Job Opening

Just over three weeks ago, my brother Phil graduated from college. As you can imagine, the entire family was bursting with pride over his accomplishment and excited for him as he began this new chapter in his life. However in the time that has passed since then, some of our enthusiasm has faded. The problem, you see, is that with graduation comes moving away and in this case that means moving away from the Valparaiso Souzeks. While we're still happy for him and all that crap, we have come to realize that his graduation actually sucks for us. When Phil moved back home, he left a large hole in all of our lives.

So it is with reluctance that I announce that his previous position is now available. The following are only a few of the qualifications that the ideal candidate must possess:

• Background in hip hop, with at least 10 - 15 years experience (i.e. you should have grown up with it). When I say "one, two, three and to the four," you should be able to complete the entire song.
• Extensive knowledge of and experience with current underground hip hop, specializing in but not limited to artists from the Rhymesayers and Def Jux labels
• Ability to eat two or three times the normal quantity of various grilled fare from around the globe
• Ability to enjoy a few drinks and still be able to go home and finish a paper on Hayek
• Dessert stomach
• Competent in several sports, with tennis and basketball being most important
• Ability to dunk
• Off-hours availability, including two lunches a week and a good part of the day on Sunday
• Appreciation for restaurants specializing in heartburn-inducing cuisine (Chicago-style hot dogs, gyros, various deep fried food, etc.)
• In-depth knowledge of and ability to discuss and teach most of the major economic theories
• Respectable collection of hoodies
• Ability to handle a high-energy, special needs dog (like a Rat Terrier, for instance)
• Ability to gain Veronika's acceptance as an uncle (impossible)
• Ability to gain Dinka's acceptance as a brother-in-law (even harder)
• Extensive history with the family, including many shared childhood memories with me. The ideal candidate will have had a baseball bat thrown at him by me while riding a bike....

You know what, I'm going to stop there. I think it's pretty obvious that there's only one man for the job.