Cheesy reminiscing and feeling old
A few weeks ago Dave Chappelle organized this block party in Brooklyn where he got a bunch of his favorite artists together to perform for free on the street. One of the acts were the Fugees, a group that no longer performs together but somehow decided to do it for just this one event. I've been a fan of Lauryn Hill, the singer of the group, for about..., well, since the Fugees became famous, but actually when she released her first solo album. I don't know exactly what it was that made me like her so much, a lot of things... The perfect combination of voice, beat, music and story. The album was called "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" and at that time I didn't realize that miseducation was fitting my life perfectly, which is what happens a lot: you realize what you have been going through only when it's behind you. I remember her saying that it represented all the things you learned outside of school, things that couldn't be taught, like how to live life and who to be in the world. The album is full of songs about love and disappointment and betrayal and truth and it seemed to just nail so many feelings I had that I was addicted to listening to it, just because it was so incredible that someone seemed to not only be going through the same things but also drawing the same conclusions.
There is the song about growing up believing that people are good and that it is a good thing to respect people, who were here before you, only to wake up one day and realize that you were lied to and that most people who "made" it do not deserve it one bit. Oh the waking up was painful for me. It was that guy, who decided to omit the little fact that he had a girlfriend "to give himself the chance to get to know me", then a few people who asked for money and disappeared forever, the devoted friends who turned into less than acquaintances in less than 5 minutes, then the first boss who tried his best to make me believe that I really did not deserve to be paid and the second boss who was even better at it... and all the people, who fit the description of the ruthless dog-eat-dog-stereotype. I'm sure it sounds quite cliche - the end of innocence, the girl-meets-world-story... but for me it was crucial. I had to make the step from doing things because I was taught to do them or because they were expected of me, to doing things because I wanted them regardless of expectations and reactions. Learning to pick yourself up, finding the confidence to stand up to people, who in the business logic of things are supposed to be above you and ultimately acquiring the ability to not be nice but truthful when necessary- it was the hardest class and the ultimate exam and I had a whole CD to tell me about it.
And then there was the song about wanting to love someone and knowing that it won't work and twisting things and bending yourself in order to make the situation look straight and making yourself think it was a good thing because, after all, you invested so much. And then the other one about those first moments of being in love when it's right... which I didn't know much about at first. At first.
I loved that album. So I put it in the other day again and it was like revisiting that time, when you had to pick your paths in life, when the safe surroundings of school and family were gone and all the important stuff was decided. It was nice - obviously memories gloss over everything - to have music to remember those crucial times with. People like to smile at young people going through "all this drama" and I guess can see why. Once you get a little bit of a distance it all seems a little much, but if I'm honest I have to say without it I wouldn't be who I am. And as I listen I even miss it a little... not that I don't have drama anymore, but it's quite different. I had to find stability so that I can endure other parts of my life going crazy (one word: motherhood). Now is the time when I have the chance to make reality of the things I chose back then, and already now it's more than I could hope for. But sometimes it's good to go back to the time everything was still open and unknown. It helps put the presence in perspective.
There is a picture from the block party of Lauryn Hill performing with her "old" group and I can't help but imagine how she's feeling... what it's like to go back to singing those songs from the place in life she is now. I wish she released another hip hop album of more personal nature (her second album was more singer-songwriter style with more theory than story) - I'd like to believe we would have something in common. Maybe not. Anyway, I miss her.
