Not on my blog
I completely agree.
Somebody please fix me.
It's been almost 2 years now since Veronika was born and I'm beginning to wonder if life will ever stabilize. Things are going well, she is thriving (except when her mother is being irresponsible) and every day of the week we go someplace and have something to do, but still... every few weeks or days or months - it's not really regular - I have these moments (looong moments), where I'm really really down. I feel lonely and shut out and tired and I really don't want to be a mother and I wish Veronika was on vacation somewhere and therefore me as well. The thing is, that even though those meltdowns are not a permanent condition they do affect my overall attitude towards my life. I am not depressed. I just feel inadequate in a sense.
Since Veronika was born I am emotionally much more unstable and while that is understandable, it also really bothers me. I'd like to believe I used to have much more energy and focus to get up and do something about things I was struggling with. Now, all I want to do is go to sleep when I think of tackling my lack of motherly motivation. Maybe my problem is general lack of rest (not just the sleeping kind) and since combatting a problem involves more action and therefore energy I don't have, I just can't help myself.
I look around and I see some moms complaining about the same things, but then again I keep thinking it's just me, who can't make peace with things being the way they are. I know I'm repeating myself, but it really sucks not having any sort of grading system or progress indicator when you are a mother. It's like I'm just wading around trying to survive and do the best I can and at the end of the day I'm left wondering. Occasionally I try to tell myself that I did something well or I look at Veronika and point out all the positive things to my self-doubt, like: she is happy, she learns quick, she loves to play, she seems relaxed and confident and healthy. The regular but temporary wishes to just leave and take a long beach vacation are not damaging to her. Obviously I am doing things ok, I must be. But then, why am I not FEELING it on a regular basis? Look at how far you've come, I say to myself. And I do, but it doesn't fill me with palpable satisfaction.
Motherhood is just a giant fog*, frustrating and isolating. I also find it increasingly unjust how it's in everybody's interest that my child grows up to be a decent human being, doesn't hurt anybody and makes lots of money for taxes, but when it comes to making that happen it's just on me. Yes, I'm a whiny brat and I can't suck it up and I obviously don't see how lucky I am. Now what.
*You are witnessing impressive new levels of metaphor-making.
Posted at 08:30 PM on March 23, 2005 | Comments (6)Breathe
Last Saturday Lincoln and I went out! We had a small dinner at a nice local restaurant and then we went to see Sideways in the theater! The exclamation can't do justice the excitement I felt. Mostly because we have finally become those boring married people with kids, who now call "dates" what exciting married people call "spending time together". Basically we have to call it a special name because it is just such a special occasion. So anyway, I was excited and almost nervous. There is a certain pressure to have a really good time and be really aware of it, because you don't know when will be the next time you can do this again, even though your daughter is old enough and you can get a sitter to sit on the couch while she is asleep. It just seemed too good to be true.
To continue this stereotype laden post, I have to say it took me a while to relax. The "date" went very well, we talked and we had some good food and we enjoyed the movie, but see, I have a tendency to not let myself be too happy. It's similar to when you work out and you do your sets of exercises and you don't want to take too long of a break inbetween because you might enjoy the non-contracting of the muscles too much so that you start wondering why you were contracting them in the first place and then going back to the exercise just seems too unappealing and hard and you don't want to do it and now you have to deal not only with the agony of the workout itself, you have the agony of thinking about the whys and the hows of it too. So I have this mechanism in me that tells me I need to keep running at all times. I can't really stop and fully relax because I know I need to go back to work eventually, so better not get too happy. The next step then is to constantly long for some rest and turn slightly bitter and always look at the worse side of things and find some weird sort of validation in the fact that things are hard for me. I have a good guess why I am this way and I also have a good guess how not to do it, but you know, it's one of those things that get a hold of you and all of a sudden you turn into this trapped little rabbit staring at the snake (metaphor curtesy of my former translation professor at the University of Vienna)... I always thought how all you need to do is DO something and while that is true, you need some sort of first stepping stone for this. You need something or someone to snap you out of it or just a few minutes to... stop and catch your breath.
