Show Yourselves
It's past 9 pm, I had been trying to get Ivan to stay asleep from 7 o'clock on. I gave up about 10 minutes ago. I was just done. I could still hear him scream, and even though it didn't leave me cold, I had to turn it off in my head. I had reached the end of me for the day.
I have many good days and I have many bad ones. I've been exhausted physically and mentally for so long that a couple of good nights and a relaxing half hour don't really make a difference beyond the actual time they last. But all the lack of free time and sleep aside the hardest part of all this is the loneliness. I don't care what they say but motherhood lived this way is just not right. Are we really supposed to toil away by ourselves day after day (uh and night after night) with minimal contact to other people, performing the tasks over and over while we pull all the creativity and inspiration and good cheer that is necessary to raise a human out of thin air. Is that what "good" mothers do? They let out a couple of sighs every morning and shake their heads but then they soldier on reaching deep into their basket of daily sacrifices... with a smile on their face. Really? Are you that mother? Email me. We need to talk.
I've tried to connect to other mothers around me, you know looking for some social interaction, some understanding, a place to vent... but with one exception I've not been successful. It is never what I expect. There is the talk about the kids and the household, but doesn't go beyond the obvious surface. Everyone stays within the socially acceptable boundaries of conversation, which exclude the type of honesty that actually facilitates true connection between people. You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself or cause controversy or just plain bother people! And so we all pretend (or so I assume, because for all I know nobody else is feeling lonely and drained running after the kids all day) that we are just so happy being "mommies" and we share tips and recipes and knowingly nod at the campy comments about how tough it is but we all do manage it splendidly after all. It's absurd, but there is constant competition in that nice fake way girls learn in elementary school: whose kid does what, who seems more together, more creative and more responsible, who has the right gear (Honda minivan, Britax carseats, Mclaren stroller...) and of course who knows how to feed the kids their veggies. Seriously, how to get kids to eat their veggies seems to be the biggest crisis among mothers these days.
Why is that? Why can't we say how things really are? I keep telling myself maybe I just haven't given people enough of a chance, but I am tired of trying. I can't go to any more small-talk events. The absence of regular adult conversation is a serious problem for me but those get-togethers leave me with an even greater feeling of loneliness. It's almost better to sit at home wondering if maybe there is someone to hang out with than going out and finding out that really there isn't. Does everyone else already have really good friends that all they need at this point anymore is a strictly "acquaintances only!"-event where they bring a snack and brag about their own motherly acomplishments?
I am bitter tonight. Just to spell it out for you in case you were wondering. I like doing my thing as a mother. I like the kids and the house and my own schedule, but I hate being on my own all the time. It's not easy to make friends, I'm aware. More than anything one needs to be ready to open up and show some vulnerability and take a risk. It's hard to feel drawn to a person who seems to have it all and all together. We're so busy keeping up appearances but then we all go home, sit by ourselves and wonder what if.
Posted at 08:20 PM on October 18, 2006
I hear you. I joined a women's Bible study the year after my second was born, and while it was a good experience, my small group never felt small. Near the end of the year a member tearfully shared about her struggle with infertility -- which had been going on all year. But she had never mentioned it, not once. I'm not sure what it is about our culture that dissuades intimacy, but it definitely does.
Sometimes I think that this is one of the ways that God has used my PPD experience -- I felt strongly called to be upfront with people about it. It's something about me that, if you've known me for more than six months, you are familiar with. Not because I want to call attention to myself, but because it's a point of vulnerablilty that I can throw out there, in case someone might need it for the future. Someone did that for me, thank God, and when I was in a pit of despair her words came to me and I realized that I was not alone, that there was someone who had been where I was and was willing to share it with me. Even when we might seem like we have it all together, we have these spots, these pains, past and present experiences that can connect us to each other. And if we hide them, we can't connect. Did that make any sense?
(That said I also think that the fact that everyone lives a 15-minute drive from each other makes it hard to connect too.)
