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Before I got pregnant with Ivan, I was hoping I could have a baby again, but do everything better. The first experience caught me off guard - as it has to I suppose, no matter the level of preparation - and left me scared of having to do it again. Then I had Ivan and everything was better. I had a better birth and a better postpartum experience and found out that there really is a learning curve, if not a confidence curve with motherhood and it is possible to have more children and not die of despair. Then I got pregnant a third time, unexpectedly and not really feeling the urge to improve on the motherhood experience. I was going to be just fine with two for a while, but here I was handed another opportunity to do it all over again and uh, I was not excited.

Once I recovered from the shock though I made a decision to take this on consciously and avoid feeling like a victim. Not that having a baby is punishment in any way, but I don't need to elaborate on the enormous toll it takes on one's life. I think part of that deal with myself was envisioning exactly what it was going to take and partially what it was going to be like, which is somewhat foolish, because we all know nobody really knows what things are going to be like. Ever. But my first goal was to get through it the best way I could and not so much to be completely reasonable and even-handed. And so I was determined to do my nine months of service and then have an uncomplicated birth, a healthy baby and go on with my life, the end! The less I fussed about the pregnancy, the faster it was going to go in my mind. Surprisingly I find myself... surprised it really actually went down just like that. Since when does that happen? For things to go the way you expected, naively, in your scared little existence?

I don't know why I keep hoping I could have a baby before 41 weeks of gestation. Three babies might be enough to teach me that this is how long a Souzek/Keglevic baby takes to cook. EXACTLY 41 weeks. To the day. Remind me... if there is a next time. And so my contractions started on the eve of the first day of week 41, around 4 pm, Wednesday 7th May. (Oh, and can you believe I had thought of 5/8/08 as the perfect birth date too, only didn't really want it to happen this late, but goodness, the amount of fulfilled expectations in this event is sickening) I wasn't taking them seriously right away, because previous labors had always started with my water breaking first, but a few hours into it, there was no denying this was going to amount to something. And if it wasn't, I was going to MAKE it be labor, because you know, like I said, I had it aaaall figured out this time around...

So the contractions kept coming, but they were very manageable and not very frequent and I just went about my business. I called the midwife (from the birthing center, where I was going to deliver) around 7 and told her things were sort of happening but nothing really to get worked up about. We went to bed around 11 pm and I was still doing ok. Contractions every 7-10 minutes, sometimes even longer. I slept in between them, still waiting for my water to break, just to make sure this was it. Around 2 am though I was convinced because things had gotten more painful. The contractions were still not closer together, but they were stronger and I was going to avoid coming in five minutes before pushing this time. We called the midwife again and agreed to meet at the birthing center at 3.15 am to see if I was far enough along that they could admit me (The birthing center allows you to stay there 12 hours before and after birth, so they don't admit you until you are in active labor, meaning 5-6 cm dilation.).

The contractions picked up on the way there (uh, five minute drive...) - I think lying down was keeping them farther apart - and so when she checked me I was already 6 cm! I wouldn't say it had been painless, but speaking in labor-terms, getting to six was a breeze. We got to our room, got settled and I started walking around to keep the contractions going. One of the many reasons I love my midwife: As I was walking around I saw the birthing ball out of the corner of my eye. I really wanted to sit on it, but somehow didn't manage to ask, not sure why, maybe I was just distracted (following my motto: the less I fuss, the faster it's over...). I kept walking and five minutes later she asks me: "Do you want the birthing ball, you seem like the type...?" It was the same midwife that delivered Ivan and I remember appreciating her instincts even then. She just seems to guess what you need. I don't know if this is talent or training, but it's an amazing gift to someone in labor, who can barely remember her name in the midst of all the pain. I sat on that ball for about half an hour, until 4 am, when the contractions were really, really painful and also my water broke - which I in my laborish stupor thought was pee... only even in my best shape I cannot pee that much in a sitting, I had to admit eventually.

It was 4 am, 12 hours after the first contraction and it was time to push! I couldn't believe it. They had filled the tub for me, because I had really wanted to try a water birth this time. I got in and oh, you can't imagine the relief! I felt comfortable! I'm in the pushing stage feeling comfortable! I settled in thinking I could take this slow now and just push when I felt like it, not overwhelming myself, but apparently my body had other plans. I think I had two contractions in the tub and when the third came it was all over. I pushed a little, thinking, I'll just relax and continue with the next one, but the baby was too far down and all of a sudden I realized I had to finish this, because the pain... THE PAIN was unbearable. I'm not sure if it was different this time around or I had just forgotten more throroughly how painful the pushing part is, but THE PAIN was absolutely horrifying. I was screaming and screaming (felt a little hoarse later) until my midwife (again, perfect thing to say at the right time) reminded me how much energy I was wasting on all the screaming and I should just push because the more I pushed the faster it was going to be over. I took my last ounce of reason - actually I think it is pure survival instinct at that point and pushed and pushed some more (I believe I also simultanously yelled at her to "take it out" and also to "stop doing that") and he came out! 4.27 am, time of birth, barely half an hour after I climbed into the tub.

The boy was 9 lbs 4 ounces (4.2 kg), perfectly sized - for him. For me, perfectly too huge. I don't know what I'm doing wrong to have these big babies. I suppose it was all the eating. Then again I barely got to sit still during this pregnancy. I did not have any stitches again though, so maybe all in all, we're even.

Lincoln and I were a perfect team again. We didn't do any preparing this time around, but were just as in sync. Maybe it was the similarity to Ivan's birth that made it easier, or maybe it's just the additional years we've spent together, where so much is clear that communication flows by itself and we just do what is obvious. To the two of us, that is. I'd almost want to say I want to do it all over again tomorrow, but then there is problem of THE PAIN and I quickly change my mind.

And now allow me to gush (and drip on my keyboard). That moment! That moment of seeing and holding your child for the first time, after it came out of you just like that, will make you want to have babies indefinitely. There is just no way to describe it and it will never make a difference how often you have done it before. Even after retelling all the details and what it took for him to get here I still can't believe this stuff happens. How does it happen? I don't know. He is brand new, but also completely familiar. I am so grateful. I'm grateful for him and I'm grateful for him being the third, because I feel I am going into it with my eyes wide open, knowing all the dark parts and since I know them, they're not as scary as they used to be. I remember better when to pay attention and just enjoy the moment and the current stage. For better and for worse it will be over soon. I didn't think I needed a third chance just yet. What did I know?

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