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amen

Posted at 08:50 AM on March 23, 2009 | Comments (2)

Is it acceptance or is it surrender, or both?

I haven't done ANY of the things below. None. Least of all slept. I blame the kids, but does it really matter? I had "scheduled" some sewing time this morning, but between taking the car to the mechanic, walking a baby who refuses to sit, entertaining a 2-year-old and doing a 5-year-old's homework - no, wait not homework, just "activities", which have to be documented and returned to school "by Thursday!!!" - I somehow did not manage to keep that scheduled schedule. I am at once feeling frustrated and indifferent. Question is, what attitude will help me here? If I go with frustration, will it lead to new resolve and eventual, albeit minor, but still, success? If I go with indifference on the other hand, will it help me stay in the present, accept my limited freedom and as a consequence be a better person and thus lead me to eventual success, albeit not in the form I was hoping for? What shall it be? And more, at this point, do I care?

Instead I will do what my generation does best: distract myself with irrelevant information, virtual-slash-pretend socializing and mind-numbing TV.

Posted at 10:30 PM on February 11, 2009 | Comments (4)

More hope, more faith

The tree 2008

Every year I look at my ornaments and think I need to do something to unify them. Maybe more of the stars or more of the red or the silver? I decide it's a mess. Then I try to figure out, which ones I could get rid of in favor of that unifying business... and then I can't find any. I just like them all too much. Several minutes later I realize I actually like how it looks. It's pretty and festive and very personal. I have pretty ornaments, just not 10 of each. I'm ok with that. Until next year, of course, wehn I look at the tree and...


I am not big on New Year's resolutions, in fact I could never think of any. It's a very American thing, too. I don't remember resolutions being a big thing growing up. This year I do have some, well, call them renewed resolutions, because it's an ongoing fight.

- Get more sleep. Duh.
- Get more rest during the day. Let me explain. I'm not talking about lounging. I just need to stop hounding myself. Even though I know better I still somehow delude myself that given enough effort, I can get everything done. As a consequence I contribute to the stress in my head by setting unattainable goals. Everyone suffers because of it. I need to practice taking a break, even if it's only a few minutes and even if the house is a mess. Nobody will die of mess and truly I don't care what "people" think of me. All those "people", who are never at my house anyway. (Actually I think it is just my pride, who I slave away for. Not exactly a noble thing.)
- Get a sitter for evenings on a regular basis. I need to see my husband more. By "seeing" I don't mean preceiving with seeing organs as he walks out the door in the morning.
- Write more, sew more. This is the one that will probably go down the tube within oh, a day. But I will try nevertheless. This stuff feeds my head and my spirit. I simply function better and I see more clearly. Things that are important come into focus and the nagging voice in my head takes a break.
- Save more money. Ha ha!

Posted at 10:04 AM on January 06, 2009

She's posting again? Where does she take the time?

Vanillekipferl
Baka saves the day! She made me a mountain of cookies while she was here. I provided the amazing mixer and she did her magic... (If you click on the photo you can see a few more baking projects.)


Every year I have less time for Christmas preparations. This year I didn't even attempt to make plans for crafts. I figured if I didn't have anything planned I wouldn't know what exactly I didn't end up having time for. I play little mind games like that a lot. That means I'm crazy.

At the same time I think I am getting better at accepting that and appreciating what I do have. So, if Veronika and I only end up making one kind of cookie or all the crafts I manage is putting a few stars on a wreath I am ok with that. I just make sure I enjoy those moments to the fullest. As far as that is within my power. This year has also brought death to my life and with all its sorrow also some perspective. I haven't changed (unfortunately, I could use permanent change in some areas) but I was given some powerful direction if you will and I'm hoping to make this last as long as possible.

Anyway, I wish I had more time always, but I am joyful regardless. I may have lost in personal pursuits but I have gained incredibly in companionship. You should see how Ivan's eyes light up when you sing "Santa Claus is coming to town" to him and hear the earnestness in his tiny voice when he tries to sing along. Veronika's dedication to recreating parts of the nutcracker is mesmerizing... Both their excitement about every thing Christmassy is so infectious. I haven't had this much fun expecting Christmas since I was a kid myself.

Posted at 01:36 PM on December 20, 2008 | Comments (2)

Randomness continues

Why does everyone have to have a Christmas party or concert or whatever? I have a feeling that this is just the beginning, that once the kids are bigger, my advent will be cluttered with all kinds of stupid events that I must attend and prepare for. Why is that? Why can't I have a personal advent? And the thing is, everyone is annoyed by it. "All this work! Christmastime is crazy!" Yet we all keep organizing and attending. Nobody wants to volunteer their time, but let's just squeeze in one more thing!

I feel like I have to really fight this engulfing busyness. I am not willing to give my precious time to yet another Holidayish festivity, even though I understand the need or the wish or the good intention. It's distracting and exhausting. All I'd like is some laid-back time at home with my family, which I never seem to have despite the fact that I'm at home with my family all the time. Maybe it's my own fault. Should've bought my Christmas presents in March, baked the cookies in August and lit all four candles on December 1st. Get it all out of the way.

Posted at 12:56 PM on December 17, 2008