Shhh... Quiet!
Some of you might remember how we first welcomed Digby into our lives and shortly thereafter kicked him out the door, uhm, no, but almost kicked him out the door because he was the most hyper puppy ever and we could not believe what we got ourselves into. You also might recall we tried really really hard to domesticate him and even tried to teach him doglike obedience like sitting down when told "sit" and things therelike. We were successful... generally (a very generous generally), but little did we know that all you have to do is move and/or wait until your dog turns two years old. Then this is what happens:
Posted at 07:45 AM on November 30, 2004 | Comments (1)Chocolate Cake!
Last Saturday was my birthday, I turned 29 (not 30, Phillip Souzek!). I don't have any deep thoughts on this event, but I will tell you about that day. Lincoln took me to brunch at "Tavern on the Green" and we ate and ate while Veronika was successfully babysat by cousin Katie and her husband Tim in the West Village! It was a very stylish day in every aspect. Even Veronika wore her special skirt. There is just nothing like being surprised by your husband on your birthday and then taken to a fancy place to eat and then served delicious chocolate chocolate cake at the end (one you didn't make yourself) and then being offered to take the rest of the cake home! It was one of my favoritest birthdays. It's not at all bad to live so close to New York City, I conclude.
I was told by one of my two family members (it was not Veronika) that I always write how horrible my life is. I suppose that's true in some ways, but this site is just such a perfect outlet. More often than not I take it all out on this computer and after I've complained and dwelled on my misery I get up and feel a lot better. Granted nobody sees that usually and so it might seem to some that I'm unhappy a lot. And although I don't think I need to prove that this is not true, I will nevertheless.
I was just thinking in the last few days that inspite of my struggles with Veronika's developmental pains I am in a really good stage right now. The initial shock of motherhood, the exhaustion and disbelief have passed and I have reached a point where I can enjoy being a mother and even be easily replaced for several hours. More than two hours, a lot more! I even started a part-time job on Sunday (I work at this store store on some nights and weekends and so far it's going very well.) while my daughter and her father spend some happy times together. I'm not saying I'm happy because I finally don't have to spend time with Veronika but I do notice that it helps me keep my life in perspective without interfering with my main job, which is to raise my baby. And I have to say I love doing that. I melt on a daily basis watching her being Veronika. She refuses to repeat words after me but instead "speaks" her own language with gestures and intonation and all. She hands me things accompanied with an important look and an incomprehensible sentence, which I always understand as "I need more kisses!"or "Tickle my chin" or "I am so cute and you can't take it!" I want to find a way to describe how happy she makes me but it's not really possible. I guess the best moments are when she decides to give me a kiss (when I leave or when she is falling asleep or just because, in the middle of the day) and she purses her lips and leans into me... oh I get all giddy...
Anyway where was I? Right, perspective. Turns out, my husband again put his finger on the... the... thing (I don't know how this phrase ends.) The thing is that there are days when I lose perspective. I feel overwhelmed and fear that being a full-time mother will suck the life out of me. I get scared that I will have to surrender everything and I won't know who I am anymore. I will shrink into a little generic person completely empty on the inside. Obviously this doesn't make sense but on many days I can't seem to pull myself out of it. That's when the husband steps in and puts things back into place. Unfortunately he often has to put up with some attitude on my part as I slowly allow myself to admit that maybe things are not all that bad. I am sorry for that, but I suppose that's part of the whole marriage thing. The wife being crabby while the husband puts up with it in silence, I mean. That and keeping a steady supply of chocolate in your wife's life.
Posted at 01:44 PM on November 22, 2004 | Comments (5)The Beginning Of The End... of Me.
