Oh baby, you can't fire me. This here is all you get!
I'm going to tell you a story and let me just preface it by saying that after all the hurt was gone I spent a good deal feeling guilty and bad and guilty some more and then I repented a lot. After I made her apologize of course.
My least favorite thing is having to run an errand or take Veronika somewhere with the the other two along for no other reason besides not being able to leave them home alone. This sounds like a simple problem no? Sure, but it is not.
Taking Veronika to ballet for example, looks like this: I drive everyone there, pull them out of the car, get to the elevator, referee bickering over who gets to push the buttons, get into a changing room (without a door! it has a curtain instead! a curtain! WHY? WHY are they doing this to me?), boss around Veronika until she takes off her jacket and puts on her ballet shoes and skirt (leotard and tights were done at home), while Ivan tries to prevent her from doing just that and Nikola runs away: through that curtain, through the room where other students are doing homework, down the stairs (and up the stairs) and then into the looong hall.. back and forth and back and forth. So picture last week, where I let him do that but every now and then scoop him up to go check on Veronika - in order to avoid screaming fits inside the changing room, which could disturb the homework writing kids. I do this several times, always carrying his screaming kicking body in and out. I'd yell at Veronika who had not made any progress and yell at Ivan to stop bothering her and quit throwing his hat around. The last time I return to check on them I see the ballet director fishing for Ivan's hat with a long pole. He threw it into the ceiling storage area, out of reach for anyone without a long stick apparently. I apologize profusely. A good mother keeps her kids supervised the judgy half of my brain says. Right. Yeah, but WHICH one, WHICH ONE?, screams the defensive one. The ballet director is nice and helpful and says it doesn't matter. She smiles at Nikola and says: "Aren't you just into everything?!" and he smiles back and says "Yep!" It's all so adorable. But me... I am descending into new depths of rage. So frustrated, so out of control with this kid who I'm chained to 24/7, like a monkey he's playing me... and the older two.. who should know better... let me down, made me look like an even bigger fool. Once we are in the car, on our way home, I let it all out. I let them have it. I am so tired of it all. I forbid them to say anything back. I announce horrible punishments.
After a short silence Veronika says: "I wish Ms Ballet Director was our mother!"
(Skadoosh.)
So why are mothers always so angry and bitter and wagging their finger at everything? Think of this story next time you secretly want to shake your head and roll your eyes at some mother not having her kid under control. Or better yet, go call your mother and thank her for letting you live. Literally.
(After breathing deeply and sighing) Oh Dinka, how well you capture these insane moments of parenting! And how relieved you make me feel that I don't have a third child!... (better than feeling envious, right?).
I always try to smile encouragingly to other moms in situation like yours -- sometimes they smile back, or at least look at me with gratitude in their eyes.
As far as the awful screaming out-of-control mother goes... I've been her too often to count. Particularly with poor Kelvin since we started the cyber schooling. I'm trying to learn to calm down, though... and I could never ever ever blog about the awful things I say to him sometimes. When I'm blind with anger that he just doesn't want to do certain assignments. He refuses to write, he just makes up other things to do instead. He drives me nuts! But I'm trying to stop being so crazily mad. And it's been getting better.
I feel like crying now. Thanks for sharing your own bad moment and giving me this small place to confess mine. 'Cause I just feel too guilty about all of it to blog about it. Thanks! A Double Thanks!
Yep.
Lilian, please don't feel bad. I think (or at least i hope) most mothers don't share the whole truth. I know I don't. But anyway, i've learned to apologize a lot. Some days i have to apologize to my kids multiple times. I've found that it's my only option to restore and repair the situation because i know i will do it again. It's just very hard to keep it together sometimes and the kids push our buttons... So I just let them know, that i know this wasn't ok, because if i can't give a good example of controlling myself, at least i can give a good example of repenting. :)
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh... Nikola - that is sooooo exactly like my Nicolas... (must be the name?) That is me, right there, the lady who has lost her mind because she doesn't know which one to run after first or punish for misbehaving. And Maryssa, she's almost 10 and still can't get dressed in time for me to take her to soccer... That was me, ranting and raving in the car on the way, 15 minutes late and she forgot her ball too, to soccer pratice, because I phoned, told her to be ready when I came home in 15 minutes and as soon as I arrived home, she locked herself in her room to hide the fact that she had done NOTHING in those 15 minutes...
All I can say is, it gets better. I keep telling myself that. I run less often after Nicolas than I used to... that's a start. NOw if only I could tell people to do stuff and they would actually do it.