Worth it
Why is it that every time you mention how kids are tiring or how hard it is to raise them, someone will always end up saying "Oh but it's so worth it!". As if it has to be said out loud lest someone should think we don't love our children... because you know, if it's really that HARD we wouldn't have them, right? I used to try to explain myself, sure I must have been misunderstood. Now I get annoyed and change the subject, because really, how irrelevant is that remark? I especially don't appreciate it if someone says it to me, almost like trying to make excuses for my negative comments.
Only my comments were not negative regarding my children, my comments were negative regarding the challenges and subsequent exhaustion taking care of children will create. This distinction somehow is lost on most people, because what is implied in the above comment is that things should not be hard, especially not things we have "control" over (another topic for itself). There is that component of ... "maybe you shouldn't have had children then if you are not enjoying it that much." Funny how you don't hear these comments when it comes to job related problems. How many times have you heard a person complain about their job and the another insist on saying "Oh, but it's all worth it in the end!" Well, duh. That was not the point. Of course it's worth it, you make a living, you have a place to live, food to eat. Everyone understands that, just complain away! You don't enjoy studying for your exams? Did anyone tell you "Oh, maybe you should quit studying, you know, if it's THAT hard." or "Maybe you should quit trying to become a doctor... if you really dislike staying up all night." Maybe I missed something and it's true that only those people who truly enjoy staying awake for 24 hours work in hospitals.
This way of thinking bothers me. Not only does it put incredible pressure on parents: "Look happy! Enjoy parenting all the time!", but their satisfaction is seen as the measure of love for their children, which must be directly related to the children's value. How much are children worth? This much work or this much fun? Depending on that we wil decide if they should be around and how many. What is this? How do we put value on human beings? The conversation stops for me right there - when I feel I need to justify the existence of my children, because apparently they do not make me happy enough to be worth having. I exaggerate? Perhaps. I'm not way off though. It is not uncommon practice to view other people's worth only in relation to what use they are to us and our needs.
When I had Veronika I felt the cold breeze of loneliness, not just in the traditional sense, but also in the sense of having done this to myself. We wanted a child and here it is, my own business, nobody else's. If I find it hard, if I am searching for answers... I should've thought about that before. You know, there's a way to prevent "that" and if we didn't, we have to deal with "it" ourselves. As if. As if new human beings are not everybody's business.
What are the options for a mother - drown herself in the silly details of babylife and love every minute of it because that means it was worth it? But if that doesn't work where can you go to find the spiritual strength to bear the minutes you don't love? How do you become (or continue to be) the person your children need you to be? I joined the moms groups, I heard the playground chatter, the waiting room exchanges. Nobody talks about that. We talk about gear, real estate and a little child development. We can dumb ourselves down and just go with the precut image of the suburban mom, doing what the script suggests. The childen-having-part - apparently unrelated to things like vocation, wanting to make a difference in the world (It's not JUST about recycling!), wanting to be of service or finding meaning.
I don't need it easy. I wish for it sometimes, but I don't really want it. I don't mind it hard, but I do wish for help, for motivation, for support. I'm not talking about better gear though, or just relief from a babysitter (although, you know, to that I will never object.), I'm talking about being taken seriously, needing some mental and emotional nourishment to be able to give it back to these new people, who are either going to make people happy or very unhappy one day, depending on what I did and who I was, whether I had fun or not.
It is popular to say this, but it fits: It's all about fun these days. But really, how much fun can you have? It comes and goes, mostly it goes. You then try to escape... and arrive in the picture-perfect-picket-fence suburban existence, the kind of stuff depressing movies are made of (Little children, American Beauty, The Ice Strom, etc.). It's ironic, I'm supposed to want that, yet someone will make a movie how silly and small it all is.
It's not like I don't see that some people really mean well when they make that comment. My frustration is born out of the disregard for the real value of raising children I feel around me and this particular sentence really drives the point home, because it so neatly pushes everything aside. I want to talk about how important this is to me and how it takes my all and how to get on with it, instead I'm asked to constantly reaffirm that I'm feeling light and cheerful and happy.
I find it all unexplainable. If I have to tell you it's all worth it, you don't get it.
I couldn't agree more. You've put this so well!
Though I must say, it may be different here, somewhat. My neighbor (who has two under two, or maybe her oldest is over two now, I don't really know) would always talk about how hard it is and how much she doesn't enjoy all the trips to the park all the time etc. We are friendly but not close, yet she felt secure saying that to me (on many occasions.) I'm trying to think of other examples, but I don't actually have many conversations with other mothers, I think. But for example, no one thought it was strange of me to put my kids in daycare starting at age two despite not working outside the home. So maybe expectations are different.
Hi Dinka! Greetings from Chicago. I've been reading your fabulous column on MLL.
Same thinking here :D. I didn't feel the challenge when I had only one kid, but after the 2nd one arrived, I can really feel the challenge of motherhood.
It has been too long since I've visited your blog, Dinka. Thank you for this post. You put into words what's really been weighing on my heart lately.
So now what's your advice for how to change the world and fix this, huh?