Show Yourselves
It's past 9 pm, I had been trying to get Ivan to stay asleep from 7 o'clock on. I gave up about 10 minutes ago. I was just done. I could still hear him scream, and even though it didn't leave me cold, I had to turn it off in my head. I had reached the end of me for the day.
I have many good days and I have many bad ones. I've been exhausted physically and mentally for so long that a couple of good nights and a relaxing half hour don't really make a difference beyond the actual time they last. But all the lack of free time and sleep aside the hardest part of all this is the loneliness. I don't care what they say but motherhood lived this way is just not right. Are we really supposed to toil away by ourselves day after day (uh and night after night) with minimal contact to other people, performing the tasks over and over while we pull all the creativity and inspiration and good cheer that is necessary to raise a human out of thin air. Is that what "good" mothers do? They let out a couple of sighs every morning and shake their heads but then they soldier on reaching deep into their basket of daily sacrifices... with a smile on their face. Really? Are you that mother? Email me. We need to talk.
I've tried to connect to other mothers around me, you know looking for some social interaction, some understanding, a place to vent... but with one exception I've not been successful. It is never what I expect. There is the talk about the kids and the household, but doesn't go beyond the obvious surface. Everyone stays within the socially acceptable boundaries of conversation, which exclude the type of honesty that actually facilitates true connection between people. You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself or cause controversy or just plain bother people! And so we all pretend (or so I assume, because for all I know nobody else is feeling lonely and drained running after the kids all day) that we are just so happy being "mommies" and we share tips and recipes and knowingly nod at the campy comments about how tough it is but we all do manage it splendidly after all. It's absurd, but there is constant competition in that nice fake way girls learn in elementary school: whose kid does what, who seems more together, more creative and more responsible, who has the right gear (Honda minivan, Britax carseats, Mclaren stroller...) and of course who knows how to feed the kids their veggies. Seriously, how to get kids to eat their veggies seems to be the biggest crisis among mothers these days.
Why is that? Why can't we say how things really are? I keep telling myself maybe I just haven't given people enough of a chance, but I am tired of trying. I can't go to any more small-talk events. The absence of regular adult conversation is a serious problem for me but those get-togethers leave me with an even greater feeling of loneliness. It's almost better to sit at home wondering if maybe there is someone to hang out with than going out and finding out that really there isn't. Does everyone else already have really good friends that all they need at this point anymore is a strictly "acquaintances only!"-event where they bring a snack and brag about their own motherly acomplishments?
I am bitter tonight. Just to spell it out for you in case you were wondering. I like doing my thing as a mother. I like the kids and the house and my own schedule, but I hate being on my own all the time. It's not easy to make friends, I'm aware. More than anything one needs to be ready to open up and show some vulnerability and take a risk. It's hard to feel drawn to a person who seems to have it all and all together. We're so busy keeping up appearances but then we all go home, sit by ourselves and wonder what if.
Posted at 08:20 PM on October 18, 2006 | Comments (21)Summer is over
Yet you can still reminisce. My husband worked several nights on these albums, depriving himself (and me!) of valuable sleep and/or socializing. Please drop him a comment to show you care. Or else I will have a sobbing mess on my hands.
Posted at 08:31 AM on October 16, 2006 | Comments (5)A heads-up for the grandmas
New movies are up at Veronika's and Ivan's link pages.
Posted at 11:41 AM on October 10, 2006Maybe not an easy read, but very rewarding
This is the best peanut butter cookie (with chocolate chips!) recipe from (of course) "The New Best Recipe" cookbook, which I very strongly recommend. It contains the best version of every classic recipe you ever needed (I made the Chili, Bruschetta and Devil's Food Cake... all flawless.).
Veronika and I made these the other day and they are perfectly soft and crumbly and retain a nice shape.
2 1/2 cups (12 1/2 oz/350g) all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
16 tablespoons (2 sticks, 228g each) unsalted butter, softened but still cool
1 cup packed (7 oz/200g) light brown sugar
1 cup (7 oz/200g) granulated sugar
1 cup extra-crunchy peanut butter (I used creamy, worked out just as nice)
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup salted dry-roasted peanuts, ground in a food processor to resemble bread crumbs
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
Whisk the flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt together in a medium bowl, set aside.
Beat butter with a mixer until creamy, add sugars, beat until fluffy, about 3 minutes. Beat in the peanut butter until fully incorporated, then add the eggs, one at a time, and then the vanilla. Gently stir the dry ingredients into the peanut butter mixture. Add the ground peanuts and chocolate chips and stir gently until just incorporated.
Roll the dough into balls, place on prepared baking sheet. Press each dough ball twice with a dinner fork dipped in cold water to make a crisscross design.
Bake at 350 until cookies are puffed and slightly brown around the edges but not on top, about 10-12 minutes. Cool the cookies on the baking sheet until set, about 4 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack with a spatula and cool completely.
Taste.
I know. You're welcome.