Something serious until I regain my wit.
I'm sorry about the long break, Veronika was being cute, so I was distracted.
Anyway, a friend and I were talking about how now that we are married and have children we both wish we were living closer to family. Somehow it seemed to escape us what it was that pushed us to leave home when we were younger. Only when I thought about it more, I remembered that actually none of the reasons really escape me. It is very unlikely I'd be where I am today if I had never really left home until I got married. "Duh" will the Americans say, but you must remember I grew up in Europe where it is not automatic one "leaves" for college but quite common to go to college in your hometown or the one closest to home. It's not a great idea, I admit, but that's how it is. So eventually I decided to apply for a scholarship and study abroad. I was a Spanish major, so leaving wasn't the only reason to spend a year in Madrid, but it was a big part of it. I just knew I had to live a large chunk of time outside of the roles that were assigned to me in my family. They weren't wrong but I didn't really know who I was besides that. Or maybe I had an idea but there was no way to test it.
The time in Spain was really good and really bad for all kinds of reasons but really the most important part was to not have to have your opinions and actions measured against the common consensus of your home. I found it very difficult to really have a personal opinion that I could claim completely my own while living with my parents. Maybe some people didn't have trouble with that. I did. And I think at some point that really scared me. How would I be able to really have an honest experience if it was always filtered through what I have been taught to experience?
Obviously I don't have the parent's experience yet, so I don't know what it feels like to let your children go. Still, I know one of the things I want to teach Veronika one day is that knowing yourself really well is one of the most important things you need in life. Yes, you need guidance, but you also need to test things on your own. You need to do stupid things and you need to do them when nobody is around to tell you how stupid they are. You need to hang out with lots of different people, also those who are supposedly "very bad" for you. I found a lot of determination and a lot of direction in the midst of what looked like a big mess on the outside. I want my daughter to have that thrill of finding out who she is and what she wants and what she doesn't want independently of what I think or dream for her. I suppose that might be painful for me, but I really hope I don't forget my own experience by the time she is grown up and remember that it's necessary for her to leave in order to be able to want to come back.
" I want my daughter to have that thrill of finding out she is and what she wants and what she doesn't want independently of what I think or dream for her"
Everything you wrote I can agree with so heartily. I am realizing part of being a parent is letting go, letting my daughter be HER own person. This is scary for me, I want to protect her, keep her away from others and hide her from things. But I realize that that is so incredibly selfish and wrong, she needs to discover herself, not what my idea of how she should be. Okay she is only like 4 months old, but I watched Mean Girls and it made me think about this a whole lot.
Also you are doing excersise tapes now also? They are such a blessing for me, let me know if you come accross any you like. If want to borrow some of mine, let me know. I have a Thrift Store next to me, and I have picked up more than I need. I recently discovered Cathe Friedrich makes the BEST aerobic tapes. I am becoming quite the conisure of video fitness tapes these days. Now I just wish all this exercising would actually help me get my pre-baby body back--(sigh)
--sorry for going on and on..........
Very well said. What you want for your DD is exactly what I want for my DD too!
I want her to grow up to be a strong and independent person. I try to let her have as many new experiences as possible. I encourage her to speak her mind, and that just because I am her mother, does not mean that she has to agree with everything that I believe in.
Well said! Even though working as a study abroad advisor at a university makes me, ahem, perhaps a little biased about your astute comments on the value of overseas study. We always remind students that the best way to learn about oneself is to leave one's comfort zone, enter a new world, to figure out what you like/dislike, and what makes you "you."
The time in Spain was really good and really bad for all kinds of reasons but really the most important part was to not have to have your opinions and actions measured against the common consensus of your home. I found it very difficult to really have a personal opinion that I could claim completely my own while living with my parents.
I told my oldest brother when he went to college that this was very important. Not that he had to disagree with Mom and Dad, but that he needed to agree (if he so chose) on his own. He didn't get it-he thought I was taking a slap at my parents.
Every now and then, my daughter will say something like "Mom, do you like Destiny's Child?" and I will say "no not really" and she will say something like "oh, well I thought their songs was OK." I have stopped and explained to her that it is OK for her to like Destiny's Child even if I don't. No two people agree on everything and somethings it is plain not important to agree on.