Sjeti se svih obecanja blistavih...
I feel like Santuzza, I want to throw myself at the church steps and wail, wrapped in my shawl, desperate, doomed. Dramatic, you think? This post was supposed to be about my new life, my awakening if you will after some long dark 10 months. For over a week now I've been planning to write about how sleeping through the night has given me incredible energy, how I wake up looking forward to spending time with the kids, how I catch myself thinking how awesome they are about 13 times a day, how I am so thankful basking in all this love around me, how I have so much energy for everything, how I am planning new craft projects and social life projects (= friends), how I cannot believe this is what it feels like to get enough sleep. Would've been nice to read, no? Would've been nice to live too, longer than, like, a week and a few days, because you know what I'm about to say. Ivan is back to waking up. Granted, only once or twice a night, but those times he doesn't want to get back to sleep. Add to that the new waking time (5.30 am) he acquired during those sleep-through-nights, but is now keeping during those not-sleep-through-nights and I am back in the pits and can't get out.
I had forgotten how good one can feel with sleep. Those 10 days made me see just how much sleeplessness messed up my life. I was so "off" on most days, but lost the perspective because there were too few good days to compare them too. I woke up angry, bossing the kids around, feeling like every day was one big insurmountable obstacle. I dreaded everything and just thinking about doing something made me feel exhausted. All I tried to do is make it until the night, so I could catch up. And then I never could. When I finally got several nights in a row of uninterrupted sleep and felt what life was like that way, I "woke up" to myself and realized I am actually not a screaming lunatic like I thought, it was just the sleeplessness talking (screaming).
Here I am "back", I can feel the crazy taking over my mind. Ivan had a few bad nights and while this could still be just a relapse, I am freaking out, because I will. not. go. back. to. not. sleeping. I feel like I was let out of prison for a week and now I'm back, locked up, forced to live with my head messed up, my energy gone, my optimism verboten. I feel I need to do something, I need to prevent this, and while I know I can try things that might work there is the sinking feeling that there is nothing ultimately that can be done, but just walk through it again for however long it takes and wait it out.
Have I mentioned how much I detest being in this situation? Do you want to know how I "really" feel? DO you? Do I need to let the crazy out?
Posted at 09:50 AM on January 24, 2007
When I have a new baby, I always wonder why it seems to go by so quickly with very little memories, then afterwards I almost mourn the time lost. Finally with number six it occured to me early babydom is just a haze of exhaustion and diapers.Like I am on autopilot until sleeping schedules are a little more regular.
I hate how grumpy I am. I hate how grumpy I am and the horrible circles under my eyes more than the lack of sleep itself.
Sleep, sleep, sleep! I can't get enough of it EVER! And at this point it is really my own fault. When the kids are finally in bed, I sit down to do something and then WHAM, it is already 1:00 or 2:00 AM. WHAT!? Well, I don't do that on work days (Sunday night-Tuesday night) but the other nights I have to remind myself to head on to bed or I'll be paying the consequences.
Recently I was getting a pretty good night's sleep and two of our kids were sick in the same night. Oh gosh, I totally forgot what it was like to be up all night taking care of kids.
The funniest thing is that after our first son was born, we took a trip to Germany and didn't seem to have any jet lag. We realized later that there wasn't much of a difference between jet lag and just plain being up night after night taking care of a baby. In fact, having Oma there to help take care of our son meant we actually got MORE sleep than we had been getting at home.
So, what I really wanted to say is: HANG IN THERE! I can totally relate and if you are a total screaming lunatic, it's ok, it's normal, it's expected. So, scream away until you do "let the crazy out" and you can explain later. :-)
I read this last week, but didn't have time to respond. I feel for you, believe me. I know how bad it feels, even though it never was that bad for me (or maybe I've forgotten all about it).
I hope it gets better soon. The cruelest thing is this shattering of hopes, isn't it? It works for a few days then it doesn't anymore.
I also needed to say that I finally added you to my blogroll a few weeks ago.
Thanks for the commiserating, girls. Things might be looking up again, but pssst, you didn't hear it from me...
I think I'm addicted to sleep. I didn't know it until I had a baby, but I am. Once I get a little, I just can't get enough.
hmm, I've realized the same thing as Pansy, babydom is just a sleepless haze...
oh and I do the same thing as Corey,... because otherwise, when do you have time to do relaxing stuff?
Nicky is almost 14 months and I still sleep with the kid... I figure, all in good time. For now it's easier this way, and I'm in no hurry for him to grow up.
Don't you love the irony of life though? When you finally get the kid to sleep at 9:00 pm and you go to bed too and you think "TONIGHT, I will catch up on my sleep!" But that is the night that one of the older ones gets sick, or you wake up at 2:00 am and can't get back to sleep, or..."