Somebody please fix me.
It's been almost 2 years now since Veronika was born and I'm beginning to wonder if life will ever stabilize. Things are going well, she is thriving (except when her mother is being irresponsible) and every day of the week we go someplace and have something to do, but still... every few weeks or days or months - it's not really regular - I have these moments (looong moments), where I'm really really down. I feel lonely and shut out and tired and I really don't want to be a mother and I wish Veronika was on vacation somewhere and therefore me as well. The thing is, that even though those meltdowns are not a permanent condition they do affect my overall attitude towards my life. I am not depressed. I just feel inadequate in a sense.
Since Veronika was born I am emotionally much more unstable and while that is understandable, it also really bothers me. I'd like to believe I used to have much more energy and focus to get up and do something about things I was struggling with. Now, all I want to do is go to sleep when I think of tackling my lack of motherly motivation. Maybe my problem is general lack of rest (not just the sleeping kind) and since combatting a problem involves more action and therefore energy I don't have, I just can't help myself.
I look around and I see some moms complaining about the same things, but then again I keep thinking it's just me, who can't make peace with things being the way they are. I know I'm repeating myself, but it really sucks not having any sort of grading system or progress indicator when you are a mother. It's like I'm just wading around trying to survive and do the best I can and at the end of the day I'm left wondering. Occasionally I try to tell myself that I did something well or I look at Veronika and point out all the positive things to my self-doubt, like: she is happy, she learns quick, she loves to play, she seems relaxed and confident and healthy. The regular but temporary wishes to just leave and take a long beach vacation are not damaging to her. Obviously I am doing things ok, I must be. But then, why am I not FEELING it on a regular basis? Look at how far you've come, I say to myself. And I do, but it doesn't fill me with palpable satisfaction.
Motherhood is just a giant fog*, frustrating and isolating. I also find it increasingly unjust how it's in everybody's interest that my child grows up to be a decent human being, doesn't hurt anybody and makes lots of money for taxes, but when it comes to making that happen it's just on me. Yes, I'm a whiny brat and I can't suck it up and I obviously don't see how lucky I am. Now what.
*You are witnessing impressive new levels of metaphor-making.
Posted at 08:30 PM on March 23, 2005
*hug*
I wish I could help. Of course not being a mother I really don't have any solid advice. I guess all I can say is don't be so hard on yourself, I am sure you are doing a great job. I hope you find peace.
don't worry, i assure you every moms out there, including me, feel the way you do, exactly the same way you do. i think you have to think of yourself and not feel guilty about it. you have to reconnect with yourself. it took me 30 months to get comfortable in my skin as a mom and enjoy my kids. hang in there! you're doing great!
I happened upon your site (via an oboe connection on your husband's page). I'm a mom of 3. They are older now (15, nearly 20, 22), but I remember the young child stage. I was very tired. I was not happy. It was stressful.
It gets better.
Sometimes it gets worse, too.
But mostly it gets better.
You lose your life for a while. You get it back. Honest & True.
I so identify with what you say here. It is so hard when they are this young (and I'm sure when they are older it's different aspects of it that are challenging...) I remember reading a post here a few months ago about how happy you were being a mom to Veronika, all the adorable things she does and the person she is becoming (okay, it was a long time ago so I don't remember exactly what you said, but it was along those lines.) And I thought about how hard it was when my son was that age, more or less-- every day was so frustrating and exhausting and way too long. Now he has calmed down a bit (a bit!) and can communicate a bit more and is somewhat easier to deal with, but it's still a challenge. There are wonderful moments, of course, and he is wonderful in so many ways, but there are still lots of moments when I feel like tearing my hair out, or am bored to tears, and how horrible is that-- being bored by your own child? And then there's all the guilt-- it would be so much easier if only I would XXXX instead of what I'm doing now, but who has the energy?
As far as a grading system, I was thinking about that the other day, just for fun, trying to grade myself on different aspects of the job, but it was too depressing.
I don't have any answers for you (obviously) but I do think it will get better. Won't it?
Well said, Kate.
My dd's 5 now and it is just so lovely. But I'm obsessed by those toddler days. They were awful. And too long. And I had even moved to a developing country. (Trust me! Don't do that!) And now I'm pregnant and already fearing a repeat! But this time the kid will have a big sis and I'll know how to ask for help when I need it.