If you were spiritually vain you'd call it "dying to yourself", but it's just plain old "giving up"
You get up on a weekend and think: "Today I want to spend a few hours on the internet looking at pretty things, then sit down at my brand-new sewing table and spend a few hours making pretty things. Maybe some music in the background. Then I want to talk to some friends and watch What Not to Wear reruns, undisturbed. All that time I will not look at my watch or scan my brain for a to-do list. I will not check the dirty laundry hamper. Dinner will be purchased and delivered. I will just have the perfect, slow day."
And after you've thought about that for a while, you get up, make the kids breakfast, discipline them a little, clean up, run the dishwasher. While you attempt to convince them to entertain themselves you look at your watch, scan your brain for the to-do-list and check the laundry hamper.
Then you pause and look for feelings of disappointment or sadness. Nothing. Your emotional thermometer says: *shrug*. "Yeah, that's what I was thinking" you say to yourself.
Posted at 09:48 AM on March 30, 2008 | Comments (2)What I'll be making this week
The Striezel was a holiday staple in my parents' house (well, after we moved to Austria). You want to make this. It freezes very well, so I always make it ahead of time. Please appreciate all the work I took to photograph this for you, step by step (Click here to see the whole flickr set).
Posted at 04:03 PM on March 17, 2008The last few weeks... installment #1.
Let me start with the moving. I've been wanting to write for a while, but all I could ever think of was how tired I was and how exhausted. Those were my two main topics. Who wants to read about that, really. So. The good part: We moved and I love the new place. It's been a month now and I'm still feeling very relieved and happy when I look around me. It's just like I was hoping it would be and I'm surprised how nice surroundings affect my mood so positively. I mean, it makes sense that a nice place makes you feel good, but then again I wouldn't have liked to admit earlier, to what extent it actually influences my daily outlook on things. For one, this place is much more cheerful... because of the interior colors, the high ceilings, the additional light (natural and artificial) and a smart distribution of space. There a lot of other details that help, like nice doors, window frames, fixtures and stuff. I'm not usually someone to think much about fixtures and countertops, but I do appreciate that someone else does, because now I get to benefit. I realize now that I had gotten used to a lot of things in the old place, that nevertheless kept bugging me in the background. Every time I'd look in that corner or the other I'd see something that needed improvement, yet I had no possibility to change it, so eventually I just kept looking away and that created a permanent state of discomfort. Still not a big deal in the scheme of things, not so relevant when it comes to the meaning of life and similar issues, but quite unhelpful when your life is already chaotic and frantic and lacking in the quiet-enjoyment-of-things-department. So yeah, the new place is nicer. It makes me feel more calm, more peaceful... which are quite high on my wishlist. I am very grateful for that.
And then... the new place also has more space, but very usefully arranged for our lifestyle. I have been able to solve so many little organizational problems, so much so, that I am a little frightened and embarassed that such practical and mundane things like hooks and recycling bags can make me so happy! It's been a month now and I still marvel at the fact that now I have space for a separate recycling trash bin in my pantry, which will be picked up by the regular trash removal company instead of me having to sort it all in the garage and then drive it (yet another errand!) to the local recycling company. Also, I have a pantry! I don't need to go to the garage to get a new box of cereal. I have my washer and dryer by my bedroom! Yet another garage trip saved. I am caught up with laundry for the first time in months! I have enough lighting to iron in the living room. I can see the tv from the kitchen! A window by the sink! A stove with a timer! Hooks and cubbies in the entryway, so the kids can reach it and hang their own stuff. Enough room for toys! The windows in the kids' rooms low enough so they can look outside... On and on goes the list.
Maybe it is really just the sum of all these small improvements that makes me feel better... or maybe it's the freedom to be able to find satisfying solutions to problems of space and organization. I don't know. My daily work includes overcoming a lot of very mundane obstacles. It's very hard, nearly impossible to be efficient with little kids. They are the epitomy of inefficiency and "not-goal-orientedness". Getting everyone dressed, cleaned, fed and out the door at a certain time every morning without screaming your face off is like trying to organize a union with only cats as its members ( You: "Cat, realize the potential of solidarity with your sister cats and commence marching in one single row!" Cat (throws herself on the floor whining): "But I don't waaaannaaaa! Can I have candy? How about GUM? GUM!!!"). Frustration is a very mild word to describe what happens to one's psyche. Minimizing the chances of bumping into things, spilling them, knocking stuff over, not finding your keys, picking the same things off the floor repeatedly, incessantly... moves up the priority list very quickly. You don't want to bump into that unstable paper bag full of recycling cans when you are already FRUSTRATED and MAD and trying with the last ounce of self control not to let it all out on your child... You see what I mean? This is where I want to hug my new apartment. It's not a big deal in the really grand scheme of things, but it means a lot in the endless string of tiny events that shape my life right now.
Eh, the bad part? We had to move. I was 7 months pregnant. I have two toddlers. I could go into more details but I just spent a ridiculous amount of internet space gushing about an apartment, so I will spare you. Just go back and read those three things a few more times: moving and 7 months pregnant and two toddlers. Aren't you feeling tired just reading it?
(I added a few more photos of the apartment here. I will be adding more as we continue setting up...)
Posted at 10:55 PM on March 14, 2008 | Comments (3)