Lincoln has always been very good at this for me. And as much as I sometimes feel embarrassed that I need him to do it and embarrassed that he knows I need him to do it, I am pretty grateful and relieved he does it. I don't know what it is... probably part of that whole "he gets me"-thing. And so while we were sitting in the theater, something clicked and I could finally really relax without dreading the workload of the next day.
I have realized again, partially through being reminded by this weekend, how important taking time is, and not just half an hour here and there. You can't schedule a conversation and you can't plan closeness. We might just have to get that sitter a little more often than once a year.
Oh, and while I'm on the topic of "getting me", Lincoln will occasionally have some serious lapses in judgement, for example when he suggests things like: "Wow, they are looking for volunteers for the Bethel Film Festival. You should totally do it, that would be fun, huh?" Now, all my appreciation aside, why would he suggest ADDITIONAL work for me? Unpaid on top of it. Is it not enough I have an unpaid (in dollars) fulltime job and a paid part-time job, now I need to help some other people, for free, so they can have some fun at the movies?! And Lincoln can't understand my outrage. Why is that such a weird suggestion, he wants to know. Don't gang up on him, he meant well. He did. It's just that that's something HE wants to do. He loves me... just like himself! :)
Posted at 12:52 PM on March 15, 2005Slip, slip, slip,sliding
Summed up:
I scratched the side of the blue (the nice one) van yesterday. Well, I didn't, a brick wall did, and it was all the snow's fault, but we obviously all know given the exact same circumstances, only not with me, but my husband in the car it would not have happened, so it must have been my fault in the end anyway.
The play-by-play:
I left the house in the morning to run some errands and visit a friend yesterday. It was raining, but by the time we returned several hours later it was snowing heavily. I always think it's funny how people here freak out at the prospect of precipitation, they always call it a "snow storm", it's never just snowing. Yesterday though I guess I could see their point. The temperature fell so fast that the rain on the ground turned to ice and was then covered with brand new slippery snow... all of this took place on the very steep driveway to our townhouse complex as well and after confidently turning onto it from the road I only went about 10 yards up and then was stuck. I could not drive up! Neither could most of the cars following me. It was a funny sight at first, all of these cars trying to drive up, then going backwards to the road, trying to get some speed, try to drive up again... All the while it's snowing and snowing so hard and after I tried twice, I decided to give it one more shot and then call the complex owners. Well. I drive up and stop at about the same spot. The snow is barely 2 inches, but there is no traction whatsoever. I get the car into park but I keep moving, it is so slippery by that point that I can't even stop. The car slides and slides, while I try to get it under control and while Veronika is SCREAMING her lungs out in the backseat. She had no particular reason except for being tired and hungry and generally unhappy with me for not paying attention. I have to tell you, toddler screaming really gets to me. It hits some special place that immediately defuses any control I have over me and makes me want to SCREAM back to stop that noise. this. very. second. It's frightening and maddening, I don't know how to control it, but this scream... oh god, this scream. So anyway, there we have the car sliding backwards, grinding against the curb, then the screaming kid and then, as I'm leaving the car to enable an audible phone conversation with Lincoln, we have a car coming from the top of the very steep driveway, sliding towards me and the van. I break off the conversation and throw myself on the car, trying to hold up the car from crashing into mine! Ok, it was a small small car, but hey, I am STRONG! I hold up the car with my bare hands!
My car had come to a halt earlier already, because of that curb I mentioned. Only I still need to move out of the way. I can't drive up - that got me into the trouble in the first place, but I can't move down now either because the car is refusing to roll while rubbing against the curb. I move the wheel around and as I do, the front part of the car starts sliding to the right, so slowly my car is beginning to stand perpendicular to the road, which again encourages the sliding towards a low brick wall on the left, which is still high enough to scratch the back left side of the van down to the bare metal. Yeah, and the kid is still screaming. Two young guys from the small car I stopped with my bare hands get out and promise to help me get out of there. They push the van and I slide further to the right until I'm able to turn around completely. I drive off. MAD.