I really wonder if it's always been like this for moms...or is it our generation...
For a long time I thought that it was our area (CT) that created competitive crazy Stepford mommies that I tried to relate to, but finally had to throw in the towel and say this not the person that I am. So I too have one friend in all of Stepford land! Ok - I have no words of wisdom, because well…when it comes to dealing with mothering & loneliness I’m not that wise. I just have to think that this is something that all mothers must face at some point in their lives. I can only imagine how lonely those people are who never share their “spots, these pains, past and present experiences” with anyone.
Dinka, I have no words of wisdom. I'll just say that you've said it all here better than I ever could. I feel just the same way as you: tired, lonely, longing for something deeper (esp. regarding adult friendships). At the same time I guess I have resigned myself to all of this and haven't been fighting it too hard. Because it takes too much energy to do something more, be something more. I'm aware that I should probably even talk to a doctor about the fact that I have no energy and feel tired and behind all the time. But, who has time to make doctor's appointments? I also feel private guilt about how I parent. I love my kids and want to raise them into thoughtful, wise, loving children. Yet, I feel so tired and at my wits' end and find myself hiding in the computer room more than I like to admit! Then, I feel guilty because I do NOT want to teach them by example that we need to live lives as computer zombies!
I wish we could be face to face friends. Maybe then we could try out this "deeper, honest, real-facts" friendship that seems so elusive.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are so insightful and poignant and real.
Ohmygodyouguys! *Fans her face* I totally want to bake you all a pie right now!
mmmmm...pie....
Julie, I'd be happy with a 15-minute-distance, to be honest.
Bec - we need to be strong and represent the rednecks in Stepford!
Lindsey... I know what you mean about the guilt, and also about the exhaustion and the hiding by the computer! It's good to try to improve, but honestly I think we were just not meant to be doing it all by ourselves. It can't be done the way we are told (or we envision it?): work work and work and never refuel properly. It's hard to be a model when you don't have the resources to BE the person you want them to see. By resources I obviously don't mean money, but time, sleep, reflection, education etc etc. Anyway, I hope our kids will feel our intentions through all our mistakes eventually.
You, know, sometimes I wish I could pack my whole family up and go live with the Amish. Imagine, living in a close-knit community, without modern conveniences of course, but SHARING the work, AND the fun, and all the rest... I dream of living in some kind of community where you can actually cook and clean together, because I'm so lonely, I spend too much time on the horrid computer, that I don't have enough time to do all the housework, and I'm not motivated anyway. Get someone to live with me a couple of days though, and I am motivated.
Time, sleep, and reflection sound heavenly actually.
I was just commenting to my dh how neighboring is such a lost art. You just reminded me of that Coucoumelle.
Dinka, a big fat ditto on your post. Preach it, sister.
You, know, sometimes I wish I could pack my whole family up and go live with the Amish.
My Amish neighbor told me there was no way she could raise kids on her own the way I did it. She said to me (exact words) "you just get by the best you can?" When she had a baby, her neighbors would send their teenage daughters over to help her while she recovered.
I stopped going to Mommy groups along time ago because they nauseated me.
Today my midwife asked me if I had any close friends to come help me when the baby is born,and my usual reply is "no, my geographically closest friend is in danbury". Afterwards, I wondered if anyone else I know has friends like that?
whose kid does what, who seems more together, more creative and more responsible, who has the right gear (Honda minivan, Britax carseats, Mclaren stroller...)and of course who knows how to feed the kids their veggies. Seriously, how to get kids to eat their veggies seems to be the biggest crisis among mothers these days.
Another thing! Those conversations literally give me a rash. They are so pointless and skim over anything of true meaning pertaining to motherhood and children. When my daughter was small, I bought her a My Twinn doll. Later, I used to buy accessories for the doll-clothes and little jewelry and matching outfits for Dree. Those conversations always make me envision people's kids like the My Twinn dolls.
