Cut off
Some of the things I wanted to do with my non-pregnant and non-nursing energy were going to be of the crafty kind. I had so many ideas, so much excitement to use my fingers and mind for handmade things, I had reorganized all my equipment, lined up all the pattern books I'd gotten over the last few years. I was going to make things! It might appear to some a little silly that those would be the first things I wanted to do with new-found time and energy, but in my world it makes a lot of sense. In very many necessary ways turning ideas into objects is at the other side of the work spectrum when compared with raising children. It is self-guided and uninterrupted and creative, but most of all it is not Useful. Housework and children make for hard work, but of the same kind. It's all very purposeful and self-explanatory. It can add up to a wonderful life, don't get me wrong, but for me it feels as if in a way I'm using only one side of my body, only one hand or only one eye.
I don't have scientific psychologial data to prove this, but I know without a doubt, that creating beautiful things for the sake of just that - creating beautiful things - lets me use the other side of me and in the process helps renew the usually overextended half.
I have a few projects on hold now because I'm just too sick to do anything but sit around and wait for time to pass (oh and constantly think about food). I'm again surprised how nausea completely cuts off the desire for anything. I remember the things I was working on or I look through a magazine and where I usually would feel inspired I just remember those feelings as if it was some tv program I once saw. It all feels removed and unreal and it's hard to believe I ever felt differently.
I wonder what life is like for men. Always the same hormonal setup. No major natural changes. No being thrown from indifference to hysteria, from incredible fatigue to oddly busy nesting urges. If you detect jealousy, you are right. How does one ever describe what being at the mercy of nature's rigorous human-creation-project is like? Seemingly we are the same on the outside, but on the inside, it is complete hormonal mayhem and even if I've been there before twice and know it is temporary and extraordinary I still wonder whether I'll ever feel normal again...
Posted at 10:04 AM on September 29, 2007 | Comments (4)Three
This pregnancy happened a little (a lot!) sooner than I would've chosen myself. When the two lines on the test appeared I can't say I was ecstatic. I don't think I was even close to happy. I am coming around now and I'm glad because pregnancy is hard as it is, I don't need a negative attitude. It's not that I didn't want more children. I did. I was counting on it. I was just ready for a little break. I felt like I had just gotten to a more stable point in my life with regular sleeping, no nursing, children that play together... you know.
I love what three means for our family. I love the idea of three and I don't think I can ever be unhappy about another child. I'm just not happy what three means for me in terms of physical and mental exhaustion for the next two years approximately. At the same time this is how we have chosen to live our lives. Conscious that we are not masters of it and that living it right means not trying to have everything under perfect control at all times. On many days I want to throw these noble thoughts out of the window. Then again, I know I can't. I don't like what I would be left with.
That said, I am very glad about all the happy comments to the previous post. When you're not feeling so happy yourself reading the nice sentiments helps brighten the perspective. Allconsuming nausea is currently successfully distracting me from being completely absorbed by my fear of how I'm going to survive all of this. Nothing like a ton of nausea "helping" you out...
So. Three. Reassure me, mothers!
Yes, it's exactly what you think it is.
(Click on it, hover over the picture to find out what you're looking at)
Souzek #3 coming in May next year!
Posted at 07:12 AM on September 23, 2007 | Comments (11)Irresistible
I know he's my son and all and so my opinion doesn't count, but my goodness the cuteness: Trouble with an I
Posted at 06:13 PM on September 17, 2007 | Comments (0)Completely irrelevant but exciting tidbit
Last weekend we took a trip to New York City as we attempt to do every fall. Well, we attempt it more often, but we just don't seem to manage to until it's fall and we think: must go to NYC now! The strategy is to find a park in our guide first and then plan the trip around that location. We picked Carl Schurz Park this time, which is on the Upper East Side and right on the East River. It has a really nice promenade and a big shady playground. Most of the pictures you can admire at the kids site, but let me present you this one, which didn't make the cut, but is important...
... so you can memorize the play structure and then look at the following links:
http://www.pittwatch.com/angelina-jolie-at-the-playground/
http://thesuperficial.com/image.php?path=/2007/09/0907_angelina_jolie_zahara_purse_07.jpg
http://omg.yahoo.com/brad-on-daddy-duty/photos/535#id=5
I'm almost a little glad we weren't there at the same time, because I couldn't have helped staring, which is sort of depressing, because I don't like to add to the constant attention they're getting. I mean, the people are taking their kids to the park, leave them alone! Then again... I can't help but feeling star struck...
ETA: Comments are temporarily out of service... sorry!