Sunny, but sleepy
(I realize it's lame to post pictures of myself, but I find this one very accurate in several aspects, one of them being my frown.)
Did you notice, I don't have time to write? Because if you haven't: I don't have time to write. I miss it terribly. I have probably composed about 17 posts in my head in the last few weeks and not only can I not remember what they were about, I can't even..., wait, what was I talking about? I have a hard time remembering thoughts I have thought two seconds ago. My patience is always hanging by a thread. Sanity seems only a second away, yet I can't quite get there...
Two children are a whole different level of work, of commitment, of nerve-wrecking. (I can see you nodding, no need to give me the I-could've-told-you-looks.). The funny thing is, it's not even the baby that gets to me, but number 1. She adores Ivan, but I'm afraid, the stress that his arrival has brought into her life is finding an outlet elsewhere... mainly her parents. She took it up a notch with the whining and the screaming and the tantruming. She pushes all the buttons. I am tired. Ivan is still a sweetheart, but he does wake up at night (as he should) and unfortunately does not always have the going-back-to-sleep down as fast as he should. So after a few nights of unrest and a few days of unrest (Veronika, if you are reading this, STOP screaming!) I am in a state of permanent fuzziness.
The strange thing is... I am not totally losing it. I am losing it in certain moments, but overall... not. This beginning (with Ivan) has been so much different than with Veronika. I finally understand what all these parents meant when they were gushing about the bliss of being with the new baby. I feel a little bad saying that - as if I had failed Veronika in that regard, but on the other hand I am aware now it was out of my control. I was in shock if you will. It was shock over the birth, over the looming stretch of exhaustion and over the fact that I was supposed to be a mother now and I didn't know what that meant for my life. With Ivan though it's as if someone turned the switch. I don't feel the despair that I will never be able to do this and that I'm always lagging behind, that I'm not up to the challenge. It's not like I didn't enjoy the time with Veronika, but things felt heavy. This time the good feeling just exceeds the rest. I feel content in a way I haven't felt in a while. I feel good about myself (which is even more surprising given a complete mess of outer appearance - the flap has lost all modesty and respect). It could very well be hormonal. Once it hits you wrong, another time right. Maybe. I don't know. I am grateful though, because I can use the energy.
I like having two children. It feels different from having one and I'm very happy about that. I'm not sure how to describe in what way it fulfilled my hopes. It feels more like family, more complete and right. It's easier to see where all the work is going and it helps me put the stress in perspective. Ah, perspective, I've been waiting for you. Just don't leave me now...
Posted at 06:10 PM on April 30, 2006 | Comments (2)Cinderella Has Left The Building
(Of course all of this made possible by her husband, who renounced of her and her services for all those days!)
After staying with us for more than six weeks my mom has gone home last week and now, I don't have any time anymore. I will not lie, I was spoiled, WE were spoiled. The dinner was cooked, the bathrooms cleaned, the carpets vacuumed... and then some other things were cleaned that had never been cleaned before, like the windows and the top of the book shelves! Then I had a baby and in the following days I could still check my email and read stuff and post and run errands in the car, by myself, listening to new cds! It was like heaven, only I still had to use a fork to bring food to my mouth. (Because in heavenly Jerusalem fresh fruit and roasted birds fall into your mouth, no? Did I get this right? I'm not sure.).
I would thank her, obviously, but I'm not really sure how to do that. Where do you start? You should know my mom is an old-school homemaker. It is a whole other level than the stuff I do. I dabble in homemaking compared to her. I'm a lazy dilettante. When I iron, the shirts and pants look decent but somehow still a little tense, nervous, not confidently flat. When she irons all the clothes submit to her expert touch and they look... relaxed and fulfilled. "This is what we were meant to look like! Finally!" When I cook, things taste good, you'd have seconds if you're hungry. But when she cooks, there are these little taste twists and special feelings in your mouth and you think oh, more, more, forever more! She puts the extra work in it, you know? Things don't get just done, they get done right, thoroughly. During housework I am always so blindsided by my pride ("Look! I am houseworking! Yay! Somebody take a picture, I'm cleaning!") that the mere fact is enough for me to call it quits soon thereafter. No need to "do the corners", if it smells like soap, it's clean, no?