I have been doing better since we first moved here as far as my motivation and my cope-ability is concerned. Veronika still doesn't use more words, but she communicates quite a lot with self-invented signs, pointing... and whining. So we are doing well, we go out and meet people and run errands and play and enjoy each other except... for the whining. There are many days in a row where I think things are going well, I can do this, it's not that hard, until I end up completely burnt out with my mind so blank you could probably see through it. I know this is a stage, but please... STOP THE WHINING!!! The way she "communicates" want is by crying and moaning and more crying and if the desired thing is not within her reach or on the screen or in her hand immediately she will continue until it's there. Obviously I can never be as fast, nor do I attempt to be and so I hear this sound on and off all day until my head is void of any sense of normal.
Professional advice suggests "talking to your child calmly" until they one day "realize there is no need to cry for things". Moms suggest not to "give in" because it just teaches them that whining works. Look, my baby is only 15 months old. She doesn't understand complex sentences and explanations, nor does she understand disciplinary measures. She knows when she can't do something - for now that's all the discipline I can do: remove her from things or deny her things, but the WHY behind it all she doesn't know. This is the thing that all the smart books lack, because there is no easy fix: how do you bear it all? Sometimes I hide. In a two-story-house, I can be upstairs, while she is downstairs. I read some emails and pretend that I'm on a "break". Sometimes I go into the other room and scream. I don't do that too much because I know she hears it either way and screaming... could cause more whining! Sometimes I pretend I'm someone else in my head, who says helpful things like "Wow, you are amazing! I can't believe you do this every day! You totally deserve being waited on hand and foot for the rest of your life!"
Why are children designed this way? It seems their development is directly linked to the loss of sanity on their parents' part. I don't think I'm one to give up easily, someone who can't get their hands dirty and their crap together when things get rough. After all I pushed this 8lbs-6oz-baby out for 3 hours after 40 hours of labor. If I don't know tough I don't know who does! Yet all this noise will make me lose it on a daily basis.
Several times in the last few weeks I would catch Veronika trying to connect two blocks or trying to push her stroller blocked by an obstacle and she would try and try and it wouldn't work and she would get so frustrated that she'd shake the blocks and rattle the stroller out of sheer anger and start crying and throwing away whatever didn't comply with her wishes and screaam! That's when I would have loved to grab her, look her in the eye and say: "This! This is how you make me feel EVERY DAY!!! Do you see how crazy this is? Have some compassion, let's call a truce, let's give each other some space and please, PLEASE stop the insanity!" But I know, if I did, she would give me a confused look that would soon turn into a grin as she realized that my face was close enough for her to poke my cheeks, because when you do that to your mom, she makes a funny noise with her mouth... And so. I play along and automatically, like a well-trained mom, I do whatever it takes to keep her happy and give myself another 5 minutes of whine-free time. Ultimately though, this constant conflict management that never resolves anything but is based entirely on distraction gets to me. I'm not sure if you got the jist of this post, IT GETS TO ME!
I need a vacation, because it gets worse before it gets better.
Posted at 12:24 PM on November 19, 2004 | Comments (3)My dreams have come true!
Digby, the cat.
Posted at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2004Autumn you can eat
I made the following recipe recently (from Cooking Light of course) and even my husband liked it what with his apprehension towards squash. I used chicken for the croquettes because I didn't have turkey and it was just as good. For some European readers, who can't find a translation (I couldnt') for butternut squash here is a picture.
Roasted Squash Soup with Turkey Croquettes
Soup:
2 lbs butternut squash, kabocha squash or pumpkin
1 tbsp honey
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
1 tsp oil
3/4 cup finely chopped onion
1/2 cup finely chopped carrot
1/4 cup finely chopped celery
3 garlic cloves
4 cups chicken broth
1 cup milk
1/4 tsp salt
Croquettes:
2 cups leftover cooked turkey, finely chopped
1 3/4 cups breadcrumbs, divided
2 tbsp milk
1 1/2 tsps chopped sage (replace with dried if you don't have fresh available)
1/2 tsp salt
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 egg white
2 1/2 tbsps oil, divided
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. To prepare soup, cut squash in half lengthwise. Discard seeds and membrane. Place squash, cut-sides up, on a foil-lined baking sheet. Drizzle with honey, sprinkle with 1/4 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Bake at 400 degrees for 1 hour or until tender; cool. Scoop out squash with a spoon, discard skin.
