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For the last five weeks I've been attending a weekly - well, class, lecture, session, not sure what it is - about how to raise a family in faith. It's a program done by Mary Ronan who wrote a book (Raising your child in an ungodly world
I was reluctant to go at first. The main reasons I signed up were that I could meet people from my parish, since I hardly know anyone and that there was free babysitting and I could have two hours a week to occupy my mind without that time being snipped into tiny little bits by a toddler. The reluctancy came from previous negative experiences with Christian parenting advice as well as with very pious, but ultimately dishonest, Christian get-togethers for the purposes of "sharing". The first often gets very lofty and as well as very rigid. There is either specific advice as to what HAS to be done or what MUST NOT be done to ensure successful Catholic upbringing, which could encompass the exclusion of specific TV programs or the inclusion of exact feeding times of infants and such. Oftentimes wellmeaning Christian parenting books will also present a beautiful holy picture of what family life should look like and reading about it depresses me, because not only do I not find myself in their shiny descriptions, I also feel they are impossible to achieve. They make me feel like a loser before I've even managed to get inspired.
So, basically, given the title of the book and all my prejudice I was prepared to hear a lot about the evils of the world and how Catholics need to shut it all out, ideally living on a self-sufficient farm in Kansas. Luckily I was disappointed in that regard as Mary Ronan seems a very balanced person with little fear and lots of humor. The program focuses on a lot of practical things that can be done in a shape or form that fits your family (prayer, taking time for each other, communication etc.) and little on things that should be avoided. Therefore the general tone for me was positive, encouraging and... freeing. We talked a lot about discipline and prayer and how to build honest relationships with each other and make time for family life. Nothing new, one would say, but really the things that are the biggest challenge on a daily basis.
I am so glad that this was presented in a way, where as mothers we could talk about our daily work from a spiritual perspective, because frankly, no one does that. There are moms groups to socialize and maybe support groups for new mothers. There are sermons and how-to-books, even Christian ones, but there is little space where we can be taken seriously in our vocation without sanctimonious talk about the sacredness of motherhood. Either we are dimissed or put on a pedestal, both options being highly dissatisfying. I realized I had been missing the opportunity to talk about what moved me without having to explain myself. I so often felt alone in my job. Not just alone, because I was alone most of the day or because I didn't know anyone else, who was doing the same thing (because I do), but because I didn't see my place. I felt I only knew (in my eyes) warped images of motherhood, the one society offered and the one some church circles offered, both of which just didn't fit me. I never "dreamed" of being a mother per se. I did dream of marrying and having a family, the second following the first naturally, and I expected motherhood to be the logical vocation designed for me as a consequence, one that would fill me up. Just like that. Well, that's not how it happened. I suppose I was waiting for things to fall into place as the child arrived, but they didn't exactly. They didn't to the point of giving me true peace of mind.
The format of this program allowed me to do two things. One, to gain confidence that I'm in the right place in my life and that what I do matters. It might sound strange I would doubt that, but as truly beautiful motherhood is, it is full of repetitive tasks, none of them very monumental and those are much more numerous than the breathtaking ones like giving birth or hearing your child talk for the first time. For some, those moments make it all worth it to the point that they really can easily overlook the hard parts. For me, I needed the hard parts to feel more meaningful than they did to really take them in stride. Maybe you'd say I was looking for gratification in too many things. That's not it though. I wasn't looking for things to feel easy but for me to see them in their right place. The second thing the program allowed me to realize is that fulfillment cannot be found anywhere outside of the personal love of God, not even in the neat idea of the beautiful motherly sacrifice. I always knew that... and I didn't. I have to make the switch from thinking that God wants me to be a certain kind of person (the good mother) to realizing that God wants me to be just me. I was paralyzed in a way thinking that being a good mother and feeling at peace with my life meant letting go of everything I am and that put me in a state of panic. I felt stuck, I couldn't go back nor could I go forward.
The question was never for me whether to have children or whether to continue being their mother, but where to get the strength and the identity. And so... I am grateful for these Friday mornings, because the fact that I was given the opportunity to think about what I want for me and my family for two hours WITHOUT having to mother during that time was an incredible relief and the first step to realize that I am really allowed to take time for myself to decide where I want to go next. It helped too, that there was no image of the perfect mother presented at any time and even though it was directed towards mothers, the topics were universally Christian, concerning our faith and personal relationship with God as people, not just parents, which ultimately is the right guidance for parenthood anyway.
It was a relief to rediscover that I don't have to fit anyone's idea of a mother. I don't even have certain feelings attached to it. When I thought of having children, I always pictured all these wonderful new people I was going to meet and spend my life with. On top of that they were going to be a mix of me and my husband. Those are the things I was attracted to. I still think that, but the reality right now has only a little to do with that, but a lot more to do with the physical efforts of keeping these new people alive and shape them into somewhat functioning human beings (as in directing their pee into proper receptacles and not their underpants). I never pictured much of that. You might call that naive, but it's not very surprising. On the other hand I seem to meet a lot of mothers, who have apparently dreamt of just that, the care part, the proper feeding and the dressing and the talking about the proper feeding and dressing and so forth. I grew exhausted trying to make myself feel the same way.
I thought I had to make better friends with God, so that I could do this or that better, but I realized that I just have to make better friends with God. Period. Whatever comes after is not so much for me to worry about, whether I will be a better mother or not or whether I can meet the high standards. I am not sure the specific characteristics of this program were suggesting that, maybe it was more the two hours of peace or the willingness on my part to accept whatever answers I was going to find, whether I'd like them or not. I don't know. I am just beyond grateful that I seem to have gotten a glimpse of a reconciliation of me and motherhood on a daily, tangible basis. Surprisingly this didn't come from attempting to be a better mother to make God happy, but from asking for some peace and comfort, just for myself, just like I am. There is this innate and learned fear that God is never happy with me and that I need to shape up or else. The opposite is true though and it seems the hardest thing to learn in life.
Posted at 08:35 PM on October 22, 2005
What an insightful post. I needed to read this today.
And what a great program at your church!
You are very lucky to have an opportunity like this. The mothers "group" at my church turned me off ( I went once or twice but never went back) because it was all about "I say more prayers than you do, I go to Mass every day and breastfeed my kids till they are 5 la la la...". I would love to someday attend something like this.
I hated our "mom's group", too... did you read her book? I may Amazon it.
I did read her book. It's quite practical, so good to have on hand, especially when the kids are a little older. A lot of the topics are WAY to early for me right now, only having one 2-year-old. I liked it, but it's not revolutionary.