I called the complex office about 3 times after that, ready to yell and scream but I always ended up being nice. Why am I nice? They can't manage to clean the driveway on time so I wouldn't wreck my car. I should be livid. But here I am trying to be understanding. I'm so weak. So finally I decide to park by the driveway and wait for the snow plow the secretary promised. I wait and wait and wait. Veronika falls asleep in her carseat. Crap. I drive up one more time, slide down (scratchless this time) and then give up.
I ended up parking the car in some office parking right by our complex and then waking up Veronika, stuffing her into the carrier and climbing that driveway by foot. Like in ancient times. And this is America!
I confessed it all to the husband, who was sympathetic but I know he secretly firmly believes I failed somewhere along the way and had it been him, that failure would not have occurred because, well, he knows what to do in these types of situations and he doesn't lose it like I do. He is firm, clear-headed and certainly does not faint. Unfortunately you can't have the best people available at all times, so yo have to do with almost-good-enough like me and suck it up and pay for the damage later.
Sorry, baby. ;)
Posted at 02:55 PM on March 09, 2005 | Comments (1)Back
First of all, let me say that giving up my afternoon coffee & snack for lent was a bad bad idea. I NEED it. Generally sacrifices suck. Do NOT sacrifice, people. It just makes you miserable sitting on the couch craving sugar and feeling sorry for yourself. And if you couldn't post it on your website, it would be completely useless.
My parents were visiting last weekend, although my mom stayed for almost 2 weeks total. Veronika had a great time with the reaquainted baka and I think she had as well. To my shock though, it seems Veronika has gained some understanding of "leaving" and after we said goodbye to baka before she started going towards security, Veronika all of a sudden started screaming for her and yelling "no no no". I was not prepared for this. I tried to explain to her what was going on, but the cruelty of life wants it that we are always let to be smart enough to realize what's happening but never given the full picture to also understand why. You might think I was worried about my daughter's feelings but actually I was just preoccupied with my own terror about how I would ever deal with this. Yeah, kids need to grow up, but please why do I have to witness it? What do I tell her when she's old enough to ask? "Yeah, baby, life is full of disappointments and things we can't fix. Oh and yeah, I brought you into this mess well aware of those tiny little details. I would give you a brownie to make you feel better but NO! it is lent and we willingly renounce of those things right now." Oh and please, do not come to me with ridiculousities like "that's nothing compared to the real tragedies of this world." Bah! Like she really needs to know there is worse than goodbyes and no chocolate.
To distract myself from this unsolvable problem I decided it was time to get some new playstation games! I play videogames about twice a year and so far it's been one game only (Jak & Daxter) and I figured after 3 years of the same I could try another one (Jak & Daxter II). God, I am so radical. So I rent it from Blockbuster, but forget it there. I take another trip to Blockbuster to pick it up only to find out that the playstation forgot how to show the game besides just playing the sound. There is no way to make the game appear on TV. A desperate call to the career-making husband in Atlanta produces no results. He claims he can't fix things from far away. Whatever. How is it possible that in 2005 I can not drown myself in meaningless mindnumbing entertainment at the push of a button! The empty promises of this godless generation are really letting me down!
Also, I bet you wanted to know I cut my hair. When I got pregnant I thought it would be nice to have long hair again. So finally, after over two years, my hair was long but it didn't look anything like it did before. Turns out having children makes your hair flatter and darker (in my case). Add to that a funny slavic-shaped head, flat in the back framed by two corners left and right and you realize, long hair that needs to be pinned down or up does not look good on you. ME, in this case. So now I'm back to an almost-chin-length curly style and I love it. Hair is so important! It is!
Normal people would pick a good hair day to take a picture of themselves and post them online but not me, I rather choose one where I have straight-out-of-bed hair and my-neighbors-woke-me-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night hair. That's just to not distract from my radiant inner beauty shining from my grey complexion!