Smart words
I read parts of Andrea J. Buchanan's book Mother Shock and found it to be very accurate in the description of new motherhood. I read her blog on and off and came up this recent entry. Just what I was thinking...
Posted at 03:48 PM on September 16, 2004It's not a dog, it's a monster.
Some people think pet abuse is a problem. The poor defenseless animals are being tortured and mistreated by reckless, heartless owners. Hardly anyone talks about the abuse owners suffer at the paws of their pets. Digby, for example, has the daily terror down pat. He knows just what to do. His evil instinct is dead-on. I'm quite confident, that he has studied us and he must have some secret notes in his kennel and at night, when we thought he was sleeping, he was scheming and came up with several no-fail-torture-methods to use whenever it is necessary... which means whenever he wants! I am on to him though and one day I will destroy his evil empire and all his little torture tools and he will KNOW WHO IS BOSS at all times. In the meantime you should know what happens to us on a daily basis. I hope when you are done reading you will be ready to pick up the phone and call your congressman to put an end to this atrocity.
- The "I-won't-pee-trick":
When the owner takes you out to pee or poop, especially after you haven't been for several hours and they think it's time, don't do it, but make them think you will. Traipse around like you have to go, squat a little, walk back and forth in a squat, then stretch out again and sniff like you're looking for the right spot. Now and then give the owner a confident glance (use the puppy eyes, they are suckers for the puppy eyes), then keep sniffing and walking back and forth. After a while start pacing a little faster and decrease your radius to about two feet, squat again but don't pee. This will be hard since you really do have to go, but believe me your owner's angry and frustrated face will be a great reward for all the effort. Do it over and over until the owner can't take it anymore (great fun!) and takes you back in. The next step is...
- Let me out, I need to pee (NOT!).
... since you didn't do anything when you were supposed to, your owner believes you will need to go again soon. They are scared you might pee on the carpet. A few minutes after you were brought in, start barking at the door like you want to go out again. The owner will get the leash, and now you have two choices: repeat the first trick (I won't pee...) OR run away from the leash and make the owner chase you around the table. SO.MUCH.FUN. !!!
- Small steps blackmail.
If you need attention and you are not getting it that very moment, you have also two options: One, grab an object you know you are not allowed to take and chew the crap out of it. You gotta be quick because they'll want to come get you so you need to do the maximum damage in the minimum time. (The same is to be applied to stealing food from the table: swallow it if you must but time is essential!). This will work every time! Make them race you... wheee!!!
- One word: Bark.
You want attention, bark. But. You need to find that special kind of bark. The one that is alarming, but steady. Find the right level and the right tone, then pick the interval and keep at it. Do not stop. Make it slightly panicky and raise the intensity if you need to. Slowly. Don't run around or give them any hints. Just position yourself and bark.bark.bark.bark.bark.bark... Watch them squirm... ha ha ha. UAAH HA HA HA HA!!!
Are you scared yet? You should be.
The Apprentice
It's fascinating how the allegedly smartest, most accomplished and most successful people are asked to prove themselves worthy almost exclusively by who can asskiss better. Asskissing - the sign of great confidence and integrity. Unfortunately that is a realistic part of this show.
Posted at 09:28 AM on September 10, 2004 | Comments (2)Don't tell me
How is one supposed to deal with the news being a parent and all? I was never very capable of taking in a lot of gruesome information, be it fictional or real, but being a parent really did me in. I have zero capacity to hear about suffering and death, let alone when it involves children. I am trying not read about the tragedy in Russia but at this point, just knowing about it, is too much. It is all so frustrating. There is only so much one can take until you think you have to go and do something. But there is never anything you can do. We are concerned and shocked and then... on to the next catastrophe.
It's a conflict you have to live in all the time. I need all the hopeful and nurturing and positive feelings to raise a child, but I am supposed to acknowledge the fact that lots of hopeful, nurturing and positive things are being purposely destroyed on a daily basis. There is no way to unite these two things. I have a completely dependent little girl sleeping in the other room and my choice is clear. I have to live my life as if there is no cloud in the sky and it never will be. I might as well be racing towards a cliff. Who knows. I can't be scared either. Fear is toxic. So... I just ignore it all. If I don't see it, it's not there. The future is bright and happy and safe. Right? Right.
Posted at 02:41 PM on September 08, 2004 | Comments (1)