Digby, you stink!
I have started a new job, almost a month ago, but all this pope stuff was interfering with my blogging schedule. As if there was such a thing. I have moved from retail to non-profit and it was a very good choice. I'm working part-time for the Danbury library and it is a relief to say the least to not have to deal with corporate crap. It helps to be a part-time employee to avoid any possible management pain but still, non-profit is nice! The previous job started to increase pressure on employees not only to sell but also identify with corporate ideas about customers. All actual truth aside I'm always baffled how employees are instructed on how to "show" interest for the customer or how to "convey" knowledge instead of actually being asked to be interested and to know. The same goes for managers. There are a million books on how to basically fake enthusiasm for your employees so that they would believe you and be enthusiastic themselves. Yeah, because employees never catch on that you are faking it. Let's ignite the world with dishonesty and pretend-play! It always works. (Alright, so I'm bitter.)
I am working in circulation at the library, I check books in and out and give out new library cards and occasionally speak Spanish (yes!), try to decipher Portuguese and at the end rake in the millions and millions of dollars from late fees. Ahem. The other fun part of the job is dealing with all the different people. Many of them getting angry for having to pay late fees or having to have IDs to prove they are really the parents of their children (hello?). The best are the charming old ladies with latent rage issues ("... well that bank teller had her pants so low, when she turned around you could see she had a tatoo right above her butt crack! People tell me she might not realize you can see it. Well, she'll know when she gets raped in the parking lot!") - there they are in the cute hats and gloves spewing venom with a smile.
It's not a terribly exciting job per se, but it is right for me. I am allowed to chat with my coworkers if things are going slow, my boss is nice (and not faking it) and I'm surrounded by books and books and books. Seriously, I hope they let me stick around there for a long time, because this job seems to fit me very well right now. I have had so many jobs in the last 2-3 years that it almost makes me feel like a flake. I mean I had good reasons to change jobs and I'm grateful that in the US it is so extremely easy to do that (I know there is a dark side to this, I will be blogging about that... later.), but still. I can tell my patience for learning new things is decreasing. The first few weeks of a job feel so familiar now, the confusion, the boring starting up, the getting to know everybody. I feel like that's all I do every few months, start a new job. Hopefully this cycle is over for now. Don't get me wrong , I am not expecting any predictability any time soon though. Not until the child is 20 or something.
Posted at 12:36 PM on April 25, 2005 | Comments (3)We have a pope!
I have to admit I'm surprised: Pope Benedict XVI (previously known as Cardinal Ratzinger)
Posted at 12:02 PM on April 19, 2005 | Comments (3)Poncho Fever
I knitted this poncho for Veronika and just as it is appropriate for a daughter she refuses to wear it just to teach me some much needed humility. "There will be no showing off, mother! I will do as I please ALWAYS! Motherhood is not about taking pleasure in dressing your child in pretty things! It is about hard hard... HARD work! Now go and suffer!" This is not verbatim, but that's pretty much what I heard. I am still smarter than her though and by appealing to her vanity I succeeded in convincing her to stand still for just a quarter second so I could take a picture. She complied for a quarter second and not more and immediately started pulling it off wailing in despair.
After that I had an even better idea.
There is no need to appeal to Digby's vanity as he will never miss an opportunity to be photographed (and receive a treat).
Posted at 01:06 PM on April 08, 2005 | Comments (5)Thank you
Many people are writing their own tributes about John Paul II and I enjoy reading them. Even though he had the same effect on me I'm always amazed how so many people have a connection to him. When we were in Toronto at the World Youth Day and the crowds were cheering to the pope on and on, Lincoln said to me how he didn't understand people going crazy. I knew what he meant, because on first glance it seemed out of place to behave like this towards a religious figure. He wasn't a rockstar. It seemed too strong, too childish. But towards the end of the weekend we both knew exactly why the crowds were going nuts... because we felt it too. It was easy to love John Paul II, because he loved you first. I know this will be misunderstood as a kind of mass hysteria or religious fervor, and I will not attemp to explain it. Mostly because I can't. It was a simple reality. I have never met anyone who could convey God's love in this way, with such confidence and such complete lack of fear. It was overwhelming.
