In short: Time is passing.
I've said this before I believe: I don't consider myself a baby-person. Twelve months of nursing and carrying and rocking to sleep is just about enough for me. It's a lovely stage, despite the devastatingly little amount of sleep, but still... I never get wistful about it. Maybe that's still to come.
But anyway, I have two kids now that have definitely moved on from babyhood and for the first time I am finding out what it's like to have children, not just babies. Two things are happening: one, Veronika is no longer a toddler and two, my children play together. In some ways I am becoming a parent all over again, because dynamics are shifting so strongly. I didn't know family could be like this, not from this perspective and it makes me SO happy. I suppose things are moving into the set-up that I was envisioning before I had children, when I thought of lots of people around the table talking, and not me frantically feeding screaming mouths. I'm living with two little people now, who are gradually showing their own personalities and we are turning into a family as opposed to two adults with babies .
I have conversations with Veronika now, we talk about the books we read or what happened in preschool or what we'll do for Christmas and she shows preferences for what to do, what to wear and I can tell her emotional life is getting more complicated, too. Not such great news for me, as I realize I have to be more careful and the opportunities to mess up are endless, but I am still so in love with it all. I didn't know what it was like to have older children and I feel like the gift I got in August 2003 is still just being opened. These feelings are so precious to me, because motherhood seems so basic sometimes and seeing your children develop into people, partially with your help, is what closes the circle in a way. I've been feeling liberated from just feeding and cleaning these oblivious seeming little creatures and have found myself just enjoying their company. I truly see this as a gift, because the work is so hard sometimes, there is no time or energy to enjoy your kids... at the end of the day they sometimes really remind me too much of work to want to hang out with them.
Ivan is still quite little of course and there is a lot (LOT) of whining involved, but I see already that his toddlerhood is different than Veronika's, because he has a big sister and he is constantly challenged by her in one way or another. I love, love watching them interact. For them, their relationship is a given, taken for granted, like the air they breathe. They are not aware, but I am and I consider this my bonus, my... time. They are synchronized sometimes, feeding off of each other's moods and energy, they thrive on the togetherness... until things get too close, too much and they will extricate themselves recklessly, physically if necessary, but it is obvious that this doesn't change anything in the end. They are brother and sister and they love each other. Naturally.
People call these "precious moments", which they are, but they are more than that, they are the eternal kind in my opinion. There's two kinds of moments in life, the practical and insignificant ones and the eternal ones which show a permanent reality, moments like birth or moments of love. The circumstances and surroundings are just as fleeting and insignificant, but the content will stay. And so I've had lots of these lately - to the point where I realize things are going to be different. I will have a small baby again and in some ways start over, but I have my older children to remind me where it's all going and what things could (will) be like eventually. There is no better feeling to make you excited about having another one. They will fit right in, the love will literally multiply and there will be another present to open for years and years to come. With lots of gray hair on my part and slightly jittery fingers and big bags under my eyes. But what can I do... I'm just a fool.
Posted at 09:57 AM on November 28, 2007
Thats beautiful! Iam feeling the same way but I could never put in words like you..
This is a beautiful, wonderful post. I'll have to come back to savor every word because now I really have to go to bed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Wonderful.