Yet another book review
Most of the books I've reviewed here came out at least a few years ago and the review was written months after I finished reading. Not this time though. I need to write it all up while it's still fresh in my mind. "On Beauty" by Zadie Smith was published last year and was a great success - not so surprising, since her first and second books were bestsellers. Zadie Smith is British and a month older than myself (I am green with envy. Not that I ever thought of writing a novel. But STILL.) and wrote "On Beauty" on the framework of Howard's End by E.M. Forster. I was not aware of that until I was almost done, so I suppose it might be a nice perk if you've read Howard's End (I haven't.), but it is definitely not necessary. Zadie Smith is a household name in Britain and I assume in the States as well among the literary interested (or by the library employed).
Anyway, beyond those details being myself unable to give a professional and balanced review I will just simply blabber on why I loved this novel so much. Primarily this book is not as much about events (although there are enough) as about people, about characters - something I am always interested in when reading a novel but that usually disappoints. It truly shows incredible gift when someone is capable of inventing and describing convincing characters, people you almost believe are real. Zadie Smith portrays them good and bad but not in that forced way, where the preachy message of "We are all so flawed!" is so thinly veiled in every passage. She connects the seemingly redundant descriptions of surroundings and actions (I don't know, playing with muffin wrappers while fighting with your sister, or the random picture on the wall that will forever stay in your head because you were looking at it as you were watching your marriage fall apart...) in such a perfect way that certain passages and their atmosphere would stay with me for hours later... As I'm changing Ivan's diaper I find myself worried about the main character's wife and her emotional turmoil. I loved how certain emotions were expressed in such a close and personal way... it almost felt like looking at the perfect painting describing a familiar scene much better than reality every could. Maybe all this is familiar to most people and the reason why it has such an impact on me has something to do with the fact that I rarely read fiction these days, but even if. This is the first book in many years that I feel I will need to own.
Oh, what it is about, yes. It's about a family - the father (white), a decidedly liberal British professor at a small Liberal Arts college on the (US) East Coast, his wife (black) a health care professional, somewhat uneasy in the academic world, their three (almost) adult children and the family's rivals - a conservative reactionary college professor (black) with an ill wife and two children. The novel follows the possible demise of the main characters' marriage after 30 years - how it is played out publicly and privately, how it affects the children but conveys in the process more about questions of middle age, about the meaning of life, about things relevant and irrelevant, about the lies we tell ourselves, about truth, about... beauty.
Why you should read it: You will enjoy this if you are interested in people, how they think and operate and how those two things sometimes are completely at odds. If you are interested in what constitutes identity and the push and pull between our convictions and the public perception... you will like it. You will find yourself on an emotional journey and benefit from seeing the world with other people's eyes while in the process get to know yourself a little better. The novel doesn't manipulate or make judgements but inevitably dares you to make your own as well as question your own perception.
Why you should not read it: Sigh. I suppose there are people out there who will not like this and I feel I should warn you, although obviously I really wish everyone would agree with me! You will not enjoy this book if you are bothered by people making very wrong choices or having opposite beliefs (opposite of yours of course) and not necessarily improving in the end. You will not like it if you are having a hard time with characters being inconsistent, vulgar some times, loving at others, loathsome and lovable and generally confused. Stuff happens but this is not CSI or High Noon, so don't read it if you want a lot of action and compelete simple resolution at the end.
In short, I find myself completely incapable of doing this novel justice in terms of accurate and all-encompassing description. Maybe a few favorite quotes will help:
p 235 (three siblings meet by complete coincidence one morning in the city):
"People talk about the happy quiet that can exist between two lovers, but this too was great, sitting between his sister and his brother, saying nothing, eating. (...) He did not consider if or how or why he loved them. They were just love: they were the first evidence he ever had of love, and they would be the last confirmation of love when everything else fell away."
p 398 (the husband making a plea to his wife to forgive him, trying to explain his love):
"But I don't want to be without... us. You're the person I - you're my life, Keeks. You have been and you will be and you are. I don't know how you want me to say it. You're for me - you are me. We've always known that - and there's no way out now anyway. I love you. You're for me," repeated Howard."
p 424 (a mother going through old things in the basement):
"Several small items made her cry: a tiny woolen bootie, a broken orthodontic retainer, a woggle from a cub-scout tie. She had not become Malcolm X's private secretary. She never did direct a movie or run for Senate. She could not fly a plane. But here was all this."
- (I thought this was one of the sweetest and most accurate ways of indicating the satisfaction and ambivalence of motherhood... the sacrifice and the success..."but here was all this"... perfect.)
Digby "THE BODY" Souzek
Here is Digby kindly modelling a new outfit I made for Ivan. My son was temporarily unavailable due to sleeping.