3. Heat 1 teaspoon oil in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Add onion, carrot, celery and garlic; saute 10 minutes until tender. Remove 3/4 cup vegetables, set aside. Add broth to pan, cook over medium heat 12 minutes. Stir in squash. Reduce heat, simmer 15 minutes. Place soup in food processor; process until smooth. Add 1 cup milk, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and a dash of pepper, set aside.
4. To prepare croquettes, combine reserved vegetables, turkey, 1/4 cup breadcrumbs and next 6 ingredients (1/4 cup crumbs through egg white). Cover and refrigerate 30 minutes or until firm. Shape into 12 (1-inch-thick) patties, press 1 1/2 cups breadcrumbs onto patties.
5. Heat oil in a non-stick skillet over medium heat. Add 6 patties to pan, cook 3 minutes on each side or until golden brown. Remove croquettes from pan, keep warm. Repeat procedure with remaining oil and patties.
6. Reheat soup. Divide evenly among 6 bowls, top with croquettes. Garnish with freshsage leaves, if desired. Yield: 4 servings.
Like a catalog...
Starting last year we have this tradition of posting a special fall photo album, where you can see us being stylish and rugged wandering fields and woods spontaneously posing for pictures. Anyway, the adoration and celebration of fall in our household increases every year thanks to my husband and I'm not sure how far we will have to go in the coming years. Professional photo shoots perhaps, ancient harvest rituals, a corps de ballet at the head of our procession through the woods... with Lincoln you just never know!
Click here for the annual autumn photo album.
Posted at 08:18 PM on November 14, 2004 | Comments (2)Who wrote that stuff in German?! Posted at 09:17 PM on November 08, 2004
Also, was ich noch sagen wollte...
Ich habe das Thema Politik und Wahlen absichtlich gemieden, weil die Gefuehle auf beiden Seiten des Spektrum so hochgelaufen sind, dass ich mir sicher war ich wuerde wen beleidigen und eventuell eine Diskussion in den Kommentaren starten und das wollte ich nicht. Die allgemeine Stimmung vor den Wahlen war nur davon gepraegt: das gegenseitige Niedermachen und Durch-den-Kakao-ziehen, es war wirklich kaum ertraeglich. Trotzdem hat es mich einige Ueberwindung gekostet, nichts zu schreiben, weil ueberraschenderweise hatte ich auch eine Meinung und die musste ich doch jemandem aufdraengen.
Es soll auf Deutsch sein... weil ich mich trotz erfolgreicher Akklimatisierung immer noch als Europaeerin sehe und vor allem bei diesen Wahlen gemerkt habe, dass ich den Amerikanischen Zugang zu Politik und nationaler Identitaet ueberhaupt nicht verstehe. Gut, vielleicht verstehe ich ihn, aber das Nachvollziehen ist unmoeglich. (Dies ist kein objektiver Artikel, sondern nur meine Meinung.)
Ich bin vom Wahlergebnis enttaeuscht. Nicht so sehr weil ich Kerry sehr kompetent oder aufrichtig fand, sondern weil ich weiss, welche Ansichten Bush zur Wiederwahl verholfen haben. Ich habe 4 Jahre lang in einer Kleinstadt in Indiana gelebt, die fast zur Gaenze Republikanisch ist. Vereinfacht gesagt: fast 70% sind regelmaessige Kirchenbesucher (hauptsaechlich Protestantisch), konservativ in ihren Ansichten, besonders was die Hautfarbe betrifft, entschieden gegen Steuern und gegen staatliches "Einmischen" - besonders was Soziales betrifft, Befuerworter der Todesstrafe und vor allem grosse Patrioten. (Natuerlich ist das eine schlampige Vereinfachung, aber ich habe auch nicht vor, einen Diskurs ueber die politischen Parteien der USA zu fuehren. All das ist nachlesbar.)
