The second installment of that other post and also, the end of pregnancy
What a title! My writing is getting excellenter by the minute.
So besides enjoying this wonderful apartment (I still love it! Today the kids were playing outside on the porch while I made lunch and then we all sat outside in the sun and ate - Ivan had also a major meltdown, but no, really, it was great! I love it that the kids can play outside by themselves, yet within my eye sight and ear shot.), I did the following since Christmas:
- searched for new apartment (called realtors, looked at apartments, got depressed)
- found apartment, convinced landlord to pick us over someone else, coughed up deposit and first month rent
- helped move everyone and everything from one place to another
- scheduled moving help that didn't end up coming, scheduled piano movers that did a great job
- wrote and rewrote what felt like 200 IKEA shopping lists
- hired cleaning lady to take care of old apartment (one of the best $120 I ever spent)
- drove to IKEA about 3 times, or was it 50?
- faced the death of second car (1998 Dodge Caravan with over 200 000 miles on it) the week before the move
- researched dead car removal options, donated car to Outreach and had it towed
- shopped for car loans
- looked, found and bought new car
- grew a fetus to the final stages, ruining abdominals and back in the process
- survived.
What can I say. I am so tired. I know I would've been tired throughout all those months either way. Two little kids and a pregnancy are more than enough to squeeze the last calorie of energy out of you. Add the above list and it's a miracle I'm still here, basically. The biggest problem is when you feel like you can't possibly go on one more minute, but miraculously your body doesn't follow suit... and so you just keep going. You can even though you know you can't, because there is no other option. On one hand I hate being in that position and it feels like when you have kids that becomes your reality to one extent or another, whether you want it or not. On the other hand, it is a new sense of strength and success. It might seem like a regular thing on the outside, or it might not even seem like anything, but it's enough for me to know how much it took to make it through some (or most) of the days. It might be a high price to pay for knowing yourself and your capabilities, but it's worth it. It's one of those things that are crucial in life, but can't be obtained on a demand-basis. I can't say I'm not scared about all the things coming up in my immediate future. Sleeplessness alone... yikes. At the same time, I find a certain satisfaction in this feeling of being in the middle of a really big hill, or a big hole... one way or another, it's a big climb and the end doesn't feel close, but on most days I feel I am doing a pretty good job staying in the fight.
A sense of purpose helps. It makes the unimportant, fussy things of life fall away more easily and you redefine your expecations in a way you didn't think was possible. And most of the time you don't feel depressed about it. Even on the days you think "Why am I even trying?" (And those are frequent. Very.), you can't afford not to and it makes a difference. You don't see it while you're digging yourself out of it, but a while later, you do.
The kids take it all, every day. At the same time, they show it all back to me. I can't take credit for their awesomeness, but I'm not ashamed to take credit for the fact that they are still here, alive and healthy and pretty decent to be around. I'm sure I'm not doing things right a lot of the time, but I'm fighting and I know it's something that will show in the end, whether they realize it or not.
That said, I really can't do this one more minute longer.
Wow, that is WAY more than anyone should have to deal while pregnant and with two kids already. Yikes! I'm glad you made it through. Hang in there!
So are you saying you really want to have an April baby? :)
You are superwoman. Go Dinka! I really do like when you lay it all out there and are as honest with us as you are with yourself. I definitely feel like I can relate to some things you describe. I think you are more put-together than I am, though.
The time is short until you meet the new little guy. All the essentials are in place--all you have to do now is rest, relax, and wait. He'll be in your arms soon! It's hard to believe but true!
I can't wait to see the pictures. :)