Cut off
Some of the things I wanted to do with my non-pregnant and non-nursing energy were going to be of the crafty kind. I had so many ideas, so much excitement to use my fingers and mind for handmade things, I had reorganized all my equipment, lined up all the pattern books I'd gotten over the last few years. I was going to make things! It might appear to some a little silly that those would be the first things I wanted to do with new-found time and energy, but in my world it makes a lot of sense. In very many necessary ways turning ideas into objects is at the other side of the work spectrum when compared with raising children. It is self-guided and uninterrupted and creative, but most of all it is not Useful. Housework and children make for hard work, but of the same kind. It's all very purposeful and self-explanatory. It can add up to a wonderful life, don't get me wrong, but for me it feels as if in a way I'm using only one side of my body, only one hand or only one eye.
I don't have scientific psychologial data to prove this, but I know without a doubt, that creating beautiful things for the sake of just that - creating beautiful things - lets me use the other side of me and in the process helps renew the usually overextended half.
I have a few projects on hold now because I'm just too sick to do anything but sit around and wait for time to pass (oh and constantly think about food). I'm again surprised how nausea completely cuts off the desire for anything. I remember the things I was working on or I look through a magazine and where I usually would feel inspired I just remember those feelings as if it was some tv program I once saw. It all feels removed and unreal and it's hard to believe I ever felt differently.
I wonder what life is like for men. Always the same hormonal setup. No major natural changes. No being thrown from indifference to hysteria, from incredible fatigue to oddly busy nesting urges. If you detect jealousy, you are right. How does one ever describe what being at the mercy of nature's rigorous human-creation-project is like? Seemingly we are the same on the outside, but on the inside, it is complete hormonal mayhem and even if I've been there before twice and know it is temporary and extraordinary I still wonder whether I'll ever feel normal again...
Posted at 10:04 AM on September 29, 2007
Wow Dinka, what a great post. You have a fantastic way of putting things. I have never wondered before, "what life is like for men?" in view of their steady hormones. I also thought this line was interesting: "I just remember those feelings as if it was some tv program I once saw." Yes. Keep writing--you certainly have a great talent there. And I bet the crafting will make its way back to you in due time.
So sorry about the nausea-- I know what that's like. You may find that for a window of time after that leaves and before the third trimester symptoms get going, you'll have the energy and desire to delve into a few of those projects. I hope it comes soon (though I know it feels eternal...)
Take care!
Wonderful post! You've managed to describe what I've been going through for-like-ever, and I haven't been pregnant in years. I'm just generally hormonal and emotionally erratic lately. Thankfully, I've managed to keep the really BIG feelings at bay, but oy! When will this roller coaster just stop already?!?
Oh, and yes on the monotony, or rather the monotony (as I see it) of using the one eye and the one hand as per your illustration. How very true!
April and I were talking about this recently, actually. We were talking about how there are all these things we used to do before we were parents that we don't do now. We just don't have time for them now because, like you say, they aren't essential to everyday life. They're things we enjoyed doing and things that made us feel more like us - like say going for a run or taking a pottery class or cooking a nice meal or even just going on dates as a couple.
At the end of our conversation we decided that it's easy to put our daughter Alleke first all the time, but in the end, that's not what's best for her. What's best for Alleke is to see that we (her parents) are involved in all kinds of different activities that we think are meaningful and worth our time - like physical exercise and the arts and even romance as a couple. For me, I don't want Alleke just to know me as her dad. I want her to know me as many other things as well - as a well-rounded person.
I hope that makes sense...