Fuer mich hat sich die Republikanische Sicht der Dinge sehr schnell als komplett fremd herausgestellt. Die Ansicht, dass die beste Organisation der Wirtschaft auf der simplen Ideologie "Der Staerkste gewinnt" beruhen soll mit dem ziemlich unversteckten Selbstverstaendnis, dass auf die Weise sowieso nur faule Nichtsnuetzer aussortiert werden, war fuer mich eher ein Schock. Ich bin ja aus Oesterreich, wo "Beihilfe" zum normalen Wortschatz dazugehoert. Bush ist nicht einmal moderat in dieser Hinsicht. Er hat Steuern gesenkt im Sinne der "Trickle-down-economics" (- Den Reichen helfen heisst den Armen helfen) und Sozialleistungen gekuerzt - damit die Armen endlich auf Jobsuche gehen! Angeblich wird so der "American Dream" gewahrt, weil dann jeder die Chance hat, sich aus dem Nichts in einen Millionaer zu verwandeln. Offensichtlich muss es dann in jedermanns Interesse sein, so nahe wie moeglich dem Nichts zu bleiben...
Was mich aber an der (ueberwiegend) Republikanischen Haltung am meisten stoert ist ... natuerlich der Patriotismus. Es ist ein Vergleich mit anderen Laendern oft schwer moeglich, dadurch dass "Amerika" fuer viele eine Idee repraesentiert und nicht nur eine gemeinsame Geschichte. Das ist natuerlich ein gutes Argument und ich kann bis zu einem gewissen Grad diesen Enthusiasmus verstehen - solange er im Kontext der rechtlosen Immigranten aufkommt, - denen die Amerikanischen Idee das Leben gerettet hat. Leider ist das aber meistens gar nicht der Fall. Es schreien immer die am meisten nach "American freedom", die nie etwas anderes gekannt haben. Es ist nicht ueberraschend, dass Schwarze meistens nicht Republikanisch waehlen... Fuer mich ist das Ganze irrsinnig heuchlerisch. In Amerika existiert die fatale Mischung von kompletter Unwissenheit* und perfekter Propaganda. Wann immer ein grobes Problem im Land aufgezeigt wird, findet sich wer der dann sofort kontert mit so etwas wie: "Wir muessen aber bedenken, dass trotz allem Amerika das beste Land der Welt ist. Wir sind alle sehr froh und stolz Amerikaner zu sein. So viele Menschen aus aller Welt waeren gerne Amerikaner!" Und! Das wird als ein wichtiger, wenn nicht DER wichtigste Beitrag zur Diskussion angesehen. Es ist unglaublich wie leicht es geht, ganze Menschenmengen damit von der eigentlichen Sache abzulenken. Bush hat diese Methode perfektioniert, vor allem in den Pressekonferenzen. Jede Antwort (vor allem zu unangenehmen Fragen ueber Irak) wird aus einer eleganten Kombination aus den Worten "freedom", "american people" und "rights" gebildet und falls von den Journalisten weitergebohrt wird, dann wird mit ein bisschen Umschweife erklaert, dass man dem Praesidenten vertrauen muss.
