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Shhh... Quiet!

Some of you might remember how we first welcomed Digby into our lives and shortly thereafter kicked him out the door, uhm, no, but almost kicked him out the door because he was the most hyper puppy ever and we could not believe what we got ourselves into. You also might recall we tried really really hard to domesticate him and even tried to teach him doglike obedience like sitting down when told "sit" and things therelike. We were successful... generally (a very generous generally), but little did we know that all you have to do is move and/or wait until your dog turns two years old. Then this is what happens:

Launch SLEEPY DOG!

Posted at 07:45 AM on November 30, 2004 | Comments (1)

My dreams have come true!

meeeow.jpg

Digby, the cat.

Posted at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2004

It's not a dog, it's a monster.

Some people think pet abuse is a problem. The poor defenseless animals are being tortured and mistreated by reckless, heartless owners. Hardly anyone talks about the abuse owners suffer at the paws of their pets. Digby, for example, has the daily terror down pat. He knows just what to do. His evil instinct is dead-on. I'm quite confident, that he has studied us and he must have some secret notes in his kennel and at night, when we thought he was sleeping, he was scheming and came up with several no-fail-torture-methods to use whenever it is necessary... which means whenever he wants! I am on to him though and one day I will destroy his evil empire and all his little torture tools and he will KNOW WHO IS BOSS at all times. In the meantime you should know what happens to us on a daily basis. I hope when you are done reading you will be ready to pick up the phone and call your congressman to put an end to this atrocity.

I am not that innocent.jpg

- The "I-won't-pee-trick":
When the owner takes you out to pee or poop, especially after you haven't been for several hours and they think it's time, don't do it, but make them think you will. Traipse around like you have to go, squat a little, walk back and forth in a squat, then stretch out again and sniff like you're looking for the right spot. Now and then give the owner a confident glance (use the puppy eyes, they are suckers for the puppy eyes), then keep sniffing and walking back and forth. After a while start pacing a little faster and decrease your radius to about two feet, squat again but don't pee. This will be hard since you really do have to go, but believe me your owner's angry and frustrated face will be a great reward for all the effort. Do it over and over until the owner can't take it anymore (great fun!) and takes you back in. The next step is...

- Let me out, I need to pee (NOT!).
... since you didn't do anything when you were supposed to, your owner believes you will need to go again soon. They are scared you might pee on the carpet. A few minutes after you were brought in, start barking at the door like you want to go out again. The owner will get the leash, and now you have two choices: repeat the first trick (I won't pee...) OR run away from the leash and make the owner chase you around the table. SO.MUCH.FUN. !!!

- Small steps blackmail.
If you need attention and you are not getting it that very moment, you have also two options: One, grab an object you know you are not allowed to take and chew the crap out of it. You gotta be quick because they'll want to come get you so you need to do the maximum damage in the minimum time. (The same is to be applied to stealing food from the table: swallow it if you must but time is essential!). This will work every time! Make them race you... wheee!!!

- One word: Bark.
You want attention, bark. But. You need to find that special kind of bark. The one that is alarming, but steady. Find the right level and the right tone, then pick the interval and keep at it. Do not stop. Make it slightly panicky and raise the intensity if you need to. Slowly. Don't run around or give them any hints. Just position yourself and bark.bark.bark.bark.bark.bark... Watch them squirm... ha ha ha. UAAH HA HA HA HA!!!


Are you scared yet? You should be.

Posted at 09:37 AM on September 15, 2004 | Comments (3)

If you're Digby and you know it, wag your tail.

Digby approached me yesterday with a request to publish one of his poems. He told me he was very sensitive about his new hobby and was terrified (well, as far as fierce predators can feel "terrified") of criticism but that it was time to share his Sturm und Drang with the world because, not to be rude, he said, we (Lincoln and I) had no understanding of his inner life whatsoever. He also said, he had kind of lost it at the end, and apologizes for the language. He is not sure what got into him and it was tooootally out of character but he said it had to be left as it was for artistic honesty.

I must admit I'm not sure about this, but I'm under rather debilitating pressure here. It might not be obvious to you (nor to him, unfortunately) but Digby does suffer from permanent anxiety and his outbursts are very serious business. If you don't have a rat terrier, you do not. NOT. know what I am talking about. So, here it is. Please be gentle, it's one of his first pieces.

morning agony
- by Digby

early morning
silence
except
for the birds
and the wind
and the neighbor's dog
the other neighbor's dog
and that sonofabitch squirrel
maybe or mabye not
messing up the yard
RIGHT NOW
then

suddenly
my master's voice
or a cough
or something
anything

it could be danger
it is danger
it MUST be danger
anxiety comes over me
and there is
this feeling

hunger.
my stomach.
or is it the bladder?
panic

danger
hunger
full bladder
MELTDOWN

bark!
bark!
BARK!!!
BARKBARKBARK!!!

whatthehellareyouwaitingfor?!!!!
areyougonnaletmeoutorwhat?!!!!
what part of B.A.R.K. do you not understand?!!!!!!!
doyouwantmetopeeallovermyself??!!
barkbarkbarkbarkba...

Posted at 02:38 PM on May 24, 2004 | Comments (2)

Alive and well

If you're tired of looking at babies, look at puppies.

Posted at 08:54 AM on February 24, 2004