Revisions
As a parent, I'm winging it. My expertise comes from remembering my own upbringing and trying to implement the best of it as well as elements of a handful of books I've read and then also a bit of intuition. I have no idea whether what I'm doing is right. I'm always thinking that there must be better ways of doing it, that maybe I'm not familiar with. Or maybe I am familiar with them, but I just don't manage to put any of it into practice. I'm thinking my failure to do the right thing is the problem and the first thing to address. All I need for this is some time to seek out the right information and then some favorable conditions to implement them. Those conditions include a peaceful and ordered environment and lots of breaks at key moments in which I stop and analyze the situation, analyze myself and then come up with the right way to proceed. The problem is, I live with three little children and they are not currently at the maturity level to grant me those moments of analysis... which leads me to the conclusion that I would be a great parent if only I did not have these pesky children to deal with while I'm perfecting my skills.
But seriously now. I am not very patient. In fact I am impatient. This is an enormous struggle for me. Kids are by nature wild. In the sense that there are all kinds of wonderful and not so wonderful forces in them that need to be ordered and put into their proper places at all times. At all times. Not between 8 and 12 and then 1 and 5 p.m. No, at all times. In order to direct those forces one needs to keep in mind where and how to best order them while at the same time keeping them in check. For example: My middle child is whiny. Always has been. He is also three years old. He's the sweetest kid, but whining is his thing. He can keep it up for hours through all the ordinary conversations and tasks - eating while whining, peeing while whining, watching tv while whining etc. My job is to help him learn how to communicate without that.... that... horrible unbearable noise that just annoys me to no end...uhm and that by setting the right tone myself and then teaching him that this is not the way to communicate and then sticking to my guns until he gets it. The problem is that there is still that incredible whiny noise... which makes me so aggressive on the inside that the calmness that needs to transpire in order for it to stop is impossible to create. Basically he whines, I say something patient and firm a couple of times and then I lose it and tell him to cut it out already. This makes him more upset and out of sorts which leads to more whining...
I have not found very satisfying solutions to this in parenting books and expert advice in general. Their solutions always involve rational and calm thinking on my part at the critical moment. But the moment is critical as in "crisis". This is where I act quickly, irrationally and aggressively. It all sounds great if you imagine it as a training situation, where everything stops and someone coaches you on how to proceed. But what do I do with the kid during that time? Pause him?
Another thing about parenting is that you are dealing with your own family. Very specific people, your relatives in fact, who you know very well, have strong feelings for, see all the time and have a complicated relationship with. The subject of your work is not a computer spread sheet or an unrelated stranger or inanimate object. They are people you love and are close with, so close in fact that they barely need to move in order to reach your buttons. Some days it truly feels like a lifelong Christmas dinner or family reunion party. Here we are, all together, all the time. The old conflicts rehashed over and over again: I will not put on my shoes! I will not eat my food! I don't want to clean up! Why can't I have candy? Why does he always get to do the fun stuff! Why don't we talk about this again? And again? And again?
I am not patient. I have serious doubts about my ability to be a parent. It's just that... I'm the only mother they have. It's where all my arguments end. There's got to be a better way and I'm trying. I keep trying. Will I succeed at all? I don't know. When they are in bed for the night, I revisit some of the situations of the day and more often than not I am so ashamed of myself. If I had been observing myself at the time, I would have rolled my eyes and shaken my head in disbelief. So indignant. That person I find so inadequate... is me. It's a sobering moment. I might improve, but even if I do, I will depend on my kids' ability to forgive. Which makes me think, I should bump that up to the top of my parenting priorities: Teach kids how to forgive (their mother)!
As for me and the proper way of addressing this problem... the first step is probably to quit my whining.
Posted at 10:05 PM on September 29, 2009 | Comments (3)Fall
Apple orchard visit + love of sugar = Apple Pie!
Tata
21st Dec 1936 - 23rd Sept 2008
One year. Still very new.
Posted at 11:01 PM on September 22, 2009 | Comments (2)It's just this thing that seasons do
The end of summer always makes me very nostalgic and sad. I love fall and look forward to it, but when it's time for fall to come, I hesitate and look back. It's a strange feeling of loss. I know it's rooted in my childhood and leaving behind the safety and comfort of carefree summer and facing school and a lot of people, I'm not ready to see again.
Like everyone I feel the promise and excitement of school supplies, even decades after I last set foot in a school. New clothes, a new attitude... but I hesitate last minute. What if we could still play summer. Just pretend the warm weather has just started and that cool breeze at night is a just a short-lived cold front about to disappear in a few days... Summer lets me be. Fall makes me run.
Here's the rest of the vacation pictures... sigh.
