Crumbs for survival
Every day around 4 o'clock when Ivan wakes up from his nap (well, when I wake him up) and I realize yet again, that I will not have time to do the other 3 or 7 things I had on my list for that day, it also becomes clear that I am facing the dinner/bedtime countdown... and after that the special 1-2 hours of child-free/husband time of my day. From that moment on, I refocus all my energy to get only the basics done so the kids are in bed on time and I get to have a conversation (often times the first of the day... bickering with kids doesn't count) and experience myself as something else than someone's mother. I also have a chance to remember that I'm married.
The time is always too short, but it's essential. I live for those hours. I know they could be used for errands or working out or writing on my blog (ha ha) or whatever else, but I am not willing. I just conceded to start exercising on Wednesday nights knowing full well that by Thursday I'll probably have to have a list of things I need to talk to Lincoln about. This is a lesson we have both learned lately... painfully... There really is not much of "postponing" of things, at least not short term. If you want to do something, you can't do the other. At all. For sure. Time is so precious and so scarce that you will not be able to squeeze in things. You can make time for things, but that means canceling other things. Not rescheduling. Canceling*. It reminds me of the fake saving plans my sister and I used to make, like "How could we afford a month-long-vacation to wherever? Sell our two Mercedeses! Just imagine all the money we'd have.. blabla". Same thing now. What if we just stopped sleeping? Can you IMAGINE the time for leisurely pursuits?
It's hard for me to skip a night of talking about our day and commenting on various news, articles, people etc. It's doable, sure, but it's one of those things I can't afford to miss long term. When the work is so massive in its size and impact I need to feel what it is about. I need to be reminded who I am outside of it. I don't work with machines and more than anything I need to be someone for the kids rather than just do something. (Which is so hard, by the way.) It saves my sanity to know that I still exist and the person I remember is not gone, just sort of crowded out of the room most of the time.
We sit and we chat away. We are laughing about ourselves, about the pace of conversation and about how every other sentence starts with "What I was going to say earlier... (when we were interrupted of course)" or "Oh and another thing before I forget/you got to bed/basically our time is up..." We're on the clock, we know it and we have to get the most out of this time. The ironic thing is that I'm sure we'll end up looking back on it with fondness one day because when you are under pressure you are so much more aware and the time spent together is more vivid. Yet you don't appreciate it because you tend to focus on how too little and too short it all is and how bad you have it.
It feels as if it all comes down to tasks, schedules, technicalities but there is a - excuse my tendency to dramatize - hum of eternity in all of it. We are investing our lives into something beautiful, that granted, has swept us away in chaos, but what we do is not an accident and we are not victims. It's just so hard to remember and to feel it in the moment. We are so tired. At the end of the day though we inadvertently remind each other.
"I don't think I can do this anymore... "
"Me neither..."
And then we do.
*Because of writing this post, I don't have half the dinner ready, did not finalize Veronika's fundraising form, did not prepare packages to be mailed and probably have additional cleaning up to do since Ivan was not supervised. What will have to go... sleep, the almost-clean house, full bellies?
Posted at 10:25 AM on September 09, 2008
Ach Dinka, du sagst es!
Es ist ein echt hartes Training mit (meist ;-) ) gutem Ausgang.
There is so much truth in what you say. I do like this post. The sentence "I don´t think I can do this anymore..." sounds very familiar. "And then we do." All of a sudden there is some strength to carry on - this one of the amazing miracles of life, as far as I experience it.
Oh, you're so inspiring. Thank you so, so much (REALLY) for taking the time, for canceling perhaps something even more important to write this. You know... you needed to do it, because you were doing something for *yourself* for this person you miss.
I can TOTALLY relate, especially now that my husband has 1h30 of commute each way every day, so our time together and his time with the boys is drastically reduced. What I really long for is for road trips, and we do take them, generally once a month. almost 3h to Maryland to my brother-in-law's house. a precious 6-7h to Massachusetts to the in-law's. Sometimes we're so starved of time together that we crave such trips with a vengeance.
I just *love* the way you describe these pressured moments, their vividness, the "hum of eternity in all of it."
Thank you. That's why blogging is priceless for me. How else could I have read something so profound and beautiful and with which I can relate so much in so many levels?