostly MEN who seem to love to comment on my tummy. What is up with that? Seriously I can't go around town without having some GUY make a comment. Yes, random guys on the street of all types will come up to me to talk about my big tummy. I haven't had one women yet, but the stream of men is endless. Is that just a Seattle thing or something that is happening to me? Why in the world do men feel the need to talk to me about my pregancy? What the heck.
Wow, Dinka, I was really thinking you live on some other continent and everything is different there. Appearently it is not - here I met the same mothers who were asking and telling me the same things...
This really bugged me, especially during my first pregnancy. And I was one of those insecure new mothers, who wanted so badly not to make any mistakes and I felt so torn, as I couldn't, in good conscience, take everyone's "good advice" as gospel truth. This unsolicited advice (some was fun, other was well, not cool at all) really cut into my daily reading fix on the morning bus to work, as everyone had something to say and kept me from my novels!!! The nerve! ;o)
hahaaa, this was so good, it's positively hilarious, witty, sarcastic, delicious. say, have you ever thought about sending in this article to your local weekly? i know, I would definitely want to read an article like this :)