This is all I got
Currently there are two options for you regarding this blog: One, watch me not post or two, watch me whine. What follows is indeed, whine with an h.
I am so tired. Every day I think, this is the longest I've been continously exhausted in my entire life. Then the next day I think, no, THIS is the longest I've been continously tired.... and so on. I am so tired. Ivan is still a decent napper but overall his sleeping is getting worse, more waking up at night and more fussing when put down...etc. I just spent an hour putting him down for the night. That's because he keeps waking up and I have to start over. And then again.
Even more than sleep and rest though I miss some sort of energizing mental and/or social activity. I am beginning to feel understanding for all the historic opressive forces who were determined to keep women uneducated and focused on their stitchery (although I would DIE for some quiet stitiching time these days) until the babies arrived. It was for their own good. How could they miss what they never had? What good is tasting the freedom of thought and speech and the processes of grey matter when it will be taken away from you completely for so many years until it all turns into indistinguishable fuzz and all you end up doing really well is answering to, not your name, but your role (Mama? Yes. Mama? Yes.) and restating simple facts. Nothing will make you forget about the existence of abstract concepts like naming all the objects and their colors. If it is not green or can be hung around your neck for adornment it is irrelevant in the course of history or eternity for that matter. All of this is not that bad actually, but what is bad is the quantity of it, because the quantity is 100%. It is toddler and infant time ALL the time.
I live for the nights, every morning hoping that this will be the day where the kids will actually be asleep (and stay that way for at least 2 hours) at 8 pm and I will enjoy an activity (like sitting) in peace. Mostly it doesn't happen, not for that long anyway, but somehow every morning there I am again, hopeful, no, CONVINCED that tonight, things will certainly fall into place. Wednesday nights have been a highlight lately as my favorite show is on again this year. Although the shape of it is the usual reality/vote-off pattern, the subject (dancing!) makes up for the cheesy winner/loser ritual. I wasn't really going to write about it, because even though it's a popular show I keep thinking the interest is not really there beyond the pretty dresses and the upbeat music. I've always loved dancing above all other entertainment but have also learned to live with the disappointment that it isn't like that for about 99% of the people 99% of the time. Still, for me it also goes further than just entertainment. It feels natural and... necessary somehow. There is something about dance that connects things for me emotionally and physically and well, it can't be reproduced with any other activity. I can go without it, I mean, I've been going without it for a long time. Dancing is not practical. If your hobby is swimming, cycling or reading (Kathrin? "Meine Hobbies sind: Schwimmen, Lesen, Radfahren"), you will easily find your venue and possible witnesses will not be weirded out ("What is she doing swimming in that pool just for the sake of it?!"), but if you like dancing... you either have to pay for a class, or make a friend go with you to a club full of idiots and endure music you don't really like. Anyway, this show... gives me surrogate dancing. Mentally I join their flow and get a taste of what I would feel like... if I was there, if I could. Sometimes it works so well I want to cry from the joy it gives me. (But then again if you are perpetually sleep-deprived even a stuffed blue hippo can move you to tears. Ivan has one. That's where my imagery comes from.) Then I wish I had been born into one of those cultures where people dance at every celebratory occasion, unlike people in my culture, who prefer to sit and have awkward conversations.
I think my work is done here. I have managed to compose a text with confusing content and syntax, interspersed with bitterness and the obligatory occasional sarcasm. What else could you wish for. Watch me shuffle my feet to bed as I take my teeth out and down the Metamucil...
Posted at 07:54 PM on August 08, 2006
1. This doesn't last long. They grow up so quick. It is hard to see when they are all small, but in a blink, they will not be that small and you wonder what happened.
Exhaustion is a part of motherhood (I think). It seems I have never slept again since having number 1. When they started sleeping through the night, I cannot fall into a deep sleep because I am always keeping an ear out making sure of fart fetched dangers like fires, kidnappings, or more reasonable ones in my household, like coughing bouts due to asthma attacks, and teenagers who need to be told to go to bed else they stay up all night writing fan fiction.
2. I like So You Think You Can Dance as well.I hate the voting off stuff though.I used to dance all the time, from dance lessons as a child, to going to a Performing Arts HS, to clubs...I miss it too, but I am too old. After I became too old for the club scene, I got into aerobics and that satiated my need for a dance fix. I have been trying for years to get Josh to take tango with me. He has got to be the only non-dancing Latino man I know. (He just commented "oh whatever" upon reading this).
3. You have that Dog Whisperer guy linked on your margin. My husband can watch that show for hours. He was reading over my shoulder because the picture of the guy caught his eye.
In this situation Sanda received a gift from you: a small sign, which is now hanging above her bed:
>> STRESS IS WHEN YOU WAKE UP SCREAMING AND REALIZE YOU HAVEN'T FALLEN ASLEEP YET
In German: Augen zu und durch! Es wird besser!
Dani,
There is a Dog Whisperer post coming up.. at some point. I haven't watched the show yet, but read the book and loved it. Digby is currently being rehabilitated. I have the first season on my netflix queue because I don't have that channel in my meager extended cable package.
Dinka, you freaking crack me up. I love this post and can relate to a great deal of it. What I like so much about your writing is how, even when you say/believe you are simply whining, you are keeping it in perspective and seeing the crazy humor in this mothering thing. You make the unfunny things so funny, the way you write them.
Hang in there! See if you can get a nap today. Maybe after a good dance in the middle of the living room! I bet the kids would love it. Digby, too!! ;)
I remember being tired tired tired back when my kids were young. I feel as if I was nearly sleep walking. So you have my compassion.
Hope you hang in there. (Of course what choice have you got, eh?)