"Congratulations!" is the only acceptable reaction
I knew it was only a matter of time, yet I was still caught off guard:
- Are you pregnant?!
- Yes
- Wow... when are you due?
- May
- Wow... (frozen smile, awkward silence).. so that's your third, huh. So how many children are you going to have?!!
- (totally unprepared to discuss this with an almost stranger) Uhm... I don't.. know..?
- Really?! You're just going to keep HAVING THEM?!! WOW. (short pause, looking for something nice to say) Well, you are SO much more patient then me!
- Uhm.. ah. (awkward smile, while I make a quick exit)
And another one:
- Are you pregnant?! (funny how there is never a "How are you" or "Hello" in these cases)
- Yes
- (nods, cannot muster a smile, awkward silence) When are you due?
- May
- (more awkward silence, stands there, VISIBLY looking for a positive sounding, yet clear word of disapproval) Well, GOOD THING you're having them all SO close together!
- (totally ignoring the passive agressiveness) I'm really excited actually, I....
- Was it planned? Excited about what? Oh, the pregnancy... oh, nevermind then.
- (I semi-smile and turn away ending the conversation)
Oh no, you did NOT just ask me if it was planned. I have spoken to you twice in my life, lady. Maybe three times. One of them certainly having been "Good morning" and the other "Goodbye". Mind you the two conversations above where with two different people, both barely acquaintances, but they were not the only ones to ask me how many children I'm planning on having. I can't get over this fact. I can't get over the fact that this is acceptable conversation, that strangers feel comfortable asking me about one of the most personal areas of my life. How is that ok? People have way more respect and reserve when it comes to money. No one in their right mind would consider asking me about my financial situation, or my health history or even my marriage, but somehow asking me what my husband and I have decided with regards to our reproduction and family size is a conversation I am supposed to be ready to have at a moment's notice at the grocery store or the preschool drop-off.
I know. It's the belly. It just screams to be touched and commented on. A pregnant belly has this big sign on it: "I had sex and I went all the way and didn't stop the unthinkable and here it is, the result of my uncontrolled love, and since everyone can see it now, please go ahead and tell me what you think of me and this monumental occurrence. It's my own fault for going public with my love life, because obviously I should know by now how to prevent THAT." Of course, about the child running around me you will only gush over but the one covered by a few layers of skin is a free-for-all. Doesn't matter that I'm still its mother standing in front of you, you just go ahead and discuss whether its existence is justified or recommendable in your eyes. Do I sound angry? It's because I am. It's my baby you are talking about, to me it doesn't matter if you can see it or not, it's still just my child.
People will disagree, but I do firmly believe that this development has something to do with the fact that our society has neatly decided to separate sex and reproduction. One is ok anytime, the other only in certain cases and only when its timing was specifically desired and orchestrated by the parents. (But even then your judgement might differ from other people's so be prepared to listen to their opinion on what you should've done.) It's like this, you have a headache, you pop a pill. You don't want to get pregnant? You pop a pill. And therefore because it is so easy and duh! obvious, it's ok for this to be public conversation. But you see... those two things are not really the same. I have never ever experienced this much public interest for my headache. What's it to them? Apparently everything. The curiosity, the need to meddle and compare and include their own history and ideas about this subject will override any leftover sense of privacy and boundaries they might have left.
I'm just left with regret... about all the things I should've said. The good comebacks I can only think of afterwards ("Just tell them: "Gotta hurry, we have to make it to 17!" says my smart husband) or the simple questions I should've asked back: "Why are you asking?" or "That's a very personal question, don't you think?" or, if I feel particularly mean: "Were you planned?" I find this very hard to do, because in the moment I can feel that the person isn't aware of the enormous social no-no they've just committed, or my hurt feelings for that matter. So then it's up to me to make them aware and that will cause embarassment on their part (ideally) and I'm just not used to doing that... embarass people, not consciously at least. Unfortunately I might get plenty opportunity to practice.
Posted at 09:53 AM on December 05, 2007
I can totally relate to this post! But get ready, there's always the "Whoa! You've got your hands full!" comment. (Starting at the really big belly phase) That always gets me. What does it really mean? Usually it's said with a look that indicates "I'm glad it's you, not me." Arrggghh...people are so rude!
Ok, I forgot to add my other favorite comment: me:(holding a 2 week old baby, my other 2 are climbing all over me) them: "So, are you ready for another one yet? (smirk)
:-O
Yeah, I don't like "you've got your hands full either". It totally means: "Oh you silly little woman, what have you gotten yourself into..." Yeah and also relief it's not them. Why do people have to say anything at all?
Dinka, I really like this post! I wonder if there is a country left in this world where people don´t behave that way. By the way, I really like the question "Were you planned?"
I wonder how the reaction would be...
Wow Dinka, what terribly embarrassing situation you've had to face lately (and most probably will keep on facing until the baby is born)! No wonder you feel angry. I also wish I could respond quickly and wittily to strangers' rude remarks, but I'm just like you, I only think of things to say many minutes, sometimes hours, later.
This is a great post, particularly when you talk about sex and the way that people want to separate it from reproduction and babies. Great point!
I hope your skin gets thicker and your tongue quicker and quicker as the pregnancy progresses and the comments mount.
There is this one man at Church who never, EVER fails to come up to me after every-single-mass to comment on how full my hands must be. (Actually in French they say something like "It must be a lot of sport") I am starting to dread it. It never changes. And I just stand there and nod my head and smile.
My personal favourite: "Oh, you are so courageous." You know who's courageous? That crazy woman who works in a daycare center and has to put up with not one, not two, but SIX two-and-three-year-olds ALL day. At least mine are varying ages and some of them are now quite independant, thank you very much.
Yes, how terribly rude! I actually haven't gotten the question of how many we are planning to have, maybe because here three is like the very outside limit so it doesn't even occur to anyone to think there might be more coming. Anyway, I love the answer, "That's a very personal question, don't you think?" Enough to make them stop and think, but not snarky so they just get annoyed and miss the point.