It's not easy to be a Catholic. It never was I assume, but each period in time has its own challenges. Nowadays it is outrageously out of style in the Western world. Catholicism is described as antiquated, anti-human, hypocritical, sexually misinformed and repressed, totalitarian and corrupt. It was impossible for me most of the time to convey to people the difference between doctrine and the sins and imperfections of the church's members. And beyond that it was impossible to me to explain how faith and church were related and that you couldn't discuss faith issues in the same way you discuss politics and its agenda. Growing up and even now I felt out of place a lot, it was a struggle. Not just because of an obvious clash of my convictions with the current trends but also because it was hard to find Catholics I could really identify with. There were those who would admonish against anything world-related. MTV was evil, so were most kinds of music and movies, wearing this that or the other was a near occasion of sin, talking about frustrations with your faith, talking about your own weakness was taboo. The right way to live was apparently to shut yourself off from "the world" by criticising it constantly and living in fear that "it" will still somehow devour you one day and you could lose your faith in 5 seconds. I knew I could not live this way, but I could not live the other way either. I suppose one always feels in their heart what the right thing to do is, but in most cases we sort of tend to just join one group or the other and run with them because it feels safer than following what you truly believe.
But then there was this pope. At the youth meetings he talked to us by identifying with this dilemma. I never felt dismissed, I never heard him lament how evil this generation was, how godless, how hard it would be for us to ever lead a good life. It was the opposite. It was the opposite to a lot of what I had heard in Catholic circles. He encouraged us and spoke about what really moved us. He said God was entrusting us with the tasks of tomorrow. It was the right thing for me to hear so many times... when I felt completely at odds with every single person of my generation or when I felt I didn't know where in the church I really belonged. It is hard for me to explain, because these are very personal things, but I am so grateful because I feel my life took a certain course because there was this person who lifted me up and didn't even know me.
People get upset about the church preaching about "universal truths" and interestingly those universal truths are what I am most grateful for. I am at loss though when I am asked to explain that. The closest I come to compare it to is the feeling you have when you find yourself recognized by someone. Maybe your friend, or your spouse or preferably God. You experience the moment of seeing yourself - and therefore others - as you are really meant to be, with your true calling and your dignity. The church has given me many ways to experience that through exactly those corner stones that everyone else is always tripping over... its doctrine on relationships, sin and the true meaning of life. The World Youth Days were always a great opportunity to rediscover these turths in yourself and others and I am sure that this was the reason John Paul II had started them. He had the gift to remind us that we were loved and we had a purpose and that we should never be afraid. It was always very personal, there was little talk about theory and theology but much about living your life with God - fearlessly.
The thought of him being gone is somewhat scary to me. The truth is always a reality, whether he is here or not, but to me it will be quite lonelier. This pope was a constant support in my life and selfishly I would rather not let go of it. I feel a little like the apostles who after they see Jesus transfigured (Lk 9:30) with Moses and Elijah, ask if they could build them little houses on the spot and have them live there - everyone together living happily ever after. I want John Paul II to stay here and things should not change and I should always be able to have him close and rely on his words and his encouragement. Like many others I feel orphaned in a way. At the same time his death with all its numb and final ugliness does not overshadow the joy of his life. More than that it's making a fool of itself trying turn it into a dark event.
Posted at 11:46 AM on April 06, 2005 | Comments (6)Ah, the sadness.
"We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son."
Until I gather my thoughts, things from happier times: World Youth Day 2002
... and a few good links:
The Life of Pope John Paul II in pictures
The most beautiful photos of John Paul II (L'Osservatore Romano)
Posted at 07:43 PM on April 02, 2005I knew it was coming, but...
... I am so not ready for it. This man played a decisive role in my life, especially when overcoming some tough times. I am not ready to live without him yet, but I suppose I will never be.
Posted at 10:36 AM on April 01, 2005 | Comments (1)