Sunny, but sleepy
(I realize it's lame to post pictures of myself, but I find this one very accurate in several aspects, one of them being my frown.)
Did you notice, I don't have time to write? Because if you haven't: I don't have time to write. I miss it terribly. I have probably composed about 17 posts in my head in the last few weeks and not only can I not remember what they were about, I can't even..., wait, what was I talking about? I have a hard time remembering thoughts I have thought two seconds ago. My patience is always hanging by a thread. Sanity seems only a second away, yet I can't quite get there...
Two children are a whole different level of work, of commitment, of nerve-wrecking. (I can see you nodding, no need to give me the I-could've-told-you-looks.). The funny thing is, it's not even the baby that gets to me, but number 1. She adores Ivan, but I'm afraid, the stress that his arrival has brought into her life is finding an outlet elsewhere... mainly her parents. She took it up a notch with the whining and the screaming and the tantruming. She pushes all the buttons. I am tired. Ivan is still a sweetheart, but he does wake up at night (as he should) and unfortunately does not always have the going-back-to-sleep down as fast as he should. So after a few nights of unrest and a few days of unrest (Veronika, if you are reading this, STOP screaming!) I am in a state of permanent fuzziness.
The strange thing is... I am not totally losing it. I am losing it in certain moments, but overall... not. This beginning (with Ivan) has been so much different than with Veronika. I finally understand what all these parents meant when they were gushing about the bliss of being with the new baby. I feel a little bad saying that - as if I had failed Veronika in that regard, but on the other hand I am aware now it was out of my control. I was in shock if you will. It was shock over the birth, over the looming stretch of exhaustion and over the fact that I was supposed to be a mother now and I didn't know what that meant for my life. With Ivan though it's as if someone turned the switch. I don't feel the despair that I will never be able to do this and that I'm always lagging behind, that I'm not up to the challenge. It's not like I didn't enjoy the time with Veronika, but things felt heavy. This time the good feeling just exceeds the rest. I feel content in a way I haven't felt in a while. I feel good about myself (which is even more surprising given a complete mess of outer appearance - the flap has lost all modesty and respect). It could very well be hormonal. Once it hits you wrong, another time right. Maybe. I don't know. I am grateful though, because I can use the energy.
I like having two children. It feels different from having one and I'm very happy about that. I'm not sure how to describe in what way it fulfilled my hopes. It feels more like family, more complete and right. It's easier to see where all the work is going and it helps me put the stress in perspective. Ah, perspective, I've been waiting for you. Just don't leave me now...
Posted at 06:10 PM on April 30, 2006
Ah, Dinka, you scare me and you give me hope at the same time...my second boy is due in 2 months, and my first 2 yrs old sounds so similar to Veronika...I am so looking forward and at the same time enjoying what I perceive the last few peaceful weeks...
Ahhh, yes, the "no time to write" syndrome... We are just starting to get over that here, baby #5 is five months old now and every second or third day I get a chance to read my e-mails and maybe even post something.