Hi, dinka.
I wish I had some answers for you, but I'm not in much better shape (if at all!) than you. I have to say that while I would love some non-virtual friends to hang with, chat with, etc., since I don't, really, I have gotten a lot of those needs met via the computer-- blogs, and a few yahoo groups that seem to fit the bill. Obviously there is a lot of fake mommy stuff on the net as well, but then there are people like you who will post about what it's really like so you know you're not alone... And while it's not the same as real life chats over coffee or whatever, it still lets me feel heard and validated and makes it a bit easier to keep going.
And I know I have mentioned before how horrible year two with my oldest son was, and how my life completely turned around when he started going to all-day early preschool at age two. Not a popular choice, I know, but it saved my life, and was so much better for him than being home all day with a crazed mom. As the kids have gotten older (not that they're all that old now, at 2 and 4) it has gotten easier, though after school when I still have to face six hours with them before bedtime I still sometimes feel like tearing my hair out. But it does get better.
So hang in there, and keep venting. And keep on reading, writing, baking, whatever gives you a mental break from the tedium.
And send me a pie, would you? ;)
Speaking of Amish...before I was Catholic I came to a point where I was dually intrigued with being Amish or being Catholic. Both seemed like a fairytale, though for different reasons. I did realize that I could not and did not really desire (for theological reasons) to be Amish...but I still really admire their tightly-woven and supportive community. Well, what I've heard about it, anyway.
Dinka--pie sounds great. I rarely get up the energy to bake anything these days, although when I'm feeling good (not overwhelmed) baking is something I enjoy. I haven't even made a batch of Pumpkin Muffins yet this fall...and we actually have legitimate fall temperatures even, finally.
Sometime when I get up to your neck of the woods, I hope we can meet up for coffee and dessert. :)
I wish I lived near you, Dinka.
I think the idea of a woman at home alone with children, taking care of her house, is actually very unnatural. The longer I am a SAHM, the more I think this. I don't know what the answer is. I guess it's something about the way society is set up in general, but I can't quite think clearly enough to flesh that out. I just know in my gut that something's not quite right about a woman isloated in her home with her kids.
I, too, have reached out only to be disappointed. I've made some connections, but I found several mom's groups to just be places to bash one's husband and talk about shopping. Oh, and how could I forget, they become places to hit people up to buy Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Arbonne, etc.
Anyway, you're not alone. I like being at home and can't imagine it being any different, but the level if frustration is greater than I expected.
Hi Dinka, this is my first comment, Kate asked whether I had read your post, since I posted something similar last night (although I didn't really talk too much about mothering). All I can say is that I hear you and my experience is the very same. The only thing that has kept me sane is blogging and blog reading... I also got to meet some blogging mothers who live in the Philly area (several of whom are connected to the La Lache League -- I'm applying to become a leader partly because of these connections).
I never went to any mother groups, not even playgroups, because I know almost nobody here (we moved here two years ago). To make matters worst, I am a Ph.D. student and I have a dissertation to finish. My parents came from Brazil (we're Brazilian) to live with us and care for the boys for a year so I could finish the dissertation, but now they're gone and I need to finish on my own.
Sorry for writing so much. I agree that being a mother in these circumstances that we're in is one of the hardest thing one can ever do. Oh, last but not least, I have two boys, 4 1/2 and 2.
I hear you, and it's interesting that you are writing about this now because I've just been having the same discussion with a friend. We were debating whether this could be cultural, as Austrian mommies here seem to be particularly difficult to get to know even though we meet regularly at playgrounds and playgroups, and that for years. But there seems to be a wall around everyone that doesn't allow you to get any closer. So we've been wondering what's it about those Austrians (I am Austrian myself so allow me this generalization ;) ) - that they are so darn difficult to befriend. But your post about your experience in the U.S., which is similar to ours here in Austria, seems to imply this has nothing to do with cultural characteristics in the sense that Americans, as the stereotype goes, are more open and easier to be friends with.
