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I feel as if I've become terribly lazy lately. I might be confusing lazy with relaxed, I can't quite tell. I don't seem to feel much pressure or intiative for housework. I make dinner and I don't detest it. I sew every minute I get. I've already started and completed whole projects. I am in a good mood and play with the kids. When I'm not completely ignoring them, that is, which is quite often and I don't feel all that guilty about it. So which is it, lazy or relaxed? Both, maybe.

I know I'm lazy because I haven't had to do barely any cleaning or cooking since my mom came in May (!) and then I stayed at her house for another month, where I didn't do anything besides eating desserts and cured meats and drinking a ton of delicious coffee. I also did not have to be alone with three kids for the last three months, there was always someone else and sometimes there were groups of people and other children, too. I think there were days I didn't even see my children. I think the consequence of all this was relaxation. I relaxed. This is significant. Relaxing has become difficult for me. I am always amazed when I manage to feel this way and even then I can't quite shake a tiny tension in the sense of "when is the other shoe going to drop, this surely can't last..."

Now I'm back and I am alone with the kids during the day, BUT there is no school and no dance class or swimming class or CCD and whatnot. Things are so unstructured, and I have lost such incredible amounts of tension that I am just not convinced I need to put much effort into anything. I'm just coasting. It's a nice, unfamiliar feeling.

Part of me thinks maybe this isn't just external. For some reason I find it easy to be me at the moment. I could analyze this, but I don't want to poke around too much. You know how you only really see things clearly after the fact... and I'm thinking I am looking at the possibility of me one day. When things are not so hard and when I am not in such inner struggle to make it through the day. I wish I could say I stayed calm and confident during the stormy parts, knowing it would pass and I would rise above blablabla... but I wasn't and I doubt I will in the future. I struggle and I negotiate and I resolve and I fail and then I sulk and then I repeat it all again. I lack the strength for dignified suffering.

Instead I will breathe this in and hold on to it while it stays.

Posted at 03:17 PM on July 28, 2009