Fuer mich repraesentiert Bush den selbstgerechten "Christen", fuer den die Dinge einfach liegen und wenns nicht anders geht, einfach gemacht werden muessen. Die Guten duerfen sich vor dem Boesen schuetzen, weil die Boesen kommen in die Hoelle, insofern ist die Todestrafe und der Krieg immer gerechtfertigt (da hilft man ja Gott mit der Aufraeumarbeit). Er sieht sich als einer von den Guten und die einzelnen Buerger muessen die Details nicht wissen, sondern sollen ihm vertrauen, weil er ja der Gute ist. Ich weiss nicht ob ich diese Einstellung nicht fast schlimmer finde als den falschen und hinterfotzigen "Katholizismus" des John Kerry. Fuer die meisten Katholiken war Bush der klare Kandidat - weil er gegen die Abtreibung ist. Die Bischoefe haben sich sogar indirekt fuer die Republikanische Seite ausgesprochen. Es ist verstaendlich einerseits und ich weiss nicht, wie ich gewaehlt haette, aber ich stimme ihrem Argument, dass der Krieg seine Wurzeln in der Abtreibung hat, nicht ganz zu. Fuer mich hat die relativ schnelle Bereitschaft zum Krieg in den USA eher mit der Todesstrafe was zu tun. Die Boesen werden leicht identifiziert, von da an muss man nur mehr den Revolver ziehen. Es war schrecklich frustrierend fuer mich, so viele Katholiken in absoluter Verliebtheit von Bush zu schwaermen. Ich finde nichts, aber auch gar nichts Christliches an der Philosophie der Republikanischen Partei. Es mag zwar stimmen, das vielleicht Bush mehr gegen Abtreibung tun wird als Kerry, aber er ueberzeugt mich nicht als ein Kaempfer fuer die Schwachen. Ich haette verstanden, wenn man als Katholik Bush als kleineres Uebel sieht - aber immer noch als UEBEL -, aber enthusiastische Unterstuetzung? Man glaubt irgendwie, man wird unter Katholiken Gleichgesinnte finden, weil die Weltsicht doch aehnlich sein muesste - und dann findet man heraus, dass die nationale Zugehoerigkeit doch Vorrang hat.
Kerry hatte wohl nie eine Chance. Persoenlichkeitsmaessig war er immer schwaecher, aber seine Bereitschaft, Farbe zu wechseln um sich beliebt zu machen hat die Niederlage zementiert. Ich stimme mit Kerry in meisten Dingen nicht ueberein, aber als Europeaerin ist fuer mich in der Republikanischen Welt ueberhaupt kein Platz. Ich habe mir einiges anhoeren muessen, wie ich nicht mitreden kann, weil ich ja nicht von hier bin und weil mir ja offensichtlich das Amerikanische Volk ueberhaupt nicht am Herzen liegt. und ueberhaupt bin ich ein iloyaler Pazifist (!). Es ist fuer mich immer wieder, sogar nach fast fuenf Jahren, unbegreiflich was fuer eine Froschperspektive viele Amerikaner haben, was den Rest der Welt betrifft. Ich wuenschte es waere wirklich nur ein Klischee, aber es ist leider wahr. Es gibt natuerlich genug Amerikaner, die nicht so sind, aber bei so vielen Millionen von Menschen ist auch 55% sehr sehr viel. Einerseits habe ich eingesehen, dass man als Europaeer die Amerikanische Situation schwer verstehen kann, weil Amerika einfach SO GROSS ist und das einen entscheidenden Einfluss auf die Dynamik des Landes und der Politik hat. Wenn man Oesterreichs Einwohnerschaft hundert mal vergroessert aber genau die gleichen Proportionen von Einkommen und Bildungstufen beibehaelt, wuerden sich sicher aehnliche Probleme entwickeln - auch wenn das sicher niemand zugeben wuerde. Andererseits habe ich doch nur beschraenkt Verstaendnis fuer Engstirnigkeit, weil ich finde, wenn man so viel Macht hat, MUSS man einfach informiert sein.
Ich habe leider zu viele Menschen persoenlich kennengelernt, denen Bush aus der Seele spricht. Fuer sie gilt: "Amerikanische Interessen sind an erster Stelle" - und die Tatsache, dass die Welt viel komplizierter ist und dass man mit dieser Einstellung sich selber das sichere Grab schafft, ist fuer sie "liberale" und "unamerican" (die groesste Suende!) Propaganda.