Incidentally she is also an expert baby-holder. There is no baby that will not succumb to her powers. It might be the special positioning or the secret combination of steps between the living room to the kitchen or, most likely, it is secret baby language she has been learning for the last, oh I don't know, 40+ years? There is also thoroughness in the baby holding. I can only compete because I am the mother and I have to do the holding whether I want it or not, but let's be honest, if you read this blog, you know I lack the attitude. I am schlumpy, that's what I am.
I am pretty lucky, because when I look around it seems there are very few old-school homemakers around and even fewer grandmother/old-school-homemakers, who are willing and able to serve their daughter and her family for a month and a half, oh, and pay her own airfare to be able to do so as well as spend her fun money on her daughter's groceries. Yeah. I am so not kidding.
We called her Cinderella... because, well, for obvious reasons and because... she's a sunset in a frame!
Posted at 08:50 PM on April 27, 2006 | Comments (4)The New Kid and Motherhood times two
Read here about the name choice and a short update.
Things feel definitely easier this time around. I don't know if this is temporary and if it's only because I'm not new to it all, because Ivan is such an easy baby (so far) or because of all of the above. I assume it's all of it, but I can definitely say that the subsequent babies benefit from being, well, not first. I know every child is different, but I feel I have a much better mental disposition this time around. I sort of know what's coming and all the scary parts don't look so scary once you know you've overcome them before. I have a better idea of time and what it means in connection to babies. With Veronika every stage seemed like the final one. I couldn't really grasp what it meant that she would only do something for a few weeks or months. In my head it all seemed like eternity. She would never sleep through the night, she would always need to be nursed, I would never be able to put her to sleep without rocking her in the sling for an hour first etc. This time around I feel I will base my hopes on prior palpable experience and so the feelings of despair should not be as frequent - ESPECIALLY if this kid keeps up with his sleeping habits!
I have always done better with things the second time around. The first week of driving lessons... terrible. The first day riding a horse... disaster. The first day skiing... tears over tears. I'm not the person, who just kind of "gets it" and rolls with it right away. I need to get a feel for things first to get some confidence. On second try I tend to do better, mostly because I already went through the failure, mistakes and disappointment and so the fears have lessened... I mean what else could go wrong that I haven't experienced yet? So, I've learned to pace myself, because after lagging behind the others in the first round, I'd more than catch up later and so I hold off on the feelings of failure until I get another chance. Maybe it will be similar with motherhood... maybe the second time around I will have the advantage of having struggled with it earlier, I don't know. For now it seems I was blessed with a really good start.
I can't say much about the double "burden" of having two children yet, because my mom is here and Lincoln is going back to work tomorrow and I'm totally denying the fact that one day I will wake up and it will just be me and the two of them. Veronika is in love with Ivan though and recently went through a developmental spur as far as her speech is concerned, so at least communication should be easier. She hasn't had any tantrums lately either, so I'm hoping for an (at least temporary) reprieve.
As for my own post partum situation... uhm. The shock over the damage on my body is much smaller, because again, I expected it. It is quite worse as far as sag and stretching goes, plus I have to deal with a lot more extra weight than last time. What has been a little of a surprise is the fact that my abdominal muscles are completely dead. The constant backache from the last weeks of pregnancy didn't stop until I got... the Girdle! Oh, the girdle is a blessing. It is atrocious to behold, especially on my body, but it does miracles. First and foremost the backache is gone! I can bend over and turn around without pain and generally feel like my body is actually in one piece. It is truly amazing to find out that abs are not just there to be exercised, but to actually facilitate painfree movement. Anyway, the Girdle is the way to go, also to help bring that belly back into the lower body cavity. See, my demands are getting modest by the hour: all I want is for my body to resemble the non-pregnant state while non-pregnant. Ha.
Posted at 05:25 PM on April 02, 2006 | Comments (1)