... and the living is not so easy
Well, school is out. It's only preschool, so Veronika is home 2.5 hours more than usual. I was dreading it at first - as I am supposed to, it seems. It will be two kids to entertain, morning and afternoon, with a couple of hours of break in the middle... for almost three months. But then it ocurred to me that I prefer Veronika to be around when Ivan is awake. There's two of us to distract/entertain him. They have been getting better at "playing" together. Somewhat. There is a lot of non-sharing involved and angry shrieking by Ivan. Still, the dynamic is different. Ivan is so attached to me, that being at home alone with him is exhausting. Veronika though will have crazy ideas and he will willingly follow as a little brother has to.
I also realized that having more time on our hands means we need to get organized and creative and I started making a mental list of all the things we can do. We can go to the beach one day, the spray park another, the library storytimes on Tuesdays maybe, then a trip to the grocery store with its adjacent petting zoo... and I can plan some painting and playdoh activities with Veronika when Ivan is asleep. Turns out, I got really excited about summer. Is this the foolishness of a freshman mother, who has no idea about the real torture that is summer vacation? I don't know. If it is, I will enjoy it while it lasts.
Having a (almost) four-year-old child is fun. I didn't know about the possibilities. I am seeing the beginning of having two kids that walk, talk and enjoy stuff and I can't wait for it to really start. At night I lie in bed and look at Veronika, sprawled all over her mattress (she sleeps in our room right now) and pictures of our day come back to me and I just can't believe it. Parenthood is funny. The ordinary feelings of exhaustion and annoyance interrupted by absolute awe at that ordinary fact... that your kids exist. Will there be enough days - is what I end up worrying about... will there be enough days to see it all happen.
But I got off track here. Summer is here and I'm happy. At the end they will wear me out, as always, but for now I'm ready to take it on.
Posted at 09:58 PM on June 24, 2007 | Comments (5)Ganas de comerme el mundo
I don't know if it was the weaning, or maybe coming within 5 lbs of my prepregnancy weight, or spring, or sleeping through the night for months in a row... but I find myself driven with renewed energy. I've been cleaning (the garage, the whole garage!) and clearing out old stuff (freecyle!) and bursting with ideas what to sew and make and unfortunately for my wallet also longing for all kinds of pretty things. I want shoes and dresses and skirts and accessories... all the girly things shall be mine! mine! mine!
It's been a long two years. From my experience this is what it takes to make a human being and bring him to the first vital stage of walking/talking/eating semi-independently. Two years. Every time I get pregnant, even before, I know this is what I'm looking at: 24 months of major adjustment of my own body, my own thoughts, my own projects. The one and only project takes over completely about 4 weeks from the beginning of its existence and the first birthday is the first milestone at which I can let out a tiny sigh of relief. The worst (physical) part is over. And really, it seems like all the energy has been handed back to me: Here, here's your sleep, here's all the calories you used on gestating, here, take the time you spent sitting around feeding, oh and the time you spent figuring out why he's crying. Back to me, the rightful owner...
It's not like the kids don't wear me out now, but I bounce back more easily. I'm tasting a bit of freedom and I'm clinging to it with my life. I gave it conciously and the results are cute and funny and dimpled, but now, oh, just a little bit of freedom for me. My body not tormented, my thoughts unrestricted, my sleep (mostly) guaranteed. My shoes cute. My hair just right.
Posted at 10:03 PM on June 09, 2007 | Comments (3)Again
I was getting ready to write something, already late, already giving myself way too little time. Then. "Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Ivan is up. Only two hours of napping today. I'm not ready. I'm never ready for him to wake up. My whole self is yelling back "nooooooooooooooo!". But it's useless. Resistance is futile. I Will have to drag myself back to work. I don't want to. I'm tired. Somebody do something.
Mamaaa! Mamaaa...