Wir haben vor kurzem diesen (ausgezeichneten) Film angeschaut, ueber Robert McNamara, dem U.S. Aussenminister waehrend des Vietnamkrieges. In der Dokumentation legt er elf Lehren dar, die er aus seiner politischen Erfahrung gezogen hat, vor allem im Kriegfuehren. Fast alle (ALLE!) stehen im genauen Gegensatz zu den politischen Entscheidungen von G.W. Leider werden sich den Film nicht viele anschauen, wie immer. Leute wie Michael Moore haben eine besere Publicitymaschine... aber ehrliche Berichterstattung ist ja eh fad.
*Kurz vor Veronika's Geburt fragt mich die Krankenschwester, woher ich komme. "Vienna" sag ich. Und sie:"Oh, is that the one with the boats?"
I am tired
Somehow I never post as often as I would like. I apologize, reader 1 and reader 2 AND READER 3. I'm always busy with some logistical stuff, which is important I guess, but doesn't really amount to anything interesting or surprising.
I recently joined the YMCA in Danbury and am very disappointed after only a few weeks. I should've known, since the membership fee is really low and the staff is really unfriendly and... most of all Veronika REALLY hates the babysitting room. To be honest, I understand. There is this lady "Alba" and Alba is nice but looks a little scary... I don't want to go into details because it would be hurtful although Alba won't read this but still. Let's just say, her eyes are weird and she is big and loud. She considers herself very competent with children and one of her main tricks to calm them down is to pull a big shiny toy and shake it in front of the child's face while she yells in a sing-sang "ooooooh munequita, munequitaaaaaaaaaaaaa... lindaaaaaaa". (Alba speaks only Spanish.) Everytime we enter the room and Veronika sees her she gets all stiff and grabs my clothes and starts crying in panic. And Alba gets all giddy and grabs a toy and starts going towards her with her signature yell. I successfully avoid her and then set Veronika down to distract her with a book or a puzzle. But I have to leave and as Alba picks her up, guiltridden I tell myself Veronika will survive Alba for 20 minutes (I never work out longer, it would be a luxury - a mortal sin for mothers.).
Veronika doesn't like to be held by strangers - until she stops considering them strangers, and until then, she will be fine on her own, thank you. I suggested that to Alba before: "Maybe it's better not to hold her... I think she prefers not to be cuddled..." The first time Alba just gave me a sign to leave quickly and grabbed her in complete disregard of my suggestion. Well, every time I return, the first thing from Alba's mouth is: "She didn't want to be held!" Uh, yeah lady, I told you so. And so, every week, about 2-3 times I leave and mention that my daughter prefers to entertain herself with toys until I come back rather than be held (by scary loud women) and still Alba sets out to hold her as she cries and upon my return exclaims: "She doesn't like to be held!" - while my daughter is quietly eating her cheerios... BY HERSELF.
So, apart from the bad exercising equipment and the bad babysitting conditions I was ready to stick with that particular Y branch (because I'm cheap) only to find out that they are cancelling the babysitting altogether and offering a 90-minute-child-play-class instead, which they want $36 for now. Boughton Street YMCA, I have words for you, which I will not make public here, but they are not friendly. They're just about as friendly as your 19-year-old-receptionist. So now, I will have to switch to the Y in Brookfield... which better not disappoint me. There is another fitness center I love but they want about $100 a month from me, which I don't have and am not really sure they deserve. Even though they really have wonderful treadmills.
In other news... I recently found out there is such a thing as a "night nanny", whose services are used by affluent parents in Manhattan. A night nanny! That means you have a new baby and you sleep through the night on a regular basis, right away. It makes me want to cry for very opposite (from each other) reasons. Several times a day the concept will cross my mind and I'd have to say it whisper "night nanny" to myself... that's how unbelievable it sounds.
Also, did you notice how conspicously I have avoided politics and the upcoming elections? In spite of all the opinions I have? It should all be over tomorrow. Or not.
Posted at 01:16 PM on November 01, 2004 | Comments (5)