I also think that above all, it's got something to do with chemistry which sparks off a friendship, and that's difficult to find sometimes.
I think it starts with the fact that motherhood is not honored or appreciated in our society. I.E., if you are dumb enough to have kids, then hey, you're on your own. The only remedy to the lonliness of motherhood is to distance your self from you children, go back to work and hire someone for minimum wage to take on the responsibility of raising your kids. But actually encourage, helping, or the notion of helping mothers with their job as a normal part of our culture is stuff for fairy tales.
The Amish have been brought up. In Amish communities, people have children; it's a given. So if you ask a neighbor or your mother (actually, you don't have to ask) for help, they see it as their natural duty to do so. Mothers need help. No lectures from Grandma about "well, if you couldn't handle it, what'd you have another baby for? I did my time."
Look at the way once you become a mother, you are suddenly a pariah. The "fun" is gone. No more movies, dinners, up-to-date fashions. You have to limit your conversations to cheerios and sippy cups lest you look like an irresponsible mother. No one wants to get too close and show each other that they actually still enjoy reading things besides Parents Magazine, that they don't have it all under control,warm bottles in the microwave when no one is looking, and really have no idea what the heck to do when their 2-year old has a tantrum. Or that they may have imperfect marriages...
It's just exile time...
Sorry for so much positivity :)
First of all, the definitely admirable qualities of the Amish aside, I will not give up my washing machine and definitely not my computer.
Second of all, thank you so much for all the comments, I'm still feeling all fuzzy inside.
Maryanne: What is it with the husband bashing? Women seem to bond over that topic, but it makes me feel really awkward. What am I suppose do say? "Gee, your husband really IS a jack*ss!" I also agree that this current state of SAHM-hood is not right. Dani is right - it does feel like we are being "punished" in a way, because the kids are supposed to be our business only.
Lilian, thanks for coming over! I think i've read some of your blog before. Wanna move to Danbury, CT? We have a 10% Brazilian population and hence, Brazilian bakeries, restaurants, clothing stores...
Alice, I'm not sure Austrians like to meet new people. There is a very ingrained sense of suspicion, don't you think? I guess the difference is, the "Austrian" way is not misleading. People truly keep to themselves, whereas here people are open and will have you over for dinner, but they are still keep their guard just as much.
Soo let me see, you guys are in Texas, California, Austria, Spain, Philadelphia and upstate NY. Great. Almost totally close.
First of all, the definitely admirable qualities of the Amish aside, I will not give up my washing machine and definitely not my computer.
Just to clarify, I don't think we should all go out and be Amish. I just think they are a real live example of how things might have changed. Also the difference a different cultural attitude to motherhood makes.
You can't ever go back, only forward. It would be nice to keep our washing machines, computers and just have some support.
Anyway, I just didn't want to sound like the crazy "we need to be Amish" lady. I am crazy enough in other aspects. ;)
I know... it's terrible that other mommies who truly understand what we're all going true are all so far from each other. Blogging helps, but I agree that it can't compare to "real life" interactions. Sigh.
I wrote a long post about this and cited you too! I hope you like it. Blogger should have an outage pretty soon, but hopefully you can check it out after it starts working again.
I've driven through Danbury several times before (on our way from Michigan to Massachusetts where we used to live) sometimes we took 84 and I know there are many Brazilians there... maybe you could try to become friends with Brazilians mothers, we're generally very friendly people :)
Hi. I came here from Lilian's blog. Great post! I am a single mom to 3, work full time as a children's librarian, and can relate to many of these feelings. We are so isolated, and it's getting more so I think. Thank God for blogging! I am the type to be more open with others in writing anyway, but I keep discovering that other women feel what I feel and I never knew that before from face to face conversations. It's really hard to build a close friendship and then one or the other of us always moves away... my best friends are all at a distance. I look forward to reading more of your blog.