This post is stinky
I deal with way too much crap daily. I mean that literally. Excrement. Poop. Sh... you know. There are times when I realize I just went from butt-wiping (not mine, I happen to be a lady) to poop-collecting (Digby's) in an elegant 5 minutes and I didn't think much of it. It's just what I do! Call me poopyhead. So funny. Ha ha.
It's one of those things people beyond (or ignorant of) motherhood will talk about in a sweetly reminscing voice: "Oh, diaper changing!" As if it was just that cute little thing mothers do. What's a little poop. Yeah, well. Let's talk about my son for an instance. He is what, 17 months now and I'm still waiting for him to produce poop appropriate for his age. You know what I mean? You don't? Think.
Maybe I was just spoiled having had a girl before, who was like a clock (during or after naptime, every day, ONCE) and like a lady (compact, acceptable size, uncomfortable but tolerable odor level). Now the boy... heaven help us! Once a day is a rare treat, twice is regular, thrice is a good possibility. There are never enough wipes, half the time he needs a shower and the sheets need to be changed. The entire floor is a toxic zone. Where did it all come from? Not from my little angel! I'd say someone is framing him, but the evidence is just too, uh, evident.
And so I wipe and I wash and wash some more, trying to get it off my fingers having given up on the contaminated air. The best part is that more often than not he will start the day off like this. I hear him calling me around 7 am and I stumble into his room, ready to ease us into the morning with a bottle of milk and some cuddles, but nooooo... there he is grinning from ear to ear wrapped in poo in a big cloud of stink and I am just trying to make sense of it all. It's just what you would it expect it to be like: You wake up in your cozy bed, the world is still fresh and dewy, you are disoriented and so vulnerable. BAM. 30 seconds later you are elbow deep in poop, showering the boy, washing the tub, disposing of the diaper. Disaster recovery.
Lincoln says for today's incident we should blame the Pasta e fagioli soup I made yesterday and that Ivan loves so much. I'd accept that if somebody could promise me that tonight's dinner is going to make him poop roses tomorrow. Anybody? I thought so. On the other hand, I think I am looking at the perfect revenge strategy. 15 years from now, when I will really need some ammunition, I will whip it out at just the right time: Son, let me tell you about the time the internet heard all about your elimination habits! In fact, I happen to have a printout... bwahahaha!
The soup though is delicious. Here:
Paste e fagioli soup
(from At home with Magnolia cookbook)
8 Main dish servings
1lbs great northern beans, dried
1/2 cup olive oil (I use less)
3 cups chopped yellow onion
1/4 cup minced gralic (I use less of this too, maybe 2 cloves)
8-10 cups chicken stock
3 14.5 oz cans diced tomatoes with juice
1/4 lbs spaghettini cooked al dente, cut in small pieces
1/4 lb penne or ziti, cut in half (I use any leftover pasta I have)
1/4 fusili or rotelle, cut in half
1.5 tsps Italian Seasoning
1/4 tsp ground black pepper (I eyeball this)
Grated parmesan
Soak beans overnight (or quick soak by boiling them for 2 minutes, then let stand for an hour), drain.
Heat oil in pan, add onion and garlic and simmer for 10 minutes.
Add 8 cups of stock, tomatoes, drained beans and bring to boil.
Reduce heat to medium and simmer covered for 2.5 hours.
Puree 6 cups of the soup in batches. Mix it back into the soup.
Stir in the pasta.
Season and cook uncovered 10 more minutes. Add stock if necessary (It usually is, but make sure the soup stays thick)
Serve with grated cheese (And crusty bread!)
What's worse is when we are visiting someone...
Hahahaha! I love that you ended the poop entry with a recipe!!
Every word you wrote is intimately familiar to me. My 2 year old has the same "habits." Multiple times a day, no solid form (hence, mess everywhere), horrible stink...I think yesterday he had 3. I would worry that this is TMI, but you wrote it all yourself, already. :D
But he's so stinkin' cute, and sweetly precocious to boot, so it's easy for me to forgive him. That's what moms do, right? :)
Lindsey... here's a hug, because you got my smelly humor. I don't think lincoln was very happy to hear the poop/recipe combo was not an accident. It's funny! He doesn't think so. But the is also the lady in this house.
So you're telling me there is no near end to this in sight? Yuck.