What's Your Fantasy
A new (American) football season is upon us and for me that means two things: 1) an overwhelming urge to drape myself in green and gold, complete with a block of foam cheese on my head (for my Green Bay Packers, of course), and 2) the return of fantasy football. Along with the Madden video game franchise, fantasy sports have been my primary means of keeping up with the professional sports that I loved and obsessed over as a kid but have somewhat lost interest in or become disillusioned with over the years. Spending late nights poring over player statistics stirs up the same feelings that flipping through Topps football cards at recess in second grade brought.
My only disappointment with this undertaking is my varying degree of success. Occasionally my effort is rewarded and I succeed. These victories reinforce my secret hope that my research and uncanny intuition really are an unbeatable combination that make me stand out in the world of fantasy sports. The rest of the time the frustration is unbearable, like staring at an equation in which the two sides could never be equal (Skot feels my pain). I have two primary responses to this failure: despondent encouragement and frantic bartering. Early in the season, I refuse to give up on my prized draft picks and instead resort to trying to verbally rouse the troops. I think of myself like Selifan (of Gogol's Dead Souls) spurring the horses of his troika deep into the night with his drunken speeches ("On, you honorable beasts!", etc.). I compulsively check the live game scores and statistics, as if every page refresh acted as a whip to my team's back. When my players have disappointed me several weeks in a row, they begin to repulse me and I try to trade them away at any cost. Of course by this time they have lost most of their value and I become like Mitya Karamazov, trying to peddle my useless wares and investment opportunities to a cruelly grinning audience. I am no more successful at this than he was and it leaves just as disconsolate.
Some people say that I should stop playing fantasy sports. Others think that I should stop with the Russian literature already. One group is right but neither will deter me.