Posted at 10:17 AM on September 21, 2006 | Comments (5)Preschool Times
At the end of last month Veronika started preschool. She goes every morning, from Monday to Friday from 9 to 11.30. (Thanks to a government-funded program this is within our budget.) We are in week 3 and she is still just as enthusiastic as on day 1. Preschool has turned out to be awesome, even more awesome than I expected (and I expected very awesome). I know this was supposed to be for her, but I feel like I'm the one who really lucked out.
I will readily admit that Veronika isn't really challenged enough at home and at this point she needs it badly. She loves discovering things and group activities and structure and tasks. All of these things I can't give her, especially not with an infant in my arm and the amount of sleep equivalent to a few wrinkled bills of change. We had been driving each other crazy - her with constantly needing something and asking a million questions and me, annoyed and exhausted redirecting her constantly so she would leave me alone. It doesn't help that I'm really not one for playing with little kids on a regular basis. I admire teachers, but please don't make me be one. Maybe that explains part of her undying love for preschool: Her mom sucks at playing.
Every morning she gets up asking me: "Wo wir gehen?" (Where are we going?" and I say "preschool". Upon hearing the magic word she grins from ear to ear and makes this noise that cannot be described except as the definition of glee. We wash up, pick out the outfit ("I want the pink rock (=skirt)!") and the hairstyle ("Pinktails, mama!"), have breakfast ("Bibap cereal!") and walk out the door (ok, we drive, so.) and I bathe in her happiness and excitement. It is just perfect: I don't have to go, but I get all the feelings. Once we're there she will tell me something like "Where's Ms Kelly? She's waiting for me!" or "She's calling me!" - literally, she can hear the school speaking to her for afar. When she sees he teacher, she will give her the hug of the year or a high five UNINVITED (I saw this, I'm not kidding. I've never gotten a high five out of her, by the way.) After that she disappears in the crowd. Pretty much. I will get a hug and a kiss but really, who cares.
What comes next is... peace and quiet. If we don't run an errand, Ivan and I come home, he takes a nap and I do nothing. If that is what I want. Or I do something. If that is what I want. Obviously it is not enough time for a lot of things or lengthy things, but it is something. It's a time when I can hear my thoughts and they are not "Is it 8 o'clock yet?" or "I am so tired, SO TIRED! Can anybody hear me?" I carve out a little autonomy there, I feel a little normal because there is no one around challenging every decision I make even if it's as minor as... leavethatdoorcloseduntili'mdonepeeing!!! So yeah, the preschool situation is working for me.
I pick her up at 11.30 and I love, love doing it. The kids come down the stairs and step outside and one by one they are handed off to their parents. It's my favorite moment... watching her in her jacket and backpack searching for me with her eyes... then when she sees me her face relaxes into a bright smile. I fetch her and she makes that noise again (glee!) and immediately blurts out the important part: "Crackers and milk, mama!". Who cares what the art project was, what did you eat, kid? That's my girl.
She is tired on the ride home, but I can virtually see all the new stuff she's heard and seen brewing in her head. Again I get all giddy, as if it was me. I imagine the singing, the fingerpainting, the slide on the playground... all her favorite things every morning! That's when I dream off picturing a preschool for me. What would it be like? A craft project set up for me when I arrive, then cleaned up by someone else when I'm done, singing with my friends, some quiet time, then a walk in the park and at the end... food! All of this of course accompanied with an insane amount of praise and excitement over every little thing I accomplish ("You ate your cake! You drank your coffee! GOOD GIRL!). This is what heaven is like... like preschool.
I know this is not something a mother is supposed to admit (attachment parents feel free to frown excessively), but not seeing your child 24 hours a day every day is a tremendous relief, it creates the right amount of distance for me to be able to see things a little more clearly, to miss her and to appreciate her when she comes back.
Posted at 07:15 PM on September 20, 2006 | Comments (3)I'm Loving The Flickr
I found photos of Danbury Main St as well as the Library. Check it out, it's prettier in the pictures than in real life.
Posted at 12:39 PM on September 13, 2006 | Comments (1)Digby, Cesar and me
I'm usually not so fond of jumping on the bandwagon of the latest popular thing. Cesar Millan and his tv show "The Dog Whisperer" were everywhere, which to me smelled suspiciously of a passing fad. The reason I finally checked out his book from the library seemed to be the easy access. I put it on hold and grabbed it the next time I went to work. I have to admit that now I realize it wasn't just that. For a while now Digby has not been happy and neither have I. Let me see... since we got him, we added two little kids to the family, continued to live far from relatives, still don't have extra money and walking around our apartment complex is somewhat an exercise in death defiance. Basically, I am tired, but Digby is not. Digby sleeps over 12 hours a day and wakes up READY TO GO GO GO. To his great disappointment we usually were not go go going anywhere with him, really. So I felt bad for him, but I felt worse for myself. I don't get to do what I want either Digby, so suck it up! The thought of having to give priority to his needs on top of everything else did not sit well with me, only... his behavior was getting worse and worse and I realized, all I did was feed him and yell at him and something had to change.
Then Cesar came into our lives! I thought his book was going to tell me all the things I did wrong and that I had to dedicate my life to my dog and then I was going to groan, throw it out the window and call that maintenance man who seemed so in love with Digby last time he came over to fix the peeling paint in the bathroom. The thing is, the book did tell me something of that sort, but I ate it up, because Cesar is popular for a good reason. He really succeeds at making you see your dog from the animal's prespective while at the same time skipping any kind of "humanizing" nonsense. "Ruls, boundaris and limitayshions!" I was reciting in my mind "exercise firs', disciplin secon' and affecshion thir'" (the encantador Mexican accent is inseparable from Cesar's personality). Before I had even finished the book I tried to apply what I had learned with Digby:
- Daily walks if possible. ("The walk mimics the pack's migrating behavior. It is the essential tool to build bonding between pack leader (ME) and follower (Digby). The walk drains the animal's energy and makes him receptive for discipline and learning.)
- Disciplined walking. ("Don't let the dog sniff or walk however he wants, not even look wherever he wants. He is supposed to follow the leader and pay attention. This is a mental challenge to the dog, which in return will reduce hyperactive behavior.")
- Feed after walk ("Food is given as reward for a well done job.")
- Build a consistent pack leader/pack follower relationship by practicing calm-assertive energy (in me). ("A leader is not aggressive, but assertive. The dog can feel your attitude and energy, which is the way he communicates. Not through words.")
There is no question this is an additional imposition on my time, but after I had started this, even though far from fulfilling it all, I saw immediate improvement in Digby. He was less hyper, less annoying, more like himself and I - just like Cesar said - was bonding with my dog and so we both started draining our frustration. It sounds quite simple, but to me, it was a discovery. One thing Cesar says again and again is how he believes that dogs are in our lives for a reason, mainly to help us live a balanced life. I was a little reluctant to concede my dog this type of influence, but at this point I'm willing to believe that to be true. As I was struggling to restore discipline in Digby's life and mind (Submitting a dog is hard, even if he is as small as Digby... his stubbornness knows no boundaris nor limitayshions.) and find time to walk him, I couldn't help see the parallels to my own life.
Life with two small children is chaos, add to that the neverending line of household tasks and errands and you will lose your mind, that's old news. Trying to add yet another effort, like establishing a routine, a schedule... discipline (!) seems like overkill. It has the opposite effect though. Knowing what comes next, sticking to a plan, resisting distractions, submitting... creates order and restores peace (as far as my life can be called peaceful at this point). The extra work pays of down the road. Walking for the sake of it, with no hurry, where all you are concerned with is your next step and taking that time for yourself is incredibly rejuvenating, even if you do it at 7 am after only a few spurs of sleep. I would have never gotten up that early (What? That's early to me!) to take a walk if it wasn't for Digby. Here I was trying to give Digby a better life and in the process helped myself. "Duh!" - you might think. Discipline and exercise - a no-brainer! Maybe. My problem is though that after a 60 to 80-hour-work-week I really don't want to be disciplined nor exercised. I want to be relaxed, on the couch, oblivious.
The most important thing according to Cesar - and the biggest challenge for me - is becoming the calm-assertive leader at all times. I suppose I can be assertive, but calm? Naturally I am not someone who remains calm when all her buttons are pushed at once and repeatedly. Instead I light up, just like the elevator dial and it takes me a while turn it off ("it" being the impatience, the anger, the despair, etc.). I have three very dedicated button-pushers, all of who have a natural advantage (increased levels of intuitiveness given their inability to express themselves verbally) and full immunity (they are just children/dogs!). In short, they instinctively know when and how to bug me, yet can never be held accountable. Just like the discipline and exercise issue though, this challenge has reminded me that I really do need to "rule" my house and that it cannot be achieved while I am upset or in Cesar-speak "imbalanced". I just cannot give up.
The only chapter that I'm missing in his book is the one on how the pack leader needs to achieve balance through getting enough sleep. Given Cesar's almost hypnotic influence on animals (including some of the human variety), surely he should know how to make babies sleep through the night. I'm counting on you, Cesar Millan.
Posted at 09:09 AM on September 11, 2